Liposuction Shown to Improve Cholesterol, Fucking Levels
VIENNA– New research presented to the public Friday concludes that liposuction, the removal of excess fat via surgery, can improve one's cholesterol and fucking levels.
   “Although liposuction's primary goal is to reduce body fat, it also has the effects of reducing cholesterol levels and raising the frequency at which the patient fucks,” said Dr. Fitz Hoppichler, of the University of Salzburg.  “This is especially the case amongst women.”
   Hoppichler said the eight who participated in the study lost an average of six pounds, had significant drops in cholesterol, and readily found access to fucking.
   “It's wonderful being thinner,” said Greta Braun, one of the patients.  “Now I can suck sperm out of various men's cocks much like the machine sucked the fat out of me.”
   It is not certain why cholesterol levels drop after liposuction—its effects upon metabolism are still being examined.  What is certain is that the instant improvement in a patient's attractiveness affects his or her fucking levels.
   “They come in looking so-so, and leave looking hot,” said Hoppichler.  “I would have fucked them on the operating table if it weren't for the cumbersome tubes.”
   “Before [the surgery] I was lonely,” said Braun.  “Now I'm sore.  Always sore.  But look at this tight ass.  I crack walnuts with it.”
   300,000 liposuctions were performed last year in the U.S., resulting in 41.6 million superfluous sex acts.