Britney Spears Suspected of Raising Masturbation Levels to an All-Time High
CAMBRIDGE, MASS.– A new Harvard University study reports that masturbation levels among American males have risen dramatically since Britney Spears exploded onto the music and masturbation scenes in 1998 with her first video, “..Baby One More Time.”
   “This is truly a meteoric rise in masturbation frequency,” said Greg Lehr, head of the 2000 Harvard Masturbation Study.  “We haven't seen levels this high since ‘Charlie's Angels’ in the seventies and the first issues of ‘Playboy’ two decades earlier.”
   According to the study, the average 25-to-55-year-old male masturbates 2.3 times per week, 1.4 times to an image or thought of Britney Spears—the lowest figures of the report.  Males over 55 typically masturbate 3.1 times a week, 2.9 times to Spears.  Finally, males aged 12 to 25 masturbate an average of 9.8 times per week, 4.4 times to the songstress.
   “All of the numbers are up significantly, and correlate with the increase in Spears' popularity,” said Lehr.  “It appears that Britney has started a masturbation renaissance.”
   Spears' popularity has continually risen over the past three years, and it has encouraged other young, attractive female singers, like Christina Aguilera, to push their ways to the forefront of the masturbation stage.
   “It's a domino effect,” said Andrew Simmons, a researcher for the study.  “Every time Britney lowers her bust line or raises her shirt, others follow.  This is what masturbators feed on, in an ever-increasing self-gratification urge.  It's cancerous.”
   The influence of Spears on rivals like Aguilera only fuels the collective masturbation desire of the American male public.
   “First Britney does the ‘...Baby One More Time’ video, then Christina did the ‘Genie in a Bottle‘ one,” said 16-year-old fan James Levin.  “Then Britney does that concert without a bra on, and Christina shows her panties off in ‘Rolling Stone.’  Britney tears her clothes off at the MTV awards, Christina wears the dress showing her thong.  Britney has that ‘Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know’ video, Christina dresses as a whore in that ‘Moulin Rouge’ video.  You know, man, I just don't have the time to masturbate that much.”
   Spears' presence is extending to non-musical media like books and film, among others.
   “I heard that the PlayStation game will allow you to zoom and manipulate the camera all over the place,” said Levin.  “She's taking it up a notch.”
   Researchers are unsure when this masturbation trend will end.
   “As long as the public wants large-breasted teenage girls on TV, it will stay,” said Lehr.  “Did you ever see that ‘Stronger’ video where Britney was all wet?  Shit, I've ejaculated in my shorts just thinking about it.”