Bush Declares “War Against Nerds”
WASHINGTON, D.C.– In a press conference Friday, President Bush announced a “proactive solution” to school violence.  This comes as a response to the shootings in California and Pennsylvania last week.
   “We must be wary of the nerds,” said Bush.  “They are a dangerous bunch.  We are accordingly taking action to prevent more unnecessary killings.”
   The policy Bush is pushing, coined “The War Against Nerds,” involves the repression of nerds, dorks, dweebs, and other social outcasts through media regulation— particularly video games.
   “We urge the parents of geeks to take away their violent video games and not allow them to view violent television and movies,” said Education Secretary Rob Paige.  “It is the duty of parents to keep these dangerous media away from their loser kids.”
   The Bush administration is reacting to the fact that many school shootings, which are usually orchestrated and carried out by social rejects, are inspired by video games like the violence-laden “Doom.”
   Bush expressed the concern driving the proposed policy.
   “We are in serious trouble if these drips form any sort of coalition,” he said.  “They are very smart, and we don't want them gaining any more power than they already have.  The last thing we want in America is a spazocracy.”
   Any students who are not members of the middle and upper cliques of high schools will have any questionable materials (including video games, videos, and magazines) confiscated by police officers.  Any parent who does not turn in his/her pussy's games, etc. may be charged with harboring a criminal.
   “I truly hope we can get this legislation through,” said Bush.  “It must be done for the safety of our emotionally-balanced children.”
   “It is sad what's happening to our nation's freaks,” said Paige.  “I understand that it can be hard to deal with handsome jocks and the cheerleaders they're banging, but that's no reason to shoot anyone.  I mean what the fuck's wrong with these nerds?”