WD's comments in blue.I just realized that I don't actually like much of NSYNC's music. Most their ballads, I actively dislike. I like the poppy stuff. I bounce around to it. It's all good. But the ballads are bland and boring. They are the Wonderbread of the music world.
And isn't it just the way? Their Christmas album, Home For Christmas, is full of ballads. Chock-a-block full. Eh.
But I listened to it anyway. And this is what I think.
And WD will just add her two cents here and there. Did you all see "Mr Holland's Opus"? You know how he says that when he first listened to that Coltrane album, he hated it? But then when he kept listening to it, it made sense, and he fell in love with it? Okay, the CD doesn't make sense, especially Spazzboy crooning about his grandmama, and even remotely comparing them to Coltrane is blasphemy, but...go with me here. I like the CD. Hate to admit it, but I like it.
However, I must first comment on the CD booklet.
You open it up, and are blown away by the pictures. Justin in a "I'm gonna get you, fucking Nikon" pose. Chris looking laughable with his braids, in a "Who me?" pose. JC pointing at the camera. Joey crouching and looking...damn. And Lance, leaning into the camera. God, looks like someone read the Idiot's Guide here! But then you go back, and you read the thank you's. Okay, fine, you read JC's thank you's. Everyone else takes up about a half a block. They thank Lou, and Johnny, and mention things about God and the holidays. Justin uses the word "phat". Blah. Whatever. Not JC. NO! He takes up his entire block. When we discovered this, my friend Helen once looked through the booklet to see how many times God or Jesus is mentioned. It's around 8 or 9 times. Four of those mentions are JC's. Now, people, people, don't get me wrong here! There is nothing wrong with that. If that's your thing, you go to it.
But JC...he doesn't just mention that it's the Savior's birth and people would feel all warm and fuzzy or whatever. It's a fucking sermon.
"The spirit of Christmas has always been one of giving. Therefore, I would like to refelct on why albums like this come along. It is about the joy that music spreads at this time of year. The birth of Christ has created a fellowship among all types of peope. Though not everyone is Christian..."
Okay. I can't go on. My fingers are starting to hurt. But do you get the picture? Sometimes he's just so self righteous I want to smack him. But enough of that. On to the songs.
1. Home For Christmas
Don't get too excited. This is not in fact the real Home For
Christmas, the one that goes "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my
dreams", the one that is wistful and sad and beautiful and makes you cry even
if you are home for Christmas, just because you're thinking of all the
poor people who aren't.
But for that, you have to look no further than "You Don't Have to Be Alone"! See, JC looks out for your needs here, girlo.
No. This is a knock-off version. I don't know who wrote it, but they should be taken out back and made to shuck corn. Because it sucks. It's a ballad to suburban triteness. It's awful. It has the worst lyrics, rife with "children playing in the snow" and "teach us the real meaning of Christmas".
How can you forget "Sending out a wire"? I mean really. It's 2001. Even in '98 people weren't sending out wire's. Please.
It's bad.
I like Justin bragging about his window view. Well GOD, J, what about those people who don't have the window view of the ocean? Because your big fro is in the way, they have to reminisce while staring at the large man with a bald spot in the shape of Kenya in front of them while you stare at fluffy white clouds. Spoiled bitch.
But the thing is cheese, pure and simple, especially with the overblown riffing in the beginning. What are they, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? And what is with Lance's booming bass sticking out at during one of their "I'll be home for Christmas"'s? You hear his "-mas" over everything. It's distracting. I want him to come and sing Barry White songs for me.
See, you have the strength to skip it. Me, I hear the damn thing on the Best Buy Radio Network and buy the god damn CD. I'm weak.
2. Under My Tree
This is okay. Justin is in good voice. I think Chris gets to sing. I
love
the chorus. It reminds me of something but I can't put my finger
on what. I like this tune, on the whole.
It's not overproduced as much as the rest of the songs.
Eh, it's okay. Justin's mention of "two become one" makes me have Spice Girls flashes, but well...what can you do? But JC, and the way he talks about "Nat King Cole, singing us a song from his heart"? Please. The way he sings "heart" just screams flamer. But that's about it.
Even if you hate NSYNC, you sort of have to like this. It's got great close harmonies and... it's cute. A seasonal feel-good tune.
3. I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas
Ick. This starts off all wrong. With synthetic strings, synthetic tinkles,
just synthetic synthetic.
The fa-la-la's threw me off. No need. None. They serve the "Let's show off that they can sing" purpose, and that's it. They just try to fool us by making it seasonal. Then Justin starts to sing. And it miraculously improves. The overproduction is toned down. It sounds like oldschool acoustic Babyface. It's pretty good.
Then the chorus kicks in. As do the strings, the tinkles, the bells. Yawn.
Cue JC's part. JC's voice is less well-suited to this song than Justin's. Justin's voice has soul here. Smooth, effortless soul. JC's voice sounds forced. And then we get the chorus again. It's just awful.
You're right. And I'm the person who ALWAYS loves JC's voice. But you're right. Damn you.
On the whole, I hate about two-thirds of this song. But Justin owns his verse, I have to admit that.
4. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
This is okay. I like it. Although one wonders... the first line is "We've
been waiting all year for this night, when the snow is glistening on the
trees outside."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this written by JC and Justin? What would they know about snow? Justin's from Tennessee. JC's been in Orlando forever.
I can get past that, though. I like it alot. There's a great line in the chorus. In fact, it's such a great line that I can't believe that either of them wrote it. "And with the blessings from above/God sends you his love /And everything's okay/Merry Christmas, happy holidays".
As a religiously confused individual, I respond well to that line. But even if you're a hardcore atheist, the song is just sweet. It's beautifully sung, too. There's another gospel breakdown, so of course I'm happy.
I can't believe it. I have practically nothing mean to say.
Somewhere on this site, I called this one of my least favorite NSYNC songs. That was an utter, complete, blatant lie. Because this stupid song, damn it, was one of the few things, besides Sailing, that I liked of NSYNC before I was a fan and I was still in my "I hate all boybands!" phase. I borrowed the CD from a friend, and played this song on repeat. So there you go, okay? I love this song. It's fun. I do hate the video. Seeing them on sleighs gives me this scary New Kids On The Block "Funky Christmas" vibe. Scary. Extremely scary.
5. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
I've always liked this song for it's cheesy fifties quality. And this
arrangement stays close to it's roots. It's pretty good. Only slightly
overproduced. And JC is in fine voice. If he ever fails as a genius
songwriter he can always become a lounge singer.
Although who inflicts that HYPER cheese "Merry Christmas" at the end on us? Lance? Is that your fault? Don't do that.
*Hangs head in shame* No, that's...JC. You don't recognize the speech impediment? I don't know what he was thinking. But the way he says it, you can tell he knows it's hyper cheesy too. Poor kid. But that doesn't mean I forgive him.
6. I Guess It's Christmas
Yet another expression of overproduction. I don't get it. These boys can
sing, and sing well. Why do they cover their voices up with all those cheesy
synthetics?
Yes, but under those synthetics, Chris gets to sing! Although buried, I must rejoice.
However, JC's line about "all join hands" ticks me off. It's so...Hands Across America. You all remember that? I actually took part in it, in downtown Cleveland. But wasn't there some cheesy charity song for it? I think I remember seeing it on Pop-Up Video. Anyway.
It might be okay if they left all the strings and drum machine beats off. I can't tell. This song doesn't annoy me if it's playing in the background, but I would be unable to sit down and listen to it.
Although I have to concede that there are one or two incredible harmonies, ("Grand deSIIIIIIIIIIGN") the kind that give you goosebumps.
All in all, however, as cheesy and bland as Velveeta.
7. All I Want Is You This Christmas
For some reason, this sounds like oldschool Celine Dion to me.
I know that makes no sense, but I can't explain it any better. It
doesn't suck too horribly. Although the random porny sax in the background
annoys me.
Nice harmonies.
Overproduced.
Are you detecting a pattern?
I like this song. But I listen and think "Who the hell let Kenny G and Dave Koz into the studio?" But Chris sings again. So does Joe. WD rejoices. And I live for the part where JC sings "here with you" during Chris' part. If there's one thing I like, it's JC/Chris harmony.
8. The First Noel
Have you ever rung someone's doorbell and instead of a normal "ding dong" you
get an entire crappy tune that sounds like someone's playing it on a
xylophone?
Hellloooo, NSYNC.
I like this song. And they screwed it up. I don't understand how they could do such wonderful things with Oh Holy Night (more on that later) and still managed to fuck this up. They tried to poppify it. It's a Burt Bacharach song, now. And their voices are lost in the overwhelming synthetic cacaphony.
They've pissed me off, now. They ruined it. Ruined it, I tell you.
Skip this one, if you know what's good for you.
WD keeps her mouth shut...I...oh...I like it. Okay. There. I admitted it. JC sings. A lot. And I think, for the most part, he sounds good. I want to take him caroling. God, and you call it Burt Bacharach...I'm horrified at myself now.
9. In Love on Christmas
Wow. Okay, WD and I have some issues with this song, particularly with JC's
very last line, but all in due time. WD thinks it sounds like a Ginuwine song,
and she's right. They've tried to make it all hot and sexy and... ewwww. That's
gross. The way JC sings about sitting in front of the tree exchanging love makes
you start to think porn thoughts. Unpleasant porn thoughts.
What is it with our boys and doing stuff under the tree? I don't get it. The only thing you can find me doing under our tree is trying to pry our cats out from under it and snatching gifts out. But I'm 5'11". No way I'm gonna be rolling around under some tree with the turtleneck freaks. Their attempt to make me think porny thoughts fails miserably, compounded with the "Pony" undercurrents. Please people. Stop it with the "bow-chick-a-bow-bow" stuff. And what's with the "Jingle Bells" at the beginning? They love to fool us into thinking they're going to sing a good clean Christmas song.
But it's not all horrible. The "under the mistletoe" harmony is fabulous. As is the whole "yes it's Chrismastime again" breakdown. I love to hear JC sing out when I can't see him make the "I'm straining my voice so I need to make a horrid face" face. But that's it.
Whatever. Do yourself a favor, skip to the end so you can hear JC break it down.
This is what he says, after a lot of "Whooo ooooh, yeah!" and stuff:
"With my grandmomma and my granddaddy,
and maaaaaay mommy and maaaaay daddy,
I'm with you on Christmaaaas."
It's just... strange. I don't know what to say. They breed 'em strange in Maryland. Real strange.
Once again, shame on WD's end of the line here. I wonder how he sang that with a straight face? I remember the first time I realized what he said, and I told KD in horror. What were they THINKING?
10. It's Christmas
I'm given to understand that Joey sings the first line. He doesn't sound
as masculine as you'd think he would.
Then Justin sings a line. Then Chris sings a verse.
And you realize that Joey's voice is just dripping testosterone.
This is slow and cheesy and synthetic and overproduced. You know how the FBI will play bad music over loudspeakers 24/7 if you are, say, holed up in your compound in Waco? In hopes that you'll come running out, screaming "No more! I beg of you! No more!"? Right, well, they could play this. They actually do play Britney Spears. It's true. I don't know about NSYNC, but I know that when the military was dealing with that little embassy problem in... was it Peru? a few years ago, they played BSB non-stop. I love factoids like that. Makes life worth living.
May God save us all. I don't like it. Even with Joey getting a chance to sing, I hate it. JC is mostly missing in this ditty. Smart boy. I wouldn't want to be involved in a song where they have Porny!Lancevoice saying "And I wish you such a nice Christmas..." Please Lance. "Merry Christmas to the world?" You're only speaking to the lovelorn horny 13 year olds with that. Older fans are just laughing.
And what's up with Chris' turn as Maurice Gibb? Please boy. You're up into another level that's almost out of anyone's hearing range.
11. Oh Holy Night
This song is so good it makes listening to the rest of the crap worth it.
I can't begin to describe it. And of course it proves my point about letting
their voices stand alone, not that I'm obsessive about being right or
anything.
It's beautiful. That doesn't really cover it, but I can't think of another word.
Oh, my goodness! Does that count as gushing? I hope not. It's just good. It's so good that when people give them shit about being a talentless boyband, they should pull out a copy of this song. You can rag on them all you like, but if you're honest, you'll have to admit that this song is good art. Perhaps even great art.
Gushing? Perhaps. But...listen to it. They just...wow. Beautiful harmonies. Absolutely gorgous. This is their "kick you in the face, we do have talent" song.
Which, perversely, just serves to make me more annoyed with them for putting so much crap on this album. They could have done more songs like this. But noooooo.
12. Love's in Our Hearts on Christmas Day
Nearly approaches Holy Night on the goodness scale.
Well- not quite. But it's good. Justin has more White Soul moments than
you can shake a stick at. (I'm not being sarcastic, either- boy owns
his riffs here.), and as I've said oh, about a dozen times
so far, NSYNC's voices stripped down are much better than when muffled with
cheesy crapola. Not that this song
doesn't have it's share of computer-generated violins, but it's not so
annoying here.
I love it. It's sad, it's wistful, and once when I was in a mood, I had it on repeat for a few hours as I drove home. As I said before, JC/Chris harmonies are my thing, and I just can't get enough of their part "We are both wishing them to fly." Beautiful.
Moderately big up, boys.
Points off only for the line "snowflake melts in your eye/turns to a tear/but your cheek it stays dry/with your warm smile so near." Cheese, boys. But then they go into a one of those tingly harmonies (We're gonna make IIIIIITTTTT) and I forgive them. But just for this one song. That's it.
13. The Only Gift
But of course it couldn't last. This isn't horrible; although I wonder
what I'd think of it if it were at the beginning of the album as opposed
to the end. By this point, of course, I've gotten used to their crap.
Lance gets a line. I had, literally, no idea that he has such a low voice. I knew he sung the bass line, but that had never clicked in my head. He's so low he almost fades out of the range I can hear. Have y'all ever seen one of those documentaries on elephants? How the bulls trumpet these mating calls that are so low in frequency that they carry forever? That's what this reminds me of. Like two hours after I play it, some chick in Malaysia pricks up her ears.
Lance gets a line, and I can only shake my head. There was NO need for that much bass in a song, and it sounds out of place.
And here we go again, with people making out near/next to/under a tree. What is UP here, songwriters? I must giggle, however, at the use of "Bye Bye Bye" here.
14. Kiss Me at Midnight
Eh. Not awful, not great. But it's uptempo and it's about New Year's, so at
least it has the saving grace of originality.
On the downside, it's pretty Euro. And someone needs to shoot the guy who kept adding bells. "More bells! We need more bells! Bells will make this a great song! Bells- that's what we need!"
It's fun. Not something I'd play at my New Year's parties, but hey, it's fun. Someone (Joey perhaps?) throws out a Britney Spears "Whoo!" at the beginning, and you know you're in for some "I Need Love" flashbacks.
And speaking of the "Whoo!", I've always wondered how people can do this. If I was in a studio, surrounded by ten million people, and they wanted me to "Whoo!", I couldn't do it. I get all embarassed when people ask me to do things on cue. But really, how can you just come up with this excited "Whoo!" out of mid-air. This goes for all speaking parts in songs. Do you think Lance busts up laughing after he says something like "There is no me without you." Or your in a studio with Puffy. And he's like "Okay, I need to you coo 'He loves me' and you need to be all breathy and sexy. Who cares if you're 15. Just do it!"
Yeah. Anyway. Back to the song.
But really, it's not that bad, and I actually like it...a bit. The song came on as I was shopping with a friend at the mall the other night, and I had to bite my cheek to not sing along. There's "sing out" JC in it. I am almost predisposed to like it.
So that's my review. It's not a horrible album. But... yeah. It's like MediocreSync, I guess.
I said it before, it grows on you. It really does. This may be the one NSYNC CD that I might still keep around when I'm 30. Maybe. Probably not. But at least it's the thought that counts, right?