Lance
8:30 AM
Goes to church.
9:00 AM
Sings rousing hymns.
10:15 AM
Can barely control excitement as preacher mounts pulpit.
1:15 PM
Church lets out. Is somewhat disappointed by brevity of sermon.
2:00 PM
Rushes around worriedly as mother and grandmother Bass cook in newly his
renovated kitchen, periodically reminding them that the countertops
are real Italian marble, and that one must never cook an acidic sauce in a
copper pan.
6:00 PM
With dinner over, can finally disappear to sun room and relax with
Dirk. Plays rousing game of Where's My Ferret until mother sticks head
round door and starts crying. Speech garbled, but is apparently along
lines of "you said you weren't going to do that anymore" and "where did I
go wrong?"
9:00 PM
Mother has stopped crying. Family leaves. Calls up Ricky and Gwyneth and
swaps horrible present stories.
12:00 AM
Before bed, divides gifts into three piles: keep, return, give to someone
else next year. Falls asleep with smile on face, secure in knowledge that
life is in order.
Justin
1:00 PM
Is admitted to Spears family trailer park/compound.
2:00 PM
Has finally unloaded all gifts from his car. Puts wheelbarrow back in
garden shed.
3:00 PM
Attempt to bribe sister Spears into liking him with special edition
Barbie Dreamhouse has failed.
5:00 PM
Starts to barbeque giant turkey in backyard. Brushes off proferred help from
other males.
9:30 PM
Underdone turkey is hacked into sections and thrust into microwave to
prevent salmonella poisoning before being served to hungry and cranky
family members.
11:45 PM
Is thrown off Spears family compound for doing unedited rap-only rendition
of Get Naked in front of small children.
Chris
11:30 AM
Is woken up by relatives crawling out of woodwork to wish him merry Christmas
and wondering if he has received their thoughtful fruitbasket.
12:15 PM
Has flushed phone down toilet.
1:30 PM
Emergency plumber visit has cost him six hundred dollars, but flooding has
stopped.
2:00 PM
Goes rollerblading. Mocks fellow bladers with balance issues.
4:00 PM
At local park, gets into fistfight with seven-year-old boy who refuses to
share his new Big Wheel.
5:00 PM
Orders pizza and participates in online Mariokart competition.
9:00 PM
Wins Mariokart competition. Designs Fuman summer line.
11:15 PM
Watches Office Space. Falls asleep on couch.
3:30 AM
Wakes up. Decides to build unicycle in garage.
Joey
11:30 PM December 24
Is frogmarched to midnight Mass by mother.
9:30 AM December 25
Mother wakes him up from lovely Jenna Jameson dream and frogmarches him to
Mass again. Protests that his soul is not in such bad shape that he
needs to go to church twice in one twelve-hour period are ignored.
Priest speaks on dangers of fast living. Mother glares. Spots hot girl in
third row. Mother kicks ankle.
2:00 PM
Wonders if all these people in his house are actually related to him. Takes
Advil to kill pain in cheeks from being pinched by wrinkled women.
5:00 PM
Flirts with young woman who is, luckily, only distantly related to him.
6:00 PM
Gets quick neck and grope in bathroom.
6:15 PM
Busted by mother.
10:30 PM
As mother's rage has not cooled, still washing dishes.
11:45 PM
Escapes house, heads to local strip joint. Gets lapdance.
2:45 PM
Slightly tipsy, falls asleep. Dreams of Jenna.
JC
2:30 PM
Wakes up. Visits bathroom.
2:35 PM
Goes back to sleep.
4:00 PM
Wakes up. For first time in months, feels truly well-rested. As snackish,
decides will have Christmas dinner now. Upon going to kitchen, is happy to
see this has been anticipated by the friendly people whose house he's
staying at. Warm feelings of love and fellowship only slightly marred by
not knowing exactly who the people are.
5:30 PM
After massive overeating (one slice of breast, a cranberry, and three
Brussells Sprouts), falls asleep on couch.
7:45 PM
Wakes up. Feels guilty for overeating. Decides to work out. Goes for 10K
run.
9:30 PM
Refreshed, sits down at piano for some serious songwriting about joys
of season, peace on earth, etcetera.
10:30 PM
Has finished brilliant love song sure to win him Grammy. Best line is
"Girl, you are so fine, almost as fine as a glass of really expensive
wine." Satisfied with achievement, goes to bed.