I'll Have as Many Goddamn Drinks as I Want on the Goddamn Plane
   You will not believe this shit.  Seems that some senator, Dianne Feinstein, wants to limit the drinks one can acquire on a plane flight to two.  Two!  Now I know what you're thinking—yes, she's a Democrat.  And yes, a Californian.  Apparently a few hundred “air rage” incidents are the basis behind this woman's suggestions and possible legislation.  All I need to say is: keep the government out of my liver.
   It's my God-given right to get lethally drunk on any flight whenever I damn well please.  And if I get a little angry because they're showing “Girl, Interrupted” or the fatties on the flight keep knocking my seat as they push their hips through the aisle, well so be it.  I can't be expected to bottle up my anger.  It's common knowledge that that can lead to psychological dysfunctions.  So, I'm under strict orders to lash out, more or less.
   I don't see what the big deal is with “air rage” anyway.  These stewardesses get paid pretty good and get to travel all over the place, and they can't be bothered to clean up a little after I take a shit on their drink cart?  They can't handle it when I drop kick the guy stewardess in the balls and try to take over the cockpit controls?  I'm just letting off some steam because my almonds couldn't be opened.  Those smug bastards, laughing at me from behind their impenetrable bag.
   At any rate, you stewardesses need to realize I'm a grown man who can handle himself.  Just remember that when I'm pissing up the first class curtain.