Yankees Win; America Ever Closer to Absolute Hatred of New York
NEW YORK– Just like the old days.  That's what many are saying in response to the New York Yankees 12-3 series-clinching Game 5 victory over the Seattle Mariners in the American League Championship Series (ALCS).  Not only are the Yankees displaying the heart that won them three consecutive World Series (’98-’00), but people across America are learning to hate New York again.
   “Fuck that,” said one Mariners fan.  “Christ Almighty, don't they ever lose?  Fuck me.”
   Similarly, the rest of the non-New Yorkers in the country are using the Yankees playoff success as an excuse to release their bottled-up abhorrence of New York City.
   “I cried when I watched the news [regarding the terrorist attacks] and I really felt warm toward New York, seeing the heroism and people coming together,” said Jean Coetzee, a Boston resident.  “But now they can go to hell for all I care.”
   Much of the public was grief-stricken by the terrorist attacks on the east coast, particularly those in New York, which were played out on national television to a shocked nation.  But now, with the Yankees coming back from an 0-2 deficit in the Division Series against Oakland and securing a 4-1 ALCS victory over Seattle, the nation has reason to hate New York like it had before the attacks.
   “I guess some things never change: Yankees in the World Series,” noted one baseball fan, “and New York can eat shit.”
   Experts are in disagreement over when the transition from compassion to utter hatred of New York will be completed.
   “Some say another couple of months, and some say a year or more, after the fighting stops [in Afghanistan],” said Harvard sociologist Dr. Christopher Greco.  “But one thing's for certain: America will learn to hate New York again.”