Okay. Here's the deal. I can imagine (if only when I've been drinking) that you need some NSYNC merchandise. Okay. I can deal with that concept.

Wait. No, actually, I can't. A poster. A as in one. I can imagine that. I have a 'Dogma' poster. Okay. I can deal. But what I can't handle is the fact that you can buy all this other crap. I was shopping for my Halloween costume on Yahoo (I can't decide if I want to be a ho with a huge fro or Dorothy… Yeah, it's cool to walk in on the arm of your pimp and to spend the whole night saying 'Baby, I got ya money!', but on the other hand there's no place like home. Decisions!) when I noticed that NSYNC has a whole section to itself.

I'm a sucker. I admit it. I double-clicked. And now I'm all worried about the state of today's youth. I said I could imagine a poster. And I suppose there is a mindset in which you need, really do need, a t-shirt that has Justin's head stretched out to immense proportions by either your pert young breasts or his gigantic ego. Who knows? It could happen.

But I'm sorry. No one needs an NSYNC Memo Magnet, not even for the bargain price of $9.99. No one needs an NSYNC pillow for $29.99. You can buy out the pillow section of the Pottery Barn for thirty bucks! Have they no shame?

Apparently not. Because you can also buy- oh, screw it. Let me run them all down for you.

NSYNC Wall Plaque. Regular price is $14.99 but it's on sale for only $9.96. That mystifies me. Why is the Wall Plaque on sale? And why do you need a Wall Plaque? Do you honestly believe that both the group and your obsession with them will outlast your posters? Do you want something you can show your grandchildren? Or because you want to nail it beside your front door and declare your house an NSYNC Monument? The blurb goes like this: "This will grab ya! It almost looks like they could! The NSYNC chunky wall plaque is half an inch thick, and the shape of the band and logo is cut out for a stand out effect! The band members smile adorably above their flaming logo. Approximately 11.5" x 8.5"

Flaming.

Hee hee.

[Retro comment from me: I can't believe I missed that. Flaming logo. Comedy, people, comedy.]

I still don't know why you'd want it. It sounds sort of scary to me. You walk into your room wasted, the shadows play across the Plaque just wrong and BAM you're bashing the crap out of it with a baseball bat because you thought there were five freaky stalkers in your room. Anyway, it's really, really cheesy. For some reason I find the fact that it's a 'chunky' wall plaque just hysterically amusing. Not so the picture. Shiver. Scary! When they break up and JC is working on his solo career he'll be so pissed that there are all these non-biodegradable plaques around to remind him of his embarrassing early years. The other guys won't care. Because Lance will be making organic goat cheese in the south of France; Joey'll be too busy taking care of his eight children; Chris will be running a vegetarian restaurant. Justin? He's in Joliet, doing twenty-five to life for a drive-by. He has a big, sweaty bitch named Earl.

But JC; JC'll get pissed off. He'll be running around collecting the fuckers. "You got any plaques? Hand 'em over! I'll pay, you bitch!"

Hang on. On second thought, these babies might be worth something someday, if only for the prime blackmail value. I advise you to get yours now. It's on sale, you know!

Think he'll pull a Donnie Wahlberg? I mean, Joey Mac embraces his New Kids years. It's all about the love.

On to the next item. It's the NSYNC Mini Book! For only $4.95! Even I have to admit that isn't much for "…this little pocket book that's packed with all sorts of juicy NSync tidbits and, of course, photos too!" But if you give it a moment's thought, what NSYNC fan worth her hair glitter doesn't already know "who their favorite actresses and actors are? Do you know what they like to eat and what their favorite colors are?"

Are you supposed to carry this book around with you? That's what I wonder. Do you keep it in your backpack, just waiting for people to say "Gee, I wonder what Justin's favorite color is?" so you can whip it out and offer definitive proof that it really is baby blue? I guess. But if you have a semi-literate little sister that only discovered NSYNC this morning, this might be a nice stocking-stuffer.

Or how about the NSYNC Locking Diary? "What better place to keep your daydreams and fantasies safe! The NSYNC locking diary has a hard cover with fantastic images of the band on both the front and back on a deep blue background. Most importantly-it has a key!"

All that, and it's still only $7.99. Of course, we all know that those 'locking diaries' are easily jimmied open with a hairpin. Yale technology it's not. But I suppose if you're twelve and obsessed and you can't figure out teenopendiary.com, you need a safe place to record your torrid little emotions. You know what scares me? The fact that the blurb mentions "fantasies". I mean, dude, why not add "sexual" and try to sell the whole thing as an Erica Jong novel? ("The NSYNC Locking Diary and contents will remain property of NSYNC and if we want to use what you write in it for porno purposes, we will.") Please. I'm having this really disgusting mental image now that involves young teens staring at their Wall Plaque imagining what JC's tongue could do to them and scribbling it down in lurid detail in their NSYNC Locking Diaries using their NSYNC Jumbo Pencils (only $3.99!)

Scary. I told you. I'm all disturbed now. Thanks a lot, merchandise people!

Assorted sundries: the Photo Album Holder ("Comes with a sharp NSYNC photo on the front!"). Sharp? Well, okay. I suppose you can describe them as sharp if you want to. It's not the first word that comes to mind (Dorky. Manufactured. Annoying. Mind Control. That's two words but you get my point), but whatever.

The NSYNC No Strings Attached Poster Scroll. You may have noticed that I find the plethora of capital letters amusing. Don't ask me why. But the cool thing about the Poster Scroll is that, since it's a silkscreen print on 100% Polyester, and it comes with hanging clips, you can use it as a poster or as a window shade! How neat is that?

The NSYNC Lanyard. Unfortunately, the word lanyard brings to my mind images of Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I do not associate it with hot boybands. I think maybe the merchandising people were worried about this one, too, because they tell us: "Another piece of official NSYNC merchandise you can't miss. This 3 x 5 plastic lanyard displays the famous singers in a group pose on one side and on the back is a collage of each band member shot seperately [sic]."

You can tell they were hurting when they wrote this one. They just didn't know what to say. It was late, the building was empty, they were all out of coffee and they couldn't think of a damn thing. I can just see the ad boys passing it around the table, trying to think of something to say. And drawing a blank. Finally, one of them realizes that these idiots will buy anything if you tack the words "official NSYNC merchandise" on it. But I guess it was too late for them to check their blurb for spelling errors. Shame!

The NSYNC Halter Top. "You'll get almost as much attention as the band when you're wearing this summer-cool halter with baby blue trim and ties. But what gives this fashion statement its star power? NSYNC, of course-the band of the millennium!

The band of the FUCKING millennium? Mother fucker.

[Retro comment from me: It is a little egocentric, isn't it? What scares me is that I didn't even notice it before.]

The top features a fantastic image of the guys popping out of a big star frame shadowed in blue with a glimmering silver outline. 100% cotton; machine washable. Available in Medium only."

Now this is just scary. I'm serious. I almost don't know what to say but I'll give it a try. Because I'm cool like that. My problem is the following: the fact that the blurb mentions the attention you'll get (Although I find it very hard to believe that you'll be mobbed by screaming teenage girls who will rip the clothes from your body the instant you step out of the house because you're wearing this fashion don't.) and that it's only available in Medium. To me, that means that this is being marketed towards girls who are old enough to be aware of their burgeoning sexuality. And then it just goes downhill. Picture this, if you will: a young woman roams the mall, looking pretty damn hot in her halter with baby blue trim and ties. A young man heeds the call of nature and his hormones and strolls on over to talk to her. As he approaches, she turns. The young man sees the fantastic image of the guys popping out of her chest. He turns and runs like hell.

"popping out of her chest"....it's so....Alien. I can't picture it. Oh wait, I can. And it's funny as shit.

All I want to say is that whoever convinced the merchandise people that this item was a good idea is one hell of a salesperson. And that it scares the crap out of me that this item probably sold like hotcakes.

I'll skip the rest of the jjunk (although I was tempted to rant about the Collectible Marionettes, but I'll let it go with only the obvious remark that they're freaky) because I wanted to suggest some items that would make good merchandise.

T-SHIRTS. Yes, I know they already have them. Not the kind I'm thinking of, babe. Enough of the boring ones that have just an image and the band name on the chest. Let's get with it here people! I want to see shirts that have, say, Justin's head on them and then stamped across it in fluorescent lettering "I want to fuck you Justin! My number is 555-1212. I'm legal and I have really low self-esteem. I'll do it with a chick if you want.".

We'd definitely make money with "Lance I'm Legal!" ones. Because I see those signs everywhere NSYNC is.

How about one that says 'Lance, if I find you a hot boy to freak, can I watch?' Or a shirt that has Joey's hands silk-screened over the breast area. Now that would be cool.

Oh, it's so Janet. It's so great. And you know, JC just wants to be the one in the chair.

TALKING WATCHES. I must admit I was tempted by the NSYNC LCD Watch. Because I'm a sucker for cheap plastic watches. I used to have a Phantom Menace children's watch. Damn, it was cool. It had Obi-Wan Kenobi swinging his saber on it. And whenever I was in a group and people were being slow I'd tap my watch and say "Obi-Wan says it's time to go, people. And you can't argue with the Force". Even I, however, would be challenged to invent a statement to go with an NSYNC watch. Besides, the blurb goes like this: "Their new album-"No Strings Attached"-is the first album ever to sell more than 1 million copies in 1 day! In two weeks over 3.2 million copies were sold! So what does that tell you? It tells you to act fast if you want to wrap this fabulous, 5 function, NSYNC LCD watch around your wrist."

Actually, it tells me that P.T. Barnum's estimate was on the conservative side. But I digress! My point is that since NSYNC is so dorky anyway, why not have a TALKING WATCH? That's right! I know you marketing types are perking up your ears right about now, and why not? It's a brilliant idea. It worked for Austin Powers, and NSYNC is at least as stupid. You could collect dumb sayings from 'the guys' (wouldn't have to look long and hard, either) and turn it all into a nice watch. And every fifteen minutes, you'd get a little statement followed by the time. Perfect. Want a demo? Here you go: "I pee in the shower! The time is now three o'clock." "I be so ghetto, yo! Y'all is mad stupid! Da time now be three fifteen. Don' be a hater!" "Wanna fuck? The time is now three thirty." "I'm the crazy one. Haha. The time is now three forty-six. How crazy is that, huh? Huh?" "I do a lot of drugs. The time is now… I don't know, man, I just don't know. I'm having a really bad trip."

Those watches are gold. I'd never miss a class again if I could hear Chris' sex-y voice telling me exactly what time it was, and also mentioning Grandma's funnel cake. Wonders upon wonders.

Think about it. It's gold, baby, gold. But it's my idea and you can't have it. Look, I'm a grad student! I'm racking up a debt the size of Antarctica. However, I do take Visa. If you're seriously interested, give me a call. We can work something out.

By the way, I found something I actually want. I will so score with this baby. The blurb even says that chicks will dig me for it! Wait. I am a chick. Dammit! But I'm still getting it. And anyway, it's only 13.95. I can deal with that.
















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