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Corporate
Icons Form Cult, Commit Mass Suicide
LOS ANGELES-
After receiving his pink slip, the Taco Bell Chihuahua contacted his good
friends, the Budweiser Frogs, and several other lesser-known spokesanimals-
the Lucent Technologies Hamster, the Tampax Gila Monster, and the Smirnoff
Incoherent Bear. Together they formed a cult in homage to late Bud
Light spokesdog Spuds McKenzie.
In accordance with the "ancient" prophecy drawn up by Incoherent Bear,
the members of the cult killed themselves at midnight, July 23, in order
to meet McKenzie in the afterlife.
"That dog was really down after getting the boot," said Mervin Sanders,
a Taco Bell associate. "He kind of lost is mind; he kept talking
about space aliens coming to take him to Spuds McKenzie and all this other
weird stuff."
The chihuahua got a hold of the once-popular frogs, and they suggested
meeting with Smirnoff's bear, who was recently fired because at meetings
he would frequently beat on the desk while yelling curtly. Incoherent
Bear then organized the cult and recruited the hamster and gila monster.
The suicides were uncharacteristically gruesome. "Usually mass suicides
are clean," said Peter Stafford, a conformity expert, "but this one was
horrible. The animals simply blew their brains out. There was
hair and scales all over the walls."
The suicides have raised serious questions about the way celebrity animals
are treated once they fall out of the limelight. Some are comparing
the layoffs to those of General Motors employees in Flint, Michigan a decade
ago.
"Those firings destroyed Flint- crime went up, poverty levels rose drastically,"
said Ellen Rubias, a Taco Bell patron. "If we don't do something
about this, Hollywood could be next."
A more popular movement is one of preservation. Many believe that
once a commercial animal becomes unpopular, it should be executed, stuffed,
and put on display.
"Just think of it," said Steve Jenkins, "right next to the Spirit of St.
Louis or the Declaration of Independence- a stuffed rat-dog who peddled
pseudo-food."
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