 Tennis
News: Some Fuck Wins French Open; Kournikova Withdrawal to Render Wimbledon
Unmasturbatable
PARIS– Some dickhead who isn't Pete Sampras, Andre Agassi, or that
young hard-ass who yells at the officials won the French Open Men's Singles
Final on Sunday or Monday. Sources close to the story believe at
least one of the finalists was Spanish, but added who the fuck really cares.
In the Women's Final, probably held the day before, some chubby broad who
was probably Dutch or had a hyphen in her name or both beat out some other
unpronounceable bull-dyke. Serena Williams' giant ass, enormous tits,
and taut thighs were knocked out before the Final.
BIRMINGHAM, England– Anna Kournikova, citing back pain, withdrew from
the Wimbledon warm-up tournament, and will likely not play in Wimbledon,
rendering the greatest championship in tennis unmasturbatable. Kournikova
fans like myself who were hoping for fresh, live play from the Russian
will once again have to resort to downloading paparazzi photos on the Internet.
Hockey News: Game 7 Anxiously Awaited by No One
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.– The New Jersey Devils hosted the Anaheim Mighty
Ducks (yes, they actually named a hockey team after an Emilio Estevez movie,
and people accepted it) in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals last night.
They say no two words in sports carry quite the same weight as “Game 7.”
Every player dreams of Game 7 glory from childhood onward, and every fan
lives for the exhilaration of a Game 7 victory. Except with hockey,
'cause no one watches it. The Stanley Cup is supposed to be the hardest
trophy to win—a grueling journey often compared to military battle.
I guess you can call this a secret war, then, since the rest of the country
and I couldn't be bothered and watched “Everybody Loves Raymond” instead.
Other Notes
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The new Charlotte NBA team will be nicknamed the Bobcats. Evidently
the rejected names Wildcats and Yellow Jackets did not have enough of that
Little League panache.
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X-rays of Sammy Sosa's old lumber have revealed that the slugger's corked
bat was apparently a one-off. Fans are still left to wonder if he
only uses one vein for steroid injection.
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This just in: Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis is still a murderer,
and NFL fans are okay with it.
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