Take Your Time, Mr. President
   President Bush recently said he's going to thoroughly examine the issues regarding the human stem cell debate before he decides to allow or disallow federal funding for medical research.  All I have to say, Mr. President, is take your time.
   You need to think long and hard about this.  I'm thinking like eight, nine months.  This decision will have a ripple effect that will echo for decades across the nation.  You can't take this lightly, sir.  Take it slowly.
   Now, if you're going to make the decision before the end of August, as some speculate you will, then I must urge you to choose against funding research.  It's a waste of fucking time.  Scientists don't know what the hell they're doing, just ask them.  They're all like, “This is very complex and hasn't been perfected yet.”  Shit, would you give money to a contractor who doesn't know exactly how to build a house?  So fuck that funding horseshit.
   Anyway, you've got to think about me.  Not just me, but all my counterparts you'd sacrifice for some 80-year-old Alzheimer's-having-motherfucker.  Dude, he's already finished living, and I don't get a chance?  Why you want to save people from diseases that they acquire at the end of life?  Save me instead.  I could become a firefighter or a teacher or some shit.
   Oh yeah, God isn't too happy about this whole thing either.  You know what he's going to do to the guy who gives the go-ahead for research?  Shit, it's like Hitler.  God punishes all the Gestapo guys and stuff, but Hitler got it real bad.  So, in a way, if you approve of the funding, you're Hitler.  How's that going to look in the history books in 50 years?