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Extroversion
I score high. I'm outgoing and talkative.
Agreeableness
I score average. I'm nice enough, but I can be a bitch if you piss me off
even a little.
Conscientiousness
I score low. I'm messy and impatient. I go with my impulses.
Neuroticism
I score low. I'm laid back. I'm a cool head.
Openness to experience
I score high. I'm creative and intelligent. I'm curious.
So is my score on the big five an accurate representation of me? Of course not. It reflects certain facets of me, but completely disregards others. Such as the fact that I want Woody Allen to die but like Bullets Over Broadway, the fact that I feel actual guilt about that, the fact that I dislike bananas, my fear of noserings, etcetera. Just as the fact that I think Joey is hot says something about an aspect of my personality, but very little about who I am.
It's still interesting, though. And because there are FIVE traits, and also FIVE people in NSYNC, and because I was too lazy to come up with a better segue, that'll have to do.
I was about to make dinner. I had it all set up. Pasta. With fresh vegetables. And the kind of sauce that may be from a jar but it's expensive as hell and you feel like you're actually cooking.
And then suddenly I realized that I didn't want pasta. I wanted cookies and milk. So that's what I'm having. Because I'm all about giving in to your baser urges. So if you spot a typo, that's me brushing crumbs off the keyboard.
After I became a Dan, I went about a month without finding any of them even remotely attractive. And then one day, I saw a picture of Joey that showcased… something… And I realized that I definitely would. I told WD. She mocked me. Bitch.
But I knew it was going to happen. I knew it was inevitable. At some point their marketing machine/pimp would make me see one of them in a sexual light. I was waiting for it. And while I waited, I speculated idly as to who it was gonna be. (Aside: have y'all ever seen that Far Side cartoon of the farmer standing in the middle of his flock of chickens, holding a hatchet in his hand, going "Who's it gonna be? Whoooooooo's it gonna be?" and then you see that one of the chickens has a neck like a giraffe?)
Allow me to share my pre-Dan ramblings:
Lance? No. Lance does nothing for me. Less than nothing. He's effeminate and soft. He is not only not sexually attractive to me, I am almost unable to imagine that anyone sees him as a sexual being. Sorry, WD. Sort of like Michael Jackson. Although I do agree with WD that he is remarkably charismatic when in concert. I find that rather confusing, but it doesn't tempt me to see him as hot. It just makes me swear at him for being a retarded motherfucker who can't decide if he wants to be hot or not.
Justin? That's a hard one. Justin, I find attractive, in a nymphetesque jailbait way, at least when he's performing. When he's speaking, or just hanging out; no. No. But when he's thrusting and swiveling and leering into the camera, he makes me think of him in a sexual light. Because I'm a woman, and uptight, and he's The Infant, I can't manage to actually think of, say, having sex with him. My guilt would overcome me. But he is sexual, and I am aware of that fact. Uncomfortably so. Bastard.
Chris? No. I think positive but not sexual thoughts about Chris. I just do not find him attractive. Unlike my non-attraction to Lance, however, I am aware that others do find him so, and I can fathom that.
JC? He is the one I think I should find attractive. He's more or less an adult male. He's boring and responsible and dull. And yet I don't find him attractive. I keep thinking I should. But it doesn't happen. Again, confusing. Fucker.
Joey? I'm afraid so. Whereas JC is like the guy my aunt and uncle want me to hook up with 'cause he's so nice and trustworthy, Joey is the thatchgallows neighbor kid who spent his teen years in juvie and is now a mechanic and keeps knocking girls up. And I want to lick him.
Why is Joey the one I want to lick? To say "it's a matter of taste" -no pun intended- and let it go would be too easy. Let me analyze.
Due to various factors, I was an easy teenager. I never did anything. Well- I did things. But I did them safely, and after due consideration. I did not rebel. I did not hang out with the wrong crowd. I went to prep school, for fuck's sake. No matter what Hollywood tries to tell you, there are no wrong crowds at prep schools. And I certainly never dated bad boys.
But of course one has to go through puberty sooner or, in my case, later. So here I am, a twenty-something teen. I am rebelling. I want to go to wild parties and pick up random guys. And occasionally I do. I bleached my hair. I want to get something pierced. I have my tattoo all picked out. I think Joey Fatone is hot.
See a pattern? I do. I'm a psychology student; seeing patterns is an occupational hazard. It seems to me that picking your favorite retard is rather like taking a Big Five test. It doesn't say everything there is to say about you, but it reflects an aspect of your personality rather neatly and succinctly. I know what my desultory interest in Fatone says about me. So what does your choice of NSYNCer say about you? I knew you'd ask.
LANCE
He is: The Nice Guy. Androgynous. Vaguely effeminate. Gay. Polite. A
gentleman. Nice. Asexual.
You are: Frightened of men in general and male sexuality in particular.
Not in the mood for a guy who'll try to get in your pants. Fragile.
Romantic. Girly. You like pink.
At a costume party you would dress up as: A Catholic schoolgirl. A
little girl. Pocahontas.
JUSTIN
He is: The Attractive Guy. Young. Popular. Sexual. Masculine without being
threatening about it.
You are: Young. Exploring your sexuality. Insecure. In desperate need of
being told that you're special. Not prone to introspection.
At a costume party you would dress up as: A Spice Girl. A cat.
Cinderella.
CHRIS
He is: The Funny Guy. An adult. Funny. Smart. Extroverted.
You are: Proud of your individuality. Bored. Cursed with a sense of humor.
Too grown up to be an NSYNC fan. Perhaps you're a Dan, like us? You probably
have a tattoo of something whimsical. No stern Celtic patterns for you.
You've got Garfield inked on your ass.
At a costume party you would dress up as: Cousin It. Shaft. George Dubya
Shrub.
JC
He is: The Mature Guy. Quiet. Artistic. Serious. Nice. Quietly masculine.
You are: Romantic. Thoughtful. Vulnerable. Calm. Relatively stable. You want
to get married and have children. The kind of person who isn't single but
instead 'between relationships'.
At a costume party you would dress up as: A mime. Audrey Hepburn. Queen
Elizabeth.
JOEY
He is: The Guy Guy. Flirtatious. Hyper-sexual. Masculine. Bad. Not smart.
You are: A bad girl. Easily bored. In need of getting laid. Immature. Scared
of commitment. Probably a Catholic school alumna. Fond of tequila.
At a costume party you would dress up as: A hooker. A pimp. A cop.
What? You don't agree? You want to marry Justin and yet you're an intellectual and a feminist? I consider that unlikely but it could certainly happen. I don't know- I'm just hypothesizing here. If you want this to be more scientific, you'll have to take a [big five test] and send me the results together with your favorite NSYNCer.
Well, not with the guy himself, obviously.
Unless it's Joey.
Fuck.