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Mandela
Kills Seven More
The "Mandela Murders" have continued
as Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela has added seven more to the death count of
a rampage that began with three audience members at a taping of "Oprah"
last Wednesday.
Oprah asked Mandela
how he could not be angry at the injustices he has had to deal with his
whole life. He responded, "Shit, you're right, girl!"
He then beat three
female audience members to death and threw a chair across the stage.
One of the chair's legs speared a man's skull, killing him instantly.
Mandela then left the
studio, stole a car and set out on a cross-continent journey that has claimed
nine other lives.
The latest six of seven
in Nebraska occurred at a Wal-Mart near Lincoln, Nebraska. Mandela
was apparently recognized by a shopper who pointed out to others that he
appeared to be the "Traveling Butcher." Several people tried bring
him down, but being a martial arts expert, he had no problem snapping the
necks of two attackers and swiftly roundhouse kicking the heads off the
other four.
Mandela left Nebraska
and was last seen heading southwest, perhaps to Mexico. Authorities
warn that Mandela is a highly dangerous man, and if you spot him, you should
call the police immediately and stay away from him.
"This is the most dangerous
man in America," said a spokesman for the FBI. "He is a one-man killing
machine, without a soul, and without reason. He has been trained
in the deadly arts and is unstoppable, except for when we bring our guns."
Mandela crossed the
border with Canada sometime Wednesday. He killed two tourists by
sneaking into their hotel rooms and stabbing them to death with a screw
driver. Mandela then used their blood to write "Pigs" on the walls.
There is no apparent motive.
"This man is a monster,"
said the spokesman. "He killed a man in a Nebraska rest stop by ripping
off his left arm, setting it on fire, and beating him to death with it.
Then he ate his testicles. Watch out for this guy."
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