The Idiot's Guide to Being a Boyband Photographer

So you've just been hired by a magazine that needs pictures of teen dream sensations NSYNC? Do you think you'd be great at capturing fake smiles and bad outfits for all of eternity, but just aren't quite sure how to do it?

Well, we're here to help you along your way.

First off, being a boyband photographer requires no real training. Not everyone can be Herb Ritts - just look at our man with a camera, Steve-o! Haven't graduated from art school? Or even made it through college at all? Who cares! Neither has anyone in NSYNC, BSB, 98 Degrees, and certainly none of the members of all those other boybands that don't matter enough to have their photograph taken by you! All you need is an idea, and we can help you with the rest.

Here's what you need to do:

PREPARE
First, gather up your materials. We suggest:

  • a camera (professional quality works best, but you can try your hand with Polaroids and disposable Kodaks in the beginning if you wish)
  • a wind machine
  • nonsensical props**
  • terrible outfits
  • any music that you will find inspirational. We reccommend "Photograph" by Def Leopard or "Girls on Film" by Duran Duran. (It has been reported that "Girls on Film" is a favorite of Joey Fatone to inspire him during shoots; he flashes back to the uncensored video and smiles.)

    **Optional materials and examples of nonsensical props may include, but are not limited to:

  • animals
  • microphones
  • a golfcart
  • Christmas lights
  • water
  • body grease
  • flour
  • gold paint
  • young children
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Darren Henson
  • Gloria Estefan
  • Britney Spears
  • Innosense
  • Wild Orchid
  • Meredith Edwards
  • Ron Izzirarryhairylarry
  • Steve Fatone
  • Busta

    Next, find a location for your shoot. If a nice locale is not available, you can always shoot NSYNC in the front yard of one of their homes (see right). However, we have many easy to procure locations that have been proved successful in the past:

  • Disney World
  • fountains
  • lake/pool/stream/creek
  • park
  • on a skyscraper
  • in front of sportscars
  • a rock
  • one of those "Old Tyme Photo Galleries" at an amusement park
  • bowling alley
  • boxing ring
  • in a car
  • bed (be careful not to get them all in the bed at the same time, though. It can lead to ugly scenes and fan mayhem. Corollary: don't put Lance and JC in the bed together. Or be prepared to take a fifteen-minute break.)
  • amusement park
  • closet
  • anywhere with trees
  • anywhere with benches
  • streetcorner
  • any color backdrop. The most popular colors include green, black, white, and red.

    If you are shooting individual shots of the NSYNCers, we suggest these colors for making them look their best:
    Justin: red, white or black
    Chris: red, white or black
    Joey: red, white or black
    Lance: red, white or black
    JC: red, white or black

    DRESSING THE GUYS
    The members of NSYNC all have their own sense of personal style, but of course the best shots are of them in matching outfits. Some examples include:

  • basketball or football jerseys*
  • leather jackets (preferably black or camel)
  • suits (preferably white)
  • button down shirts and khakis*
  • turtleneck sweaters*
  • sleeveless shirts (especially if JC is involved)*
  • spacesuits
  • white shirts with their appropriate NSYNC letter on them

    You may also photograph NSYNC in certain brands. This is good because then you can get kickbacks from them. These include:

  • Fila
  • Adidas
  • Fubu
  • Nike
  • Abercrombie and Fitch
  • Luckyville
    Items marked with a star indicate the Color-Coded System (TM). When NSYNC wears these matching outfits, it is mandatory that they each wear their own "color." We've included a handy color chart for each of them.
    Justin: blue (preferably baby)
    Chris, Joey, Lance, JC: yellow, red, purple, green, orange, or any other color.

    There are some ways to change up the Color-Coded System (TM), like having them wear matching pants with different tops (which all must compliment each other). Or, if you would really like to get creative, they can wear different tops, and three of them can wear pants in one color, and the other two can wear pants in another color. We know it sounds confusing, but you can do it! Just make sure you don't let Joey get involved, or they'll end up looking like the next documentary for "Pimps Up, Ho's Down."

    **VERY IMPORTANT - Want to guarantee your picture a spot on someone's wall? Shoot them in wifebeaters or without shirts! This is especially helpful if you do not have a large budget.**

    For the holiday's, spice things up a bit in your shoot. For Halloween, drag out old costumes and have a ball! For Christmas, have them in Santa jackets or hats. JC looks especially good in a goggle/Santa hat combination. Tinsel is also a good prop: it can be wound around necks, or arranged jauntily behind ears. (Remember - The jaunty bit only applies to Lance.)

    Other items that members of NSYNC should be photographed in to make your shoot successful include:

  • sunglasses (preferably aviators)
  • hats (funny, baseball, cowboy, or wool)
  • "funny" shirts (NSUCK, Boybands Suck, Spear Britney)

    Having trouble with individual shots? These outfits are always right on the money.
    Justin: UNC gear, a tan leather jacket
    Chris: anything FuMan Skeeto
    Joey: anything Superman
    Lance: black leather, anything out of Ricky Martin's closet
    JC: sleeveless shirts

    RULES AND GUIDELINES
    Use this helpful tips to ensure that your pictures will be ripped off by every NSYNC site known to man. Obviously, you don't want to use all 45 rules and guidelines in each shot. That'd be weird. And very difficult.

    1. Someone/all of them are pointing at the camera.
    2. Someone is making a hand gesture (thumbs up, peace sign, throwing out a gang sign- LA, Blood, Westside, etc).
    *These two tips can be used together. Use your own discretion.

    3. They are regarding the camera angrily. Crossed arms are also good, especially on JC.
    4. Lance should be standing next to JC.
    5. One of the guys is touching another.
    * Someone must be touching Lance at all times.
    6. A candid shot where the guys are pretending they don't know the camera is there, or are goofing around.
    7. They all have their mouth open, and they look like they are going to eat the viewer.
    ** See POST PRODUCTION
    8. JC and/or Chris is doing something acrobatic.
    9. One or more are sitting/kneeling while the rest are standing.
    * Usually this is done with Joey and Chris.
    10. Someone, preferably JC, has his arms out in a "Who, Me?" pose.
    11. One of them looks like they are going to attack the camera.
    12. If it is a shirtless pic, their arms are crossed. This is used to make them look like they have manly pecs.
    13. One of them is leaning on someone/thing.
    14. The camera is down below and they are all looking down on it.
    15. If they are wearing hats, especially funny ones, someone should point at it. This also goes for funny shirts.
    16. Someone is leaning in at the camera making a face while the rest simply smile.
    17. There is a toungue sticking out.
    18. They have their arms outstretched at the camera.
    19. Justin or Joey are showing off their necklace.
    20. Someone is leaning over with their hands on their knees while everyone else is upright.
    21. They are jumping.
    22. If they are standing, Joey is in the middle.
    * Now that Justin is more popular, he should be in the middle.
    23. If they are shirtless, Chris and Lance should be in the back.
    24. They are all piled on top of each other.
    25. Someone is kicking the camera. Remember to point out that they should not actually connect with your Nikon F90, however.
    26. They are climbing, for instance on a piece of playground equipment. Or on a radiator.
    27. There is a flag. For even more patriotic fun, have them wrap themselves in it.
    28. Someone/all of them are laughing. Bring a tape of an Adam Sandler gig to help you here.
    29. They are sitting in chairs.
    * Preferably director's chairs.
    30. They are holding flowers. Be careful, this can all too easily deteriorate into Flamy Cheese.
    31. They are all laying on the ground.
    * The grass must be visible.
    32. JC's head is turned at an unnatural angle.
    33. Someone is holding their hand out and looking frightened, like the camera is going to attack them.
    34. They are posed in front of a brightly colored NSYNC graphic.
    35. There are clouds in the background.
    36. Two are standing back to back.
    37. If they are standing in front of a plane or car, arms must be outstretched as if they own it and are showing it off.
    38. If they are posing with a female (Ananda, Britney, Gloria, etc), they should pick her up so she is laying across their arms.
    39. Lance is touching his face.
    40. One person is seperated from the group slightly.
    41. They are all in a tight bunch.
    42. One person is looking directly at the camera while the others look at each other.
    43. If the shot is in black and white, they must be serious.
    44. If they are with another celebrity, the other celebrity must be in the middle.
    * Preferably, Lance should be standing next to the celeb.
    45. When taking a photograph with a fan, all NSYNCers must lean inward and get their heads really close together in the manner of sorority girls. The fan should like like she's about to vomit with joy.

    THE PHOTO SHOOT
    You are ready to begin! With all these rules and guidelines fresh in your mind, you are prepped and primed to take your first picture of America's darlings!

    Pick up your camera and just beging snapping away. Make sure to mutter encouraging things. We like these phrases for emoting different looks.

    Anger
    "C'mon guys, give it to me! The Backstreet Boys are standing in front of you, waving a Grammy that they won and waving money that fans spent on them instead of you!"

    Fear
    "Here comes Lou Pearlman! He's looking to take all the money you're gonna make on your new tour!"

    Sexiness
    "Make love to the camera, guys! Imagine Britney Spears in front of you right now, wearing a bikini made entirely out of money!"
    (If Lance is involved in the shoot, you may have to mention Ricky Martin to evoke this sort of look from him.)

    Happiness
    "Now I need all of you to imagine the amount of money you made on your last tour!"
    (If a large smile is needed, throw in a mention of their merchandise also)

    Mix these up to get different looks out of all the guys! It's fun.

    If you get stuck, don't worry! These guys are pros. They've had thousands of pictures taken. They're always willing to help you out.

    POST PRODUCTION
    After the shoot is finished, you must develop the photos and take them in for post-production "tweaking," as Jive puts it. There are rules that must be followed up to Jive's standards before your shots can be published.

    1. JC's teeth must be whitened to Lance's natural shade. Also, the gap between his two front teeth must be removed.

    Actually, this is the only rule. However, if it is not followed, Jive may come down on your sorry ass with a multi-million dollar lawsuit.

    ALL FINISHED!
    You've done it! Your photographs are ready to grace the pages of every teenybopper magazine that is out on the market today! What a thrill, to know that you got here all on your own, without those stupid thousands and thousands of hours of photography courses and a degree from NYU the "professionals" claimed you needed. You worked hard, and wasn't it all worth it, to capture five smiling faces wearing red leather and aviators for all of eternity?

    We think so.




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