Yet another of
Joshua's sterling songsmith efforts, this wonderful tune can be found (if
you still want to find it after reading this review)
on The Grinch soundtrack.
I'm amazed it made the grade, frankly. Give it
up, dude! Look, isn't it enough that you're in the biggest band on the
planet? Isn't it enough that within that band, you're one of only two
guys who are allowed to sing? Isn't it enough that you out-sell everyone,
even people who rag on you? :cough:Marshall:cough:
Apparently not. Because he persists in attempting to write songs.
It's not that I don't applaud his efforts, because I do. It's just that I happen to think that his efforts should, I don't know, only be shared with his shower curtain? Because frankly, dude, they suck ASS.
And this song just tops them all. Really, it does. Do not buy it. Do not press one more cent into his grubby little hands. Instead, get yourself a Napster connection while it's still legal and download this puppy. Then listen to it once, discover that I'm right, and delete it to make room for something better. If you're in a Christmassy mood, may I suggest Ave Maria by 98 Degrees? Right on.
(Jeff, you owe me.)
It starts off innocuously enough, sounding much like any other bland boyband ballad you've ever heard. But then things begin to go all ghetto in the lyrics department. It's bad. Really. While you're waiting for it to download, let me lay JC's poetic genius out for you.
Ready?
No, really. Because it's bad. Really bad.
Are you sure? You might not be able to take him seriously after you read this.
We've seen the sparkle shirt and erection pants. You think we could still take him seriously in the first place?
Okay then.
Cue JC:
I don't know when we fell apart
The love that we had was like a work of art
I used to see heaven in your eyes
Now angels are falling from your skies
The things we said were so wrong
And I haven't held you for so long
My foolish pride turns me inside
Why did we tell those lies?
You can reach for the phone
You don't have to be alone.
And here's the chorus, which is, hands-down, the most amusing bit:
Outside the wind seems so cold
Your heart is frozen like the snow
And there's no one home
To keep you safe and warm
Your eyes are red because you cried
You fell asleep by the fireside
But there's one thing you should know
On this Christmas, baby, you don't have to be alone.
Cue Justin:
And I have only one wish on my list
For me you'd be the perfect gift
Oh yeah!
There's nothing colder than an empty home
Holidays were never meant to be alone
Smiles we gave when our hearts were saved
By each other's perfect warmth
That subsided now, happiness around (Or aroused, I can't tell because he's
mumbling)
I'd go with aroused. Joshua the porn star.
If I could only find a way to your
heart
Aaaaaah
Roll chorus again.
Throughout this chorus Justin does these massively random riffs. They're
like vocal tangets. If I sang, I'd sing like that.
He thinks he's Christina. At least he can dance and sing at
the same time.
Start here... get
interested in something across the room... move over there... decide I
need to go to buy socks RIGHT NOW... RandOM.
Justin is like the Chris of riffs. ADD anyone?
Then it morphs into a little bit of pseudo-gospel. JC howls for a while. You know that thing he does where it sounds like someone is removing a splinter from under his fingernail. They do the chorus once more. That's it.
It's pretty bad. The music is bland. Not horrible. Just bland. It's the lyrics that are ATROCIOUS. This just sucks. It just does. All of Justin's riffing cannot save it.
My favorite line is:
I used to see heaven in your eyes
Now angels are falling from your skies
because it makes me laugh. When you were fourteen, did you have a
singularly self-dramatizing friend who wrote Poetry? Poetry about random
guys she thought she was in love with even though she'd only seen them once
at an Orange Julius stand? You know you did. And you know that this is
exactly the kind of thing she would produce.
Dee's favorite line is:
Your eyes are red because you cried
And I have to admit I think we have a winner there. That's about the dumbest,
most self-evident observation you could ever hope to make. And yet he
doesn't stop there! Oh, no. He goes on to cleverly rhyme cried with
fireside. I have this horrible image of Chasez rubbing his hands and
cackling with glee when he hit on this combination. Sort of like the Grinch
up at the top of the page.
God. It's so bad I can't stand it.
Final analysis? Tut, tut, Joshua. It needs a little work. I suggest you ditch the rhyming dictionary for a start, and perhaps try to write something that actually means something, to you or anyone, as opposed to yet another bit of triteness that sounds good in elevators. I don't mean that I'm demanding deep lyrics from you. Really. Just... go a little easier on the crapola next time. Stop raiding those NSYNC Locking Diaries for song ideas. That's all I ask.
Wow, meet Lecture Spice! Sorry.
My final thoughts? Stick to songs venting your sexual frustrations, JTF. And if you're gonna write a Christmas song, for the love of God, get Justin to help you with it. If you're not going to sing the traditional fare of Silent Night or Ave Maria - plug plug - at least Merry Christmas Happy Holidays was tolerable. This crap is at "Dear Diary" level. So put those two musically inclined (suuuuure) brains together next time. Or call 1-800-RAGONME. They'll help you out.