World Cup Drawings Complete
Americans: “Fuck Soccer”
BUSAN, South Korea— While the world anxiously received the news of the 2002 World Cup Soccer first round draw, Americans nationwide feigned enough interest to mutter a collective “Fuck soccer.”  The tournament, rivaled only by the Summer Olympics in popularity, will be held in Japan and South Korea in June 2002, much to the indifference of the American public.
   “World Cup?  Not that shit again,” said Cleveland resident Jim Blackstone, 34.  “What is it, like the second one in three years?”
   Many Americans are baffled by the sheer popularity of soccer, which many deem “boring” or “gay.”
   “I don't get it,” said one St. Louis man.  “They’re just running around, not scoring or anything.  If you're going to run, you better be heading for a finish line—or crashing into a guy.”
   The United States has been grouped with Portugal, Poland, and South Korea in Group D, giving America a real chance to advance to later rounds.
   “Who gives a shit?” asked Shannon Fortson, 26, of New York.  “If they win the whole thing, I'll go down to the airport to greet the team and throw baseballs at them.  See if they can play a real sport.”
   “We're grouped with Poland and Portugal?  Those are going to be such great games,” Blackstone said excitedly before adding, “Fags.”
   The very tough Group F—England, Argentina, Sweden, and Nigeria—has been designated “the death group” and will surely be the most interesting to watch early on.
   “Yeah, I know I'll be watching those games,” said one Seattle resident, “instead of the Stanley Cup or the NBA Finals.  Man, I'd rather die.”
   Americans’ aversion to soccer is unique and inexplicable.  Though soccer has gained some support in the states, especially since the 1994 hosting of the Cup, the vast majority of the nation remains in opposition.
   “We all know soccer is popular because other countries can't afford basketball hoops, football padding, or baseball bats,” said Fortson.  “Hopefully, with intelligent foreign policy, we can help these nations gain wealth and finally abandon that homosexual game.”