Michael Jordan to Return to Massive Image Prostitution
WASHINGTON, D.C.– For the past couple of months the sports world has been abuzz with the question “Will Michael Jordan make a comeback?“  In a press conference Tuesday, Jordan announced his return to massive image prostitution, much to the delight of TV commercial fans everywhere.
   Three years ago, Jordan retired from selling his likeness to every company willing to sign him to a contract, although he maintained a relative handful of deals, “just to keep the rust off.”  He has recently expressed a desire to return to gross commercialization, solely for the challenge.
   “It was tough being away from it all,” he said.  “And after careful consideration, I'm ready to take on the challenge of filming hours of commercials for a vast array of products and services.  But this isn't average extra-money-on-the-side deals here.  I'm going back to the days when my pictures were painted on the sides of buildings, and I'll be all over the TV, the way it used to be.  The way it should be.  These young players don't respect objectification anymore.”
   Jordan has not named all the companies he will return to, but it seems likely that he will begin re-endorsing Rayovac batteries, Oakley sunglasses, and McDonald's.
   “I've been getting back in shape, preparing for the long hours in makeup,” he said.  “Of course, I've been endorsing the usual—Nike, Gatorade, all that, but this is the big time.  And I'm prepared.”
   Aside from returning to old, familiar corporations and stepping up the frequency of appearances for current deals, Jordan will sign with many new companies like Oracle, Boeing, and JVC, among others.
   “It's time to show the world I can sell myself the way I used to,” Jordan said.  “I may even be able to surpass the achievements of my younger days, but we'll just have to see.”