FCC Bans Middle Fingers on Television
   On Friday the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced an all-inclusive ban on the display of middle fingers on television, both network and cable.  The Commission has called for the censorship of all middle fingers appearing on TV by using electronic pixelating, technology usually reserved for nudity and mouths using foul language.  Until now, only middle fingers that were erect (without the other fingers) in the traditional hand gesture meaning “Fuck you” would be censored.
   “It is necessary to shield the American public from the evils of the middle finger,” said FCC Chairman William E. Kennard.  “We have successfully protected them from the potentially detrimental effects of bad words, breasts, and buttock cracks.  It’s time to take it [the protection] up a notch.”
   Starting Monday all networks and non-premium cable stations will be required to pixelate any middle fingers, erect or at ease, which appear in their recorded programming.  Also, all persons appearing on live television must wear large black leather gloves.  Most of the networks are hard at work going through shows, blurring out the offensive digit.
   “At first I was reluctant.  After all, it’s going to take a lot of work,” said NBC President and CEO Robert Wright.  “But we must do what the FCC says.  They are our moral exemplars.  Must protect people, must protect people.”
   “Fuck that shit,” said rapper and middle finger advocate Eminem.  “Motherfucking government keeps trying to stop us from expressing what’s on our minds.  Now we can’t even have our hands showing?  Damn near seems like fag Arabs running the country.”
   Kennard says he understands the imminent uproar.
   “Of course people will be upset at first,” he said.  “But this is for the betterment of mankind.  That middle finger is a source of unspeakable evils.  I can’t stress the horrors enough.  Man, just thinking about it makes me shudder.  Imagine what it does to the children.”