Man Remembers 9/11 by Doing the Same Shit He Does Every Day
AUSTIN, TX– 21-year-old University of Texas economics major Paul Gerrard spent this September 11 remembering the victims of last year's attacks along with millions of other Americans.  He honored those passed by doing the same shit he does every day: going to class, watching TV, and getting drunk.
   “It all started pretty routinely,” Gerrard recalled.  “I got up, got ready, and walked to class.  Then I saw some chick with an American flag shirt on and I was like, ‘Shit, that's right, it's September 11th.’  So I figured I should do something special.”
   Gerrard attended his three classes in silence, so as to mourn those who lost their lives and their families.
   “I passed out after about 10 minutes of Spanish,” he said.  “Pretty much the same thing in History and Economics, too.”
   Although his vow of silence was perhaps an unusual mode of memorializing the fallen, Gerrard did follow suit when he returned to his apartment at two. 
   “I plopped myself on the couch and watched some MTV and shit,” he noted.  “I watched a little of the Dodgers-Giants game, and they were talking about how important sports can be as a diversion from the harshness of reality and all that, and then I switched to Oprah for a minute and fell asleep for, like, an hour.”
   When he awoke, Gerrard continued his steadfast remembrance of 9/11 by watching the various ceremonies held at the sites of the crashes.  Emotionally exhausted after seven hours of retrospection, he chose to cap the day off with a celebration of life and liberty by getting plastered.
   “Ben [Coleman] called me up and said, ‘Hey let's get hammered,’ so I was like, ‘Shit yeah, Dickie’s has dollar daiquiris every Wednesday,’” Gerrard said.  “So we got wasted and I came home and passed out.”
   Paul Gerrard's reminiscential day serves as a testament to the strength of the American character.  By living his day in normalcy with special, profound moments of consideration peppered throughout, he has stared fear and pain square in the face.  He did not blink.
   “Business as usual at the PG household,” he concluded.