Short People
KD's Jeff obsession

Raaaaooooorrrrr I know he's generic, and short. And Dee thinks he looks like a Chippendale. And, okay, he does. She's right on all counts. Also, he can't really sing. He kind of sighs breathily and hopes no one notices the difference.

But there's just something about a really hot guy that makes you forget all those things. For some reason I even find myself forgiving his waxed chest.

And the fact that he's 5" 8'. Yeah. Sure you are, Jeffrey. Here's how I see it: if a guy's famous and in a position to make money off of infatuated women, it's a good thing for him to be tall. I mean, it's always a good thing for a man to be tall, but most men don't stake a career on it.

Oh, boy. Hold me back. So since it's important for men like Jeff to be tall, and he's claiming he's 5" 8', which is SHORT, he's probably about 5" 3'. Because if he were really five-eight, he'd be telling us he's six-two. You know I'm right.

Which begs all kinds of questions. Is Justin actually tall? Maybe he's about five-ten and the other guys are all midgets. I bet JC isn't five-ten. He's probably five-eight. I'm sure we could figure this out by showing a picture of him to some math genius, but I'm not that interested. My point is that boyband members are always short. They are. Don't deny it. You know I'm right.

  • NSYNC- Short. Except for Justin. But I'll be getting to that in a minute.
  • 98 Degrees- Short. Except for Nick. I can't explain that except for my supplementary hypothesis that Nick is on HGH. Have you seen his pecs? No way is that shit down to good genes and long hours in the gym. Hormones, people, hormones!
  • Backstreet Dudes- Short-ASS. Except for Unibrow Guy but he doesn't count. Don't ask me why, he just doesn't.
  • Five- Short. They look normal, but they're short. And there isn't even a Tall One!

    Okay, believe me now? They're all short. And why is that?

    I don't know. Maybe it's like if you're short you feel you have to make up for something. You try harder. Maybe your record company gives you lots of coffee and cigarettes to stunt your growth because then you'll be cheaper to feed. And they can save money on costumes. I don't know.

    Back to Justin. Justin was just entering puberty when he entered upon his life of glitz and glamor. Do you think that if they had known then that Justin was going to be tall they'd have let him in? Because now he shows them up as the undersized midgets they really are.

    I know the tat is cheesy. But... Come on now! Does it really matter why all boyband members are so short? No. Because luckily you will never find yourself standing next to one, wishing you weren't wearing platforms. And because Jeff is still hot. Even with the waxed chest. Even with the cheesy tat on his arm. I think that this is the closest I'll ever come to the way men look at women. I don't think about him. Ever. But when 98 Degrees comes Una Noche-ing their way past on MTV, I get this lame rapt expression and everyone needs to shut up until it's over.

    Jeff, by the way, I'm sorry I'm objectifying you. I really am. But... I can't help it. And if you ever have the time to clue us in on the deal with short singers, please. Thanks.

    And, uh, stop waxing.











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