America Celebrates Memorial Day Weekend
   It's that time of year again.  The sun block's on, the coolers are filled, and Americans are packing up their cars and heading out for an extended weekend of leisure in memory of war veterans.  This Memorial Day weekend, people are engaging in all sorts of activities, from drinking beer to drinking light beer.
   “Woooooo!” said Ft. Lauderdale vacationer Melody Ford, hanging upside-down, guzzling beer through a long tube connected to a funnel.  “God bless our boys!”
   Thousands upon thousands of patriots have already headed to the nation's beaches to take advantage of the alcohol-swilling freedom for which millions of U.S. soldiers fought.
   “This is the best Labor Day ever,” said Craig Ayre, his hand inside Ford's bikini bottom.  “Oh shit, I gotta puke.”
   But drinking beer is not the only activity Americans are partaking in this weekend.  Many prefer the quick effects of hard liquor, like Brent Atkinson, who chose to do body shots off an unidentified female in South Padre.
   “Damn,” said Atkinson, attempting to suck up the worm from a Tequila bottle off the woman's bare breast.  “I'm so shitfaced, I can't, aw fuck it.”  He then offered his erect penis to the woman for oral sex.  She obliged as a crowd of onlookers cheered.
   Although many of those partying become drunk, that won't stop them from capitalizing on their rights to drive home.
   “My hat's off to the Army,” said Ayre, propping himself up on the hood of his car.  “Without them what would we have?  We'd be nothing.  We'd [have] no freedom.”  Ayre then got into his Chevy Tahoe, with which he would kill seven people in a road accident later than night.
   Veterans are also thrilled with the holiday and its respectful overtones.
   “This is truly a wonderful holiday,” said legless D-Day veteran Jeff Gaines.  “What other country allows its most honorable acts of heroism to be celebrated the way we do?”