Los Angeles Celebrates Championship with Murder
LOS ANGELES– Immediately after the Los Angeles Lakers capped off their second consecutive NBA championship in game five against the Philadelphia 76ers with a 108-96 win, ecstatic Laker fans began celebrating in the time-honored tradition of murdering one another.
   “I've already killed two little girls and a guy in a wheelchair,” said one gleeful man, donning a blood-stained Kobe Bryant jersey.  “What a [playoff] run.”
   Two thousand fans watching the game on the jumbo screen at the Staples Center downtown got a head start on the murderous rampage by being supplied with crowbars, machetes, and handguns on their way out.
   “Thanks to the Lakers for such a wonderful stretch,” said one female fan.  “And thanks for this blade,” she said, decapitating a police officer.
   Citizens rushed onto the streets just after 9:00 PM PST.  Chaos ensued as overjoyed fans began throwing each other through plate glass windows, looting, and of course, murdering fellow Laker supporters.
   “I can't wait to get back to L.A.,” said Finals MVP Shaquille O'Neal.  “I'm going to knock out a bunch of people and tip a burning car on top of them.”
   Although a parade has not been scheduled yet, it will surely incorporate the fans' spirit of random, horrifying violence.
   “I said I'd kill my whole family if they [the Lakers] swept the playoffs,” said another male fan.  “But they lost one.  Fuck it, I'll kill them all anyway.”
  “The Lakers overcame adversity and learned to work together as a team to a record postseason,” said Mayor Richard J. Riordan.  “Now let's all work as a team, and we, as a city, can break last year's records.”
   As a result of the celebrations, 364 people were dead at press time.