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World's
First Mechanical Soul Implanted
LOUISVILLE, KY.– The world's first
self-contained mechanical soul has been successfully implanted after eight
hours of surgery in an operating room in Jewish Hospital. The titanium
and plastic implant is the first major breakthrough in soul development
technology, and, if this experiment is successful, it could mean an end
to soulless pseudohumans roaming the earth and spreading their blasphemous
“reason,” according to experts.
“The first-ever mechanical
soul implant has saved this patient like it will save mankind forever,”
said Kathy Keadle, a hospital spokeswoman. “No longer will the patient
be blinded by the evil treacheries of science.”
The implant has successfully
materialized what was once thought to be the one intangible aspect of being
human. It, if and when commonly used, will replace what millions
of people who subscribe to logic and skepticism lack—true humanity.
“[He or she is] very
pleased with the implant,” said Keadle of the patient, who reportedly accepted
such ridiculous notions as evolution and calculus. “Next stop, Heaven.”
Creators of the implant
(who, despite their questionable dabbling in the realms of rationale and
innovation, have souls) claim the device will eliminate the proliferation
of science and other manmade soul-destroying endeavors, like Eastern religion.
“Finally, we can see
an end to this objective nonsense that has gone on far too long,” said
Joseph Theus, one of the developers of the implant. “In fifty years,
people will be putting all their energy into non-falsifiable thought.
God will reign unquestionably once we all acquire souls.”
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