Man Attends WNBA Game
HOUSTON– Electrician Robert Dawes attended Monday's Women's National Basketball Association (WNBA) season opener between the L.A. Sparks and the Houston Comets.  He is believed to be the first man to ever attend a WNBA game.
   “Well my wife wanted us to do something as a family on Memorial Day,” said Dawes.  “And Julia, my daughter, really wanted to see the pre-game awards.  Apparently the Comets won the championship last year.”
   Dawes was relatively disappointed in the performance of the two teams, who shot a combined 6-for-30 from downtown.
   “They scored like 60-something points [each],” he said.  “What is this, the East Bumfuck Elementary School playoffs?  Why do they keep shooting from so far out?  Their arms are too weak.  Wilt [Chamberlain] could score more from his casket.”
   Despite Dawes' displeasure, his wife Karen enjoyed the game.
   “It's great to see women succeeding at sports,” she said.
   Her husband responded, “Succeeding?  They look like 8-year-olds when they try to heave that ball up there.”
   Not surprisingly, Dawes was underwhelmed when the Comets closed the gap to 64-63 with 1:06 to play, before losing 66-63.
   “Everyone started cheering, but I was like, ‘Whoopty-fucking-doo,’” he said, moving his index finger in a circle.  “All these 10-year-old girls were yelling—I mean screaming.  Screeching.  Thousands of them.  It's like a child molester's paradise.”
   Dawes went on to say that he will never view another WNBA game, and included more reasons for his dislike of the sport.
   “That's the last game I ever see,” he said.  “They can't shoot, they're slow, and they move weird.  Like, not fluid, like a man would be.  And there aren't any dunks.  I couldn't wait to get out of there to see the Sixers-Bucks.”
   Reports that another man attended the game could not be confirmed at press time.