The Battle of Hamburger Hill
   Now that Russia's our drinking buddy and Iraq is no more of a threat than a sedated lap dog, we're entering a golden era of peace, right?  Not so fast.  Certain high-placed military watchdogs have identified a far more menacing, far more diabolical enemy inside our own borders--McDonald's. 
   Time to wake up and smell the congealed cheese, America.  Consider the evidence:  McDonald's, a global corporation in the business of slaughter, is everywhere.  They're strategically placed at every major intersection in this country, in 12,629 locations ideally positioned to clog our nation's arteries and attack the heart of every major city at a moment's notice.  They have their collective finger on the pulse of the nation, in more ways than one.
   Who's going to stop them?  The military?  Not likely.  Due to cutbacks, the U.S. Army now only has 86 bases in the entire world.  McDonald's, in contrast, has 26,806 locations already blanketing the globe, with another opening every hour. 
   “No revolutionary group has ever possessed the resources to fund as far-reaching an operation as McDonald's,” claims one anonymous historian. 
   Clearly these guys aren't clowning around.  Alarmed, we called the Pentagon to find out what our strategy is to defend against a McDonald's attack; strangely, they refused to discuss it with us.  Likewise, calls to generals at six different military bases produced six vehement “no comments.”  Ultimately, we reached a Sergeant Haribold Wilson of the 82nd Airborne, who confirmed our suspicions. 
   “No, the Army never told me that McDonald's had the capability to take over the U.S.,” he said. 
   There it is: proof positive.  Why on earth would the Army withhold information from its own soldiers unless it were seriously running scared?
   With an attack force of more than a million commie-esque “workers” (and remember, these guys have their own university), their fryboys could make a proverbial McRib out of America's fighting men and women.  Take note that, while McDonald's continues to distend (they took in $38.5 billion in 1999), the armed forces’ budgets mysteriously atrophied by $100 billion in the 1990’s, under a president who is notorious for his love of...guess what?