Molesting Children? That's Fucking Gross
   Well, I suppose you all have been expecting Me to say something.  We've had quite a few centuries of this Catholic-priest-and-altar-boy controversy, but it's really heating up now, so I guess I'll have to address the issue.  (I don't do this too often, so listen up.)
   Molesting children?  What are you guys thinking?  That's fucking gross.  I mean, I can't even fathom what's going through your heads.  What do you say, “Man, I bet that kid's got a big ol’ pair of balls...that haven't dropped yet,” or something?  Don't I give you people enough things to pray about?  You barely have time scratch your nuts and this is what you do with your free time?  Say a few more Hail Marys for Christ's sake.
   Why don't I ever hear about a priest running off with a porn star or a stripper—or just a woman?  What does the priesthood have to do with boys?  I just don't understand.  If it were Jenna Jameson or Aria Giovanni, I could accept it.  I mean, they're so goddamn hot.  But boys?  God almighty I'm not made to understand.
   Well, as I'm sure CNN has told you, what you priests have done is a sin, so you know, I'll have to punish you in the afterlife.  But somehow that doesn't seem like enough.  You need real punishment now, and it doesn't look like the bishops are going to do much.  So, for your earthly punishment I am recalling all Church vans.  That's right.  Sell them back to the dealer and use the money to buy a bunch of Rosary beads or something like that.  And stop this molesting stuff; I'm trying to eat.