“Pearl Harbor” Edited So As Not to Offend Slant-Eyes
NEW YORK– Disney is hoping that the slightly different version of its monstrous blockbuster “Pearl Harbor” will not offend slant-eyes.  Japan is the second-largest film market in the world, so precautions have been made to ensure that yiggers, tapeheads, and panheads can enjoy the movie as thoroughly as American audiences.
   “We don't want to be condescending to the Japs and Nips,” said Mark Zoradi, president of Buena Vista International, who will distribute the film globally.  “Hentai, yolks, Yokos, yellow monkeys, yellow devils, wogs, nine irons, and tinties can all watch the film without fear of racial slurs and stereotypes.”
   One change is in the dialogue during a dogfight scene: “Jap suckers” is altered to simply “Japs.”
   “Everything that could possibly offend a tableface, a thin-eye, or a slope is gone,” said Zoradi.  “It's harm-free for squints.”
   Also, the Japanese dialogue has been amplified so audiences can clearly hear and literally interpret it for themselves.
   “We overdubbed those bug-eaters’ talks just for the Nuprin audience,” Zoradi said.  “Now the Twinkies can skip the subtitles and hear the scenes in their own ping-pang language.”
   The film opens July 14 in Japan.
   “We'll just have to wait and see if the Nikons accept it,” he continued.  “Lemonheads, jaundy boys, and can'ardlies are a hard bunch to please, let me tell you.”
   “I a-looking forward to film,” said Japanese movie buff Iko Yoshimegi, bowing repeatedly.  “It is honorable what they have done to it for us.”
   There have also been a few adjustments to appease Adolphs, boxheads, Fritzes, Heinees, Herms, Huns, Jerrys, Krauts, Moffen, Nazis, Piffkes, Schmeissers, and squareheads.