Movies You Shouldn't See
   I have a gift.  I call it the sixth sense.  Actually, it's better than the sixth sense—both the movie and the sense.  So, in actuality, I call it The Sense—capitalized so as to express its aura of greatness to the unenlightened.  It's so formidable a force that when writing “The Sense” I take the time to make the “S” all curly and fancy, because supreme calligraphic rendering is the least I can do for such a power.
   The Sense is the ability to tell whether or not a movie is worth watching.  We're not talking “passable” vs. “pretty lousy.”  The Sense can tell exactly how good a movie is.  Despite everything anyone ever said about it, I chose to rent “Freddy Got Fingered,” based on the logic that the film generally regarded as the worst of all films had to be good.  And you know what, The Sense was dead on.  Plus I hate Tom Green.  A lot.  So, as you can see, The Sense is an entity which sees beyond biases (in this case, Tom Green being a cock muffler) to the core of the goodness, or lack thereof, of a film.  Now go rent that movie, and be in awe. 
   The best thing about The Sense is that it only needs a one-minute trailer to determine the watchability of a movie.  So here are some films I will never see because The Sense says I shouldn't.  You should listen to The Sense, for he is the one they call “I am.”

Sweet Home Alabama: Anyone who sees this is an idiot.  Or a chick.  In fact the idiot's probably in the lobby spending 18 bucks on sodas and candy, not aware that even if sitting through this obviously terrible film does later result in the chance to get laid, he will be rendered limp by the all-sterilizing rays generated from Reese Witherspoon's face, which has never, nor will ever, appear in a good film.  Except “Election.”  That movie kicked ass.  Oh, and I say “obviously terrible” not because Reese Witherspoon stars, but because the preview has that “Your love keeps lifting me higher” song in it.  Any movie that has “Your love keeps lifting me higher” in the trailer is a piece of shit.

The Core: “The core of the earth has stopped spinning.”  I've seen this preview like three times and I can't help but burst out in laughter every time I hear that.  The troubling thing is, no one else laughs.  Perhaps they lack The Sense.  Still, I can't accept the fact that there exists a person in this world who would plunk down five bucks to see this.  Jesus, if you want to be an idiot for two hours, stay home and play Scrabble; don't do it in public, people.

Ghost Ship: I was watching the hilarious preview to this horror/thriller about some mysterious ship that just appears in the ocean.  I thought to myself, this is so fucking lame they should just call it “Ghost Ship” and get it over with.  Three seconds later, my wish came true. 

   I have to admit that was pretty easy.  I mean, anyone with any brains can tell you these movies suck.  I think I'll try to use The Sense for good now.  Hamma...namma...gadda...  You should go see “The Transporter.”  There, I said it.  You heard it here first.  Don't read any reviews.  Just see it.  How do I know?  How can The Sense make such a bold prediction?  Well, it's got Turkish from “Snatch,” which is a good thing.  Plus, in the preview he deflects a rocket with a metal tray.  This man is the baddest bad man that ever lived and we must all go to see his movie.  I know, you're not listening.  Go see “Sweet Home Alabama” and be disappointed just like you were by the previous dozen movies you were spoon fed.