Australia Continues Dominance in Crocodile Eye Gouging, Other Demo Sports
SYDNEY- Although the Australian Olympic team has been a slight disappointment for the hometown fans, they have done their country proud by dominating several of this year’s demonstration sports.
   On Friday, Hercule Balmy easily won the gold in the freestyle crocodile eye gouging competition with a perfect 6-for-6 gouges on three 16-foot male crocodiles.  Paul Grant and John Thorne, both Australians, took silver and bronze, respectively. 
   "These other guys were totally ignorant as to what to do," said Balmy.  "It’s as if they had never wrestled with a ‘croc’ or something.  Crikey."
   "It was pretty silly, seeing those guys running from the crocodiles," said Thorne.  "What are they going to do, eat you?  Rubbish."
   Thorne also competed in the shark grappling event, taking silver.  "I was enraged at my poor performance.  It took me 45 bleeding seconds to get that one great white to submit," said Thorne.  "Plus Balmy got a female to fight.  Jammy bastard."
   Balmy won the gold in shark grappling, and Adrian Townshend, another Aussie, took bronze.  No other competitors finished.
   These demonstration sports, along with rabid dingo kicking and diving into bricks, were added to the schedule only two months before the games begun.  Thousands of Australian citizens tried out for the teams, but only 15 made the cut. 
   "Of course everyone came out to get on the team," said Balmy.  "Kick the dingo is a popular game amongst children, as well as adults.  Who wouldn’t want to represent their country as a dingo kicker, or a ‘croc’ wrestler?  It’s the Australian dream, mate."
   Unfortunately, it does not appear that these games will be incorporated into future Olympics.  Bugger.