What's Up with Texans?

Well, I've been thinking about a lot of things since the war ended, but that whole Dixie Chicks controversy about being ashamed of having a Texan president has me focused on one issue.  (I know that was like a month ago, but we've been on hiatus, so give me a break.)  That issue is, simply: Why the hell are Texans so proud of their bullshit?  You go into a mall in Texas and you're bound to find some Texas-themed store selling shirts, mugs, paperweights, and stained glass decor with images of pedestrian shit on it—boots, bluebonnets, cowboy hats.  Is this all Texas has to offer the world?  And if so, why are these people so damn proud of the fact that some of them wear boots?    No other state forces their bullshit on the rest of the country like Texas does.  How many people know what the state flag of Vermont is?  Hell, who outside the respective states knows what New York's or California's is?  Texans put their shit on their cars, in their house windows—shit, they wear shirts made out of the state flag.  How about some humility, Texas?  You think German license plates brag about their Nobel Prize winners?  Do Canadians fill their homes with wall hangings celebrating their excellent health care?     Yet Texans insist on telling us how big the state is, how big the mosquitoes get, and how hot it is.  This is what you're proud of?  Big insects?  Fuck me, can I get an education in your state?  “I don't know ‘bout all that, partner, but you sure as hell can get the hottest chili this side of the Pecos.“  It never ends.  Footwear, headwear, and large, armored rats.  “We have an ugly fucking animal that no one gives a shit about called an armadillo.  Don't mess with us.”     And oil.  Woo boy, don't forget the oil.  How can you be so vain?  Even Middle Eastern nations don't talk shit about oil.  They'll probably tell you how proud they are to be a link to the original civilizations, to the oldest literature, to the first mathematicians.  “Shit, we got oil and cow skulls.  Guns and spurs.  We're the pinnacle of humanity.”  Wait, they wouldn't use “pinnacle.”  Or “humanity.”  Maybe, “best motherfuckers on Earth.”