Britney Spears' Bare Breasts Explode the Heads of 2,342 Males
COLUMBUS, OH- Pop singer Britney Spears' breasts are at the center of an unprecedented event in the world of live performance- mass head explosion.  During a recent concert at the Polaris Ampitheater, Spears lifted her right arm quickly, forcing her bra-less breasts to burst out of her excessively tight shirt.  Although the succulent bosom was exposed for only a couple of seconds, the indescribable lust felt by 2,342 males gazing upon the breasts resulted in the simultaneous exploding of all their heads.
   "It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen," said Melissa Bundy, a 14-year-old fan.  "I didn't see her boobs because there were all these people in front of me, but I did hear this sharp ringing noise for a second, then a huge bang.  There was blood and gray matter everywhere."
   Scientists have suggested that looking directly at Spears' breasts is like looking directly at the sun in that we all want to do it, but the effects can be detrimental.
   "It's quite simple, actually," said Ethan Getty, a psychologist at Northwestern University.  "Britney Spears' breasts constitute the most beautifully formed work of art in human history.  To stare at them is to stare at perfection itself, and, as imperfect beings, we cannot handle this.  So heads blow up."
   Many have questioned why only males were killed in the incident, dubbed the Tit Offensive in mainstream media.  The answer, according to Getty and his colleagues, is that females are more capable of understanding and interpreting artistic masterpieces, while men are simply blown away, no pun intended.  Many of the 5,891 females at the concert did report severe headaches during and immediately following the exposure.
   "Yeah, my ears got all hot and the back of my head was really pressured," said Angela Haywood, a 16-year-old fan.  "But it was worth it.  I never knew such beauty could exist.  Gaping at Britney's sweater puppies, I realized that there was a beautiful, loving force behind things, and I knew everything would be all right in my life."
   Precautionary measures are being taken so that this never happens again.  Spears will be forced to wear a bra, undershirt, and shirt whenever in public.  Also, the bottom of her outer shirt must never be more than one inch above her navel.
   "I told her that her shirt was too tight," said Allen Remans, Spears' costume designer.  "But she said it would be fine.  I had a feeling something bad would happen."
   A vigil in memory of the deceased will be held at the Ampitheater Saturday night.
   "It is sad," said Rick Passo, whose brother, Bryan Passo, died in the crowd. "But, man, what a way to go.  You know, I've always said I wanted to die doing what I love, and Bryan did just that."