Oscars
Preview
Well, the 73rd Annual Academy Awards are upon us. As usual, all the
movies suck royal. And, once again, the list of nominees hammers
the one undeniable fact of cinema: White people make good movies.
Here's a rundown of the nominees for the three major categories: |
Best Picture
Chocolat -
This chick moves into some French town and sets up a chocolate shop and
the locals suck it down like Jell-O shots. It would have been far
better a movie if it were called “Cocain.” Think about it.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
- I go into this one expecting some great martial arts action, and
I get it, but I have to read subtitles. I mean, reading, come on.
I'm not here to take the goddamned SAT. Where are the overdubbed
voices, like in the “Godzilla” movies? That would have been great.
Erin Brockovich - Apparently
there were some minor details the movie got wrong. Like the fact
that Brockovich never actually proved there were dangerous poisons in the
water. But I'm sure they just changed that for dramatic effect.
Gladiator - This one's the
favorite. It's about a homosexual general turned homosexual slave
turned homosexual gladiator. I think he has sex with Caesar, but
don't quote me.
Traffic - Apparently anyone
in America can get any drugs they want whenever they want. Also,
America is losing the drug war real bad. My best picture pick.
Best Actor
Javier Bardem -
In “Before Night Falls,“ he plays Reinaldo Arenas, a Castro supporter who
is later persecuted for being a homosexual. He's pretty good, for
a tonsil jockey. Too bad no one at the Academy has seen this film.
Russell Crowe - The favorite
for his portrayal of Maximus in “Gladiator.” Chosen because his brow-furrowing
technique is unmatched among today's thespians. Damn, he's a good
squinter.
Tom Hanks - He plays Chuck
Noland, a cast away, in “Cast Away.” Basically, he's just talking
to himself for the whole movie. What I want to know is where was
the nomination for Macaulay Culkin in “Home Alone” for doing the same damn
thing?
Ed Harris - Jackson Pollock
in “Pollock.” You ever see that elephant that holds that big paintbrush
with its trunk? That pachyderm could kick this abstract-painting
motherfucker’s ass.
Geoffrey Rush - Star of “Quills,”
about the Marquis de Sade, who was locked up in an insane asylum for writing
obscene stories. The original Larry Flynt and my best actor pick.
Best Actress
Joan Allen -
She plays a vice-presidential nominee facing character assassination in
“The Contender.” Could this be any less realistic? Who cares
about the vice president? Does anyone even know who the current vice
president is? I didn't think so.
Juliette Binoche - Vianne,
the chocolate pusher in “Chocolat.” Hey, executives, the French make
cheese and wine, the Germans make the chocolate. If you're going
to make a movie about a chocolate shop, make it about a Nazi Germany chocolate
shop. So much unseen potential...
Ellen Burstyn - Sara Goldfarb,
an old drug addict in “Requiem for a Dream.” Forget that, this is
the most unknowingly racist production ever: Marlon Wayans plays a guy
named Tyrone and it's directed by a Jew.
Laura Linney - Who?
Julia Roberts - The title
role of “Erin Brockovich.” She's the favorite because she's finally
showing a somewhat serious amount of skin, after years of being covered
up by what might as well have been parkas. But if she wants a lifetime
achievement award fifty years from now, this 31-year-old better show some
blatant titty, before they start sagging. My pick, regardless of
the tease.