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Superior
Steroids to Help U.S. Win Gold at Sydney
With the Olympics less
than a week away, all of the competitors are making their final preparations
for the games. The United States, whose overall domination has been
unmatchable the past decade, is gearing up by consuming the purest and
safest steroids available.
"We can't afford to
lose our edge on the rest of the field," said Rulon Gardner, a U.S. Greco-Roman
wrestler. "That's why I'm injecting massive amounts of Dianabol into
my body daily."
Many drugs, such as
Dianabol, have been unavailable in the U.S. for some time, allowing black
market versions to take over. Apparently, though, some unnamed drug
companies have been producing "unavailable" steroids for U.S. athletes
throughout the summer, as a measure to ensure U.S. dominance.
"All the other countries
have the same drugs we have," said Calvin Brock, Super Heavyweight U.S.
boxer. "But theirs aren't as pure as ours. Our Deca-Durabolin
is definitely primo shit."
Coupled with the supreme
drugs is top-notch drug test cheating, according to the athletes.
"Yeah, our tiny vials
that we fill with clean piss are easier to hide in our asses than those
used by other nations," said Maurice Greene, the world's fastest man.
"Yeah, our miniature vial technology is fucking light-years ahead of the
Germans."
Regardless of the drugs
being taken, all the competitors who have not been psychologically ravaged
by steroids are looking forward to the games.
"I'm so excited," said
Adam Nelson, shot putter. "I've been gobbling up Anadrol with a spoon.
Dude, I'm gonna throw the fuck out of that ball."
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