Hell, even NSYNC does it. I wonder what JC just read about himself. He looks really down about something. "Dammit! I'm still not the one they lust after the most! Fuck that Timberlake bitch!"

It was only once, thank you very much. And only because it was cold and I was bored and I had three hours to kill and nothing to read.

And, okay, also because they were on the cover. Motherfuckers.

Buying teenie mags. God, they're evil. You're in line, checking out, and then you walk past. Spot them on the cover. And it all happens in slo-mo. To your horror, you see your hand darting out and somehow, the magazine ends up in your hands, and you're flipping through it. Sure, you really want to pick up Cosmo and get some Kama Sutra tips, but first you want to read all about 98 Degrees and what they look for in a woman.

We all have our favorites. I have a penchant for Entertainteen and j-14. And sometimes they're entertaining. Take the cool Brit mags that KD gets to pick up. They're irreverent and fun.

One cool Brit mag. One fucking mag. ONE!

But over here, we have things like Bop.

Dude. Bop story. Once when I was like thirteen or fourteen, some well-meaning relative sent me a copy. I remember only that it had a section on accessorizing. And one of their "tips" was to "Wear jewelry that has museum pictures on it. People will think you're worldly".

And if you don't understand how weird that is, we could never be friends. That's all I'm saying.

Bop and *shudder* M, which I unfortunately bought one day for a dollar. Never again. Never. But, it did lead me to write this.

I wonder what it takes to write for a teenie mag. Apparantly not that much, because sometimes they showcase the most god-awful journalistic skills I've ever seen, this side of Matt Rousch.

I wonder if they have like a test you have to take before they hire you. They show you a picture of Justin and give you five minutes to cobble something together. And if you use a four-syllable word anywhere in your story, or if you mention his whiteboyz 'tude, or if you fail to use the phrase "curly-haired heartthrob", they say bye bye bye bye.

And, of course, most have been Story Writer approved. Who is the story writer, you ask? The story writer is the one who comes up with the same patter stories we hear all the time. The Lava Lamp Story. The Bracelet Story. Rest assured, every funny story that the guys talk about has been invented by the SW. We hate him. But we'd like his job.

Hell, yeah. I'd get paid to do what I do for free right now. And my stories would be more interesting. You know I'd make Justin have one about the time his Benz broke down in Compton and he feared for his life. And then, because they are NSYNC and lame, I'd let him morph that tale of woe into a heartfelt indictment of racism in America. Fuck. I'd kick ass.

But at least they're entertaining. So check your writing skills at the door, and come check out the funniest things we've ever read - besides some select badfic. As usual, find my comments in yellow, and KD will be in Justin's color.

From the Febuary 2001 M, the magazine that claims to be "The magazine that gets you closer to the stars." Sure.

Get Closer To The Stars (pg.56)- Do you obsess about the stars like we do? Or, wish you could talk to them every day? M gets you tight with them!

I can't believe they actually said "obsess". Well... recognizing you have a problem is the first step, I suppose.

How To Make A Sign Justin Will Love!

1. Paint your sign blue: Justin loves blue. Just look at the shirt he's wearing in this photo. (He's in a blue shirt, huge fro, and the diamond studs.) Be the first one in the crowd to grab his attention by waving a navy or baby blue sign.

Nice to know we can chose our own shade of blue. And why is he wearing those huge earrings? It's not manly.
Dear god. A blue sign. Justin just won't be able to help himself. I wonder if the color of my comments turns him on. Ew.

2. Surprise him: Justin's middle name is Randall, but he doesn't think many fans know it. If you write "HI JUSTIN RANDALL TIMBERLAKE!" on your poster, you're guaranteed to see him smile. Plus, if you see him in January, write "Happy Birthday!" on your sign.

WTF?!? I think everyone who is at that concert knows every SYNCers full name, plus the names of the band AND security. Everyone knew Lonnie, I know that. And of course Justin will see your sign - all the way back in section ZZZ...he has really good vision, because he's a popstar. They're like that.
Eagle-like vision, great throwing arms... fuckers. And also, I bet you'd catch his attention faster if you wrote HI JUSTIN RETARD TIMBERLAKE or possibly JUSTIN? YOU CAN'T JUMP. He might leap down into the crowd and abuse you. Which you'd love, 'cause you're obsessed.

3. Hold up Michael Jordan: Justin fans know how much he loves basketball. In fact, if he wasn't singing, he'd like to be a star player in the NBA. Michael Jordan is his hero so if you cut and paste a pic of Mike, Justin will spot your first.

First? Well, not if the "Randall" poster girl beats you to it. Justy, honey, even Master P didn't make the NBA. Keep dreaming, whiteboy. And why couldn't he have a less generic hero, like Latrell Spreewell.
He'd like to be a star player, huh? Well I'd like to be a millionaire by birth but you know. And that'd have to be a bigass pic of Mike. I think what you need is a baby blue sign that reads "JUSTIN? YOU AIN'T GOT NO GAME!" because then you're getting color and the sport all in one go. Bonus points for speaking his language.

4. Remember his nickname: Justin goes by several nicknames, like Baby Curly, Shot, Bounce, and J. Warm him up by using one of his cute nicknames on your sign.

All nicknames have been Story Writer approved for maximum "cutesey" appeal. But don't you think he'd wanna kick some ass every time someone called him "Baby"?
Sickening. Sickening, I tell you. Why don't they give us his real nicknames? Arrogant Bastard, Motherfucker, You'reUglyAnyway. That's what people call him. Not Baby. And yes, I'd beat people up. In fact, I already do. But then I'm uptight like that. Don't. Call. Me. Baby.

5. Show him you're an artist: Justin loves creative fans. He's flattered (or scared out of his mind, same diff) when fans give hima sketch or painting. It shows you put the extra time in to make something special. Whether you like to draw flowers or faces, decorate your sign with art!

Flattered? Try scared out of his mind.
... Shoot them. Shoot them. Put them out of their misery. That is just maximum cheese.

6. Smile: You could be holding the biggest, brightest sign on the planet, but if Justin sees that the fan holding the sign isn't showing a happy, smiling face....

Are you ready for this?
... :yes:

He'll feel sad.

SAD?!!? He's making millions of dollars. He doesn't care who has signs for him, as long as he's getting his bills from each one of those girls. Christ! He's not sad. He's elated.
a;sldkfjl;asdkfsdlfkjas;ldkfjsdf!! MotherFUCK! Fuckity fuck fuck fuck a duck. We all know that what would really work is lifting up your shirt and flashing him quickly. Aside- I wonder if that ever happens at NSYNC shows. It'd be hella funny. I bet Lance just stares. "So that's what they look like. Huh."

They also include a patented SW Story for us

You Won't Believe It...(pg 65)

Fans know that Joey loves to joke with his NSYNC bandmates. But, did you ever hear what Joey did to Lance when he was sleeping? You'll be shocked!

AHAHAHA! We all KNOW what he did.
...This better not be a fellatio thing.

While Lance was taking a much needed nap in his dressing room, Joey thought up a prank. Without waking him up, Joey put whipped cream and Beanie Babies all over Lance's head! Then he took pictures. All Lance will say about the incident is "I got him back!"

I can see Joey pondering this for like two hours. And WHY did he have whipped cream? Oh, it's Joey. I bet it's one of his dressing room demands. Wanna bet that the beanie babies were from Lance's personal collection he hauls everywhere?
Who carries around whipped cream and beanie babies? That's stupidASS. And it was just a lover's quarrel, anyway.
I'll be he got him back. That's such a SW story.

From the January/Febuary issue of Backstage Pass

What The Stars Are Saying About You (pg.75) - There's one thing that connects all performers - and that's the love they have for their fans. Whether you're screaming for them at a live show, or doing something whacky to get their attention - the love and devotion of a musician's fans are of utmost importance to them.

Dude, they don't care. Really. As long as you're bringing them in the money, and the occasional Ricky Martin offering for Lance, they don't care. Really.

Here's what we have caught your favorite celebrities saying about you in recent interviews.

What do you think of the humor web sites fans have made for you?
Chris: I think they're cool. I actual have checked out - a lot of the girls say stuff like, they put disclaimers on the front of the web site sayingm "If you don't have a sense of humor, don't come here." They're just out to have fun, and I think it's their way of showing their commitment and determination to us ny saying they're tired of seeing all the websites that say "Oh, JC is so hot! Oh, Lance is so hot!" They basically want to use their talents and abilities of being witty and put them on a site and make it like really interesting for people who have a good sense of humor. I love them. I think they're great.

Whatever dude. Whatever. I'm sad that Chris doesn't understand that we're just hating on him, not supporting him. He of all people should get that.
Chris just likes humor sites because there are no "Oh, Chris is so hot!" sites out there. Dude, we just like to make fun. Get over it.