Two Dollar Bill? Don't You Know Who I Am?
   Fuck this two dollar bill shit.  Whoever's behind this better watch his back.  'Cause when I find out who put me on this useless, obscure denomination, lives will be lost.  Don't doubt it.
   Don't they know who I am?  Shit, I practically invented this county.  I wrote the Declaration of fucking Independence, damn it.  Guess who came up with all that rights shit?  I did.  Life?  Me.  Liberty?  Me.  Pursuit of goddamned happiness?  Take a wild guess, motherfucker.  Granted, they are self-evident rights, but I still recognized them.  Now I need to be recognized, ya dig?
   Look, George W. on the one is fine.  He was pretty cool.  Abe, I don't know too well, but he seems like the kind of guy I could hang with.  How about the ten?  Hamilton.  Yeah, all right, he did some Constitution shit.  Chances are you don't know what he did.  Jackson?  Power hungry veto-freak.  The fitty dollar bill has Grant.  Now that's some kind of shit, let me tell you.  Grant?  That's not a president; it's a tree.  I think he was in some war or something.  Fuck if I know.  He sure as hell didn't declare no independence, though.  Franklin's on the Franklin, naturally.  That's cool, I guess.  He invented a lot of shit—electricity and what not—but he can't compare to yours truly.  Shit, what I gotta do?  Build a fucking perpetual motion machine?  Fuck, man.  The only dude who got it worse than me is my boy James Madison.  Maddy's on the five thousand.  Pretty sweet, eh?  But shit ain't in circulation no more.  Yeah, that's fucked up for the guy who wrote the Constitution.  Anyway, I'm better than half the fucks on the bills they still print, and I'm stuck on this cocksucker.  And what's with that Indian broad on the golden dollar coin?  Sacaga-whatsit.  Outrageous.
   Well, you probably want to argue that being on the deuce is great because people really notice it when they get one, right?  “Oh, look at that, a two dollar bill!”  Yeah, nice, but you're thinking: “Who's on it?”  Then you look.  Thomas the fuck Jefferson.  Holy shit.  That guy should be on the twenty.  At worst.