Gallant of "Goofus and Gallant" Fame Dead
HONESDALE, PA.– Beloved proponent of good Gallant Polster was found dead of a drug overdose in his home Friday.  He was 63-years-old.  For 51 years, Gallant, as he is best known, served to articulate the proper ways to act in social contexts in the magazine “Highlights for Children.”
   Gallant was discovered by longtime rival and brother Goofus Polster.
   “I came over to tell him that I'd just scored with a hooker for half-price when I found him,” said Goofus.  “He was purple and sitting on the toilet.”
   While in the bathroom, Gallant, surrounded by filth, overdosed on cocaine.  He sat there with a rolled-up bloody five dollar bill in his nose and a shattered mirror on his lap, propped up by his erect penis.
   “There were porno mags everywhere,” said a teary-eyed Goofus.  “He was such a model citizen.  I don't know what went wrong.”
   Vomit and feces inside the bathtub next to the bloated Gallant brought an unbearable stench to the room which Goofus could only describe as “beastly.”
   “I broke down and hugged him,” said Goofus.  “I begged God to take me, the antithesis, instead.”
   Sources say that despite being an exemplar of benevolence, Gallant had a troubled life.  Feeling born to embody human magnanimity, Gallant would eventually succumb to the pressures and tribulations of life at the pinnacle of decency.
   “My childhood was tough,” he told “Playboy” in 1987.  “Naturally I was seen as a nerd and beaten up frequently.  Sadly it seems as if that trend has continued to this day.”
   Gallant turned away from life as the personification of propriety in his later years, serving time for drug offenses and shoplifting, and being arrested once for statutory rape.  The charges were dropped.
   “He really hit a low on New Year's,” said Goofus.  “He came over to my party all unkempt and he just wore a robe and some flip-flops.”
   Gallant's new heroin addiction then became evident to his brother and the party's attendees.
   “He took out a rubber tube, wrapped it around his arm, then injected,” said Goofus.  “Then he tore open is robe and carved a pentagram into his chest.”
   Goofus would later have a talk with Gallant, but it seemed as if it were too late.
   “I tried to get him off drugs by coming over to his house everyday,” said Goofus.  “He told me he had never had a friend, so it was rough.  He said the drugs were his first friend.  They filled the void.  I guess he overfed it.”
   “Highlights” has not decided whether the “Goofus and Gallant” piece will be retired or if a replacement will be found for Gallant.