Fan Or Dan?
The eternal question is answered

There comes a time in everyone's life when the cardinal choices must be made. Bikini or thong? Shave or wax? Golf or synchronized swimming? Evan or Jaron?

Fan or dan?

We can't help you with the others. There are some things a woman has to do for herself. But we can help you figure out if you're a fan or a dan. Let's start with the definitions:

fan (fan)
n. Informal

An ardent devotee; an enthusiast.
[Short for fanatic.]

dan (dan)
1. Man's name.
[Short for Dan, Dan, the Banjo Man.]

n. Biblical
2. Judgement; he that judges.

n. Informal
3. Person who simultaneously can't stand and is strangely intrigued by boyband NSYNC; person who has intense feelings of self-loathing due to this sicko interest.

The Shaaa-zay Cafe staff is made up exclsively of dans. Lately we've been getting a lot of questions as to what, exactly, a dan is, and how you know if you are one. We have a test for determining exactly that. It's the same test we give you when you apply for a job here at the Cafe, so you know it's reliable.

1. (A member of) NSYNC likes something you like. Case in point: JC waxes lyrical about the Beatles. Which of the following best describes your reaction?
You realize that you really are soulmates and play the White Album on repeat, dreaming of JC's manly arms.
You get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and scream 'Must you ruin EVERYTHING, you fucker?' at the television. Then you get up and search through your CD collection and consign the Beatles discs to a drawer. Fucker.

2. When they wear something really weird (lace, fur, lace and fur) on national television, you:
 think it's kind of cool. They're the kind of guys who can pull that shit off.
know for a fact that they're doing it just to annoy you personally. You want to beat them with a stick.

3. Justin likes basketball. What impact does that have on your life?
 You start following the sport and buy a copy of White Men Can't Jump.
You reprogram your tv and take ESPN off. Your interest in the WNBA slowly disappears. The sport is forever tainted, as far as you're concerned. Little prick with his 'I could be in the NBA fantasies'.

4. This I Promise You:
Is a wonderful song. You feel like they're singing it to you.
Sucks ass. You burn yourself a copy of No Strings Attached without any of the lame ballads on it and label it 'Opera Arias 34' to hide it from the prying eyes of your cool housemates. You knew there was a reason you didn't like Richard Marx and his bushy hair.

5. JC and Lance:
Are really wonderful, and, after Justin, are your favorites.
Are gay. Probably together.

6. When JC speaks, you:
Sit up and take notice.
Throw stuff at the television and then have to have several stiff drinks to calm down. He's such a motherfucking retard. Crackhead.

7. Do your friends know about your NSYNC issues?
Of course.
Are you insane? I couldn't show my face if they found out. It's my secret shame.

8. You think the part in the NSA concert where Lance gives the best dancer a thousand bucks:
Is so cool. Those girls are so lucky.
Smacks vaguely of prostitution.

9. Justin:
Is the most beautiful boy alive.
Is the most annoying boy alive. And also sometimes kind of hot, but that just makes you hate him more.

10. Do you know how to spell definitely?
Nope.
Of course. Jesus. Have a little faith, people.

11. JC's songwriting talents:
Are astonishing. He's like Michael Jackson or something.
Are embarrassing, awful, and make me want to beat him. It's cruel and unusual punishment. Especially the lyrics. Fuck. Your eyes are red because you cried? Digital Getdown? Please. Please.

12. When confronted with tales of Joey's pimptastic lifestyle, you:
Know for a fact that they aren't true, because he's waiting for you.
Snicker.

13. Justin and Britney:
Make you either cry or go 'Awww! They're so cute together!'
I don't know, man. It's sort of... incestuous.

14. Chris Kirkpatrick:
Is cool and all, but also really old and not hot.
Is the least embarrassing NSYNCer.

15. Lance's eyes:
Are gorgeous.
Have we ever told you about WES (Weird Eye Syndrome)?

16. JC has a speech impediment.
You lying bitch.
True, dat.

17. You discover a site that reveals JC's family history. You:
 You soak up every detail and resolve to ask Lance about it next time you see him.
You close the site after two seconds and still feel guilty.

18. Do you own body glitter?
 Of course! Six or seven different kinds.
No! Okay. Maybe there's this little tube sitting in the medicine cabinet, minding it's own business.

19. When they hump the stage, it makes you:
 Gasp.
Gasp. And a minute later, it makes you wonder about the hypersexualization of the American teen and the role pop culture idols play in it.

20. Are you legal?
 Nope.
Leave me alone, you freak.

Congratulations! You are dan!

Ehm. didn't score so well? Study up on the correct dantastic answers and try again:




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