What's Wrong With Today's Kids
   I have the answer.  The question you say?  The question is: Why are today's kids so shitty?  Yeah, I hear people asking that all the time.  Kids suck nowadays.  I was part of the last generation of really cool kids.  Kids who liked to ride their bikes and build pillow forts and watch Saturday morning cartoons.  So what's the answer you say?  Well, I've already alluded to it you fucking idiot: cartoons.  Cartoons today are the worst shit ever.  Man, kids today don't have to wake up at six to watch G.I. Joe.  They don't know who Foghorn Leghorn is; they don't even care.
   They've got the Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon and God knows what else.  Back in my day we had ABC Saturday mornings with fucking Bugs Bunny talking trash, but doing so facetiously.  He wasn't telling them to cannibalize their families or whatever, like the Power Puff Girls probably do. 
   Shit, we had it all.  Garfield taught us to be conscientious and to resort to civil disobedience if the climate called for such a response.  Captain Planet taught us the flaws of the voluntarist perspective of procedural liberalism and our duties to the community and environment.  The Turtles, well, they were fucking cool.  I wanted to be a teenager, I wanted to be a mutant, I wanted to be a ninja, and turtles were the best.  I had six growing up.  Nothing compares to putting oven mitts on, lighting a turtle's shell on fire, and playing hot potato with that fucker.
   I know I'm not alone here, America.  You too want to go back to those times.  If we want it bad enough, it will be ours.  Remember, war is over if you want it.