The Rail:  How does it feel to be the most talked about celebrity in Hollywood?

Jennifer Lopez:  Oh, I don't know if I'm the most popular or anything, but it can be overwhelming.  It's very difficult at times to deal with the pressures of the spotlight.  It is wonderful, but it really forces one into an introspective state.  I find myself asking, "Why me?"

TR:  How does it feel to carry that oh-so-sweet chunk of rump around?

JL:  [laughs]

TR:  I'm serious.  Damn, girl, I thought it was all hype, but, nah, you know... damn.  I'd seriously like to build a summer home up inside your ass.

JL:  Um, thanks.  You know, my latest single--

TR:  I'd have a hammock strung up between those cheeks.  I can see it all: the smell of freshly cut grass, the condensation on my lemonade glass, the waves gently crashing on the shore.

JL:  Excuse me?

TR:  Damn, it's a metaphor.  I'm trying to reflect the utter beauty of your gorgeous ass in my description.  I know it's no Keats, but give me some credit.

JL: Look, this is getting weird--

TR:  I'm sorry.  I got a little carried away.  Please, your single.

JL:  Okay.  It's called "Play," and basically it express--

TR:  Damn I want to stick my tongue in that ass.

JL:  Listen--

TR:  You know you never show that thing in movies and stuff.  Like at the Oscars, you were wearing that see-through dress.  Damn, titties is nice and all, but we want your ass.  That's what makes you who you are.  What's wrong with you?

JL:  I'm leaving if you're going to be like this.

TR:  What's a guy got to do to get his hands--Hell, teeth--on that ass?

JL:  Good-bye.  [gets up to leave]

TR:  Damn that ass is all right.  No shit.