Music Critic Snaps, Admits Rap is Shit
NEW YORK– Freelance music reviewer Neil Portis, who has written scores of reviews of hip-hop albums for various publications like Rolling Stone and Spin, snapped Friday and admitted that all rap music is absolute shit.
   “I just suddenly lost it,” he said.  “I couldn't live with the lie any longer.  Rap is horseshit.”
   Portis has written favorably of artists like Eminem, Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot, and, most recently, Ja Rule, whose latest album received three out of four stars from the reviewer.
   “What the hell was I thinking?” pondered Portis.  “You know, I've just been giving out three stars to every new rap album—and I can't tell the difference between any two.”
   The visibly shaken writer continued his revelation.
   “Can you believe the shit I wrote, too?  I called Ja Rule a ‘thug.’  What am I, Dick Tracy?”
   Portis also referred to controversial rapper Eminem as “The Persecuted” in his review of 2000’s “Marshall Mathers LP.”
   “What the fuck drove me to compare Eminem to Jesus Christ?” he asked.  “I mean, you've got the ultimate symbol of compassion and love, and some guy who sings about dismemberment.”
   Portis then bowed his head and heavily rubbed his forehead.
   “I swear,” he said slowly, “if I hear one more guy say ‘motherfucker,’ I'm going to lose my shit.”
   Though he now finds much of the lyrical content of hip-hop records repugnant, Portis points to the music as the root of his drastic change in attitude toward rap.
   “I was sitting there, listening to God knows what, and I suddenly thought, ‘What is this shit?’” he said.  “No instruments, monotonous bass, nursery rhyme melodies.  People listen to this?”
   Portis has since vowed to never listen to another rap album again.
   “It's over.  You've heard one, you've heard them all.  I wouldn't listen to Snoop Dogg if he gave me a concert in my own house,” he said.  “I'll stick with alt-rock, thank you very much.”