Grammys
2002 Preview
The 44th Annual Grammy Awards are just a week away, my friends. From
Linkin Park's rap-rock to Shaggy and RikRok, these Grammys are sure to
please even the most moderately ignorant and brainwashed music buyer.
Let's take a look at the year's best platinum Wal-Mart artists: |
Album of the Year
“Acoustic Soul,” India.Arie-
A black woman playing a guitar and selling a lot of records?
Can't say I've heard her much, but VH1 played her a lot, so you know she's
got to be good. Nickelback good.
“All That You Can't Leave Behind,”
U2- Let's see: two decades of the same riffs, lousy rhythm, amateur
drumming, and preachy lyrics. Yep, they're due.
“Love and Theft,” Bob Dylan-
Any album on which Bob Dylan's voice sounds shot is worth a listen.
But just one.
“O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack,”
Various Artists- Various Artists sure are a busy bunch. I hear
the music's respectable, but I haven't picked it up on account of my seeing
“Deliverance” at age six, and, well you know, the scars.
“Stankonia,” OutKast- When
in doubt, go with the coolest motherfunkers on the planet.
Record of the Year
“Drops of Jupiter,” Train- Never
heard this one. I guess it didn't get much radio play.
“It's A Man's Man's Man's World,”
James Brown- More commonly known as “Fallin'” by Alicia Keys, for you
Columbia House members.
“Ms. Jackson,” Outkast- When
I saw the singing animals in this video, I shat. My pick.
“Video,” India.Arie- Fuck.Off.
“Walk On,” U2- All I remember
from this one is Bono yelling “Walk on.” And I will not.
Song of the Year
“Drops of Jupiter,” Charlie Colin, Rob Hotchkiss,
Pat Monahan, Jimmy Stafford and Scott Underwood (Train)- Am
I the only one who thinks the singer looks like Lion-O from “Thundercats?”
“Fallin',” Alicia Keys (Alicia
Keys)- Well, we know she can read other people's music, but
as far as writing her own, I just don't know.
“I'm Like a Bird,” Nelly Furtado
(Nelly Furtado)- Is this voice for real?
“Stuck in a Moment You Can't
Get Out Of,” U2 (U2)- Jesus, if it gets any cheesier in here, I'm going
to have to open a window.
“Video,” India.Arie, Carlos “Six
July” Broady and Shannon Sanders (India.Arie)- The one song I haven't
heard. Laws of probability suggest this by far the best of the five
New Artist
India.Arie-
I'm still working on figuring out the deal with the name.
Nelly Furtado- You know the
voice inflection of a child going “Na na na na na” when gloating?
That's what this chick sounds like all the time.
David Gray- Holy shit this
guy looks like a “Howdy Doody” extra. My fav, regardless.
Alicia Keys- New? I
guess a lack of competent musicianship is different from what we
should expect.
Linkin Park- No.
Rock Album
“Gold,” Ryan Adams-
I'm not supposed to say anything because of that “New York New York” song
and the video with the twin towers in the background. Fuck that,
this guy's into Bukkake.
“Just Push Play,” Aerosmith-
How could America's 1,943rd best band not get a nomination? An outside
shot.
“Stories From the City, Stories
From the Sea,” PJ Harvey- She used to be respected. Then she
got a Grammy nomination.
“Hybrid Theory,” Linkin Park-
I already said no, goddamnit.
“All That You Can't Leave Behind,”
U2- How my garage band Take Big Shits didn't get nominated, I'll never
know.