If I shelled out the money for it, I might as well get a review out of it. So here it is. Since the damn thing is so long, look for it in parts. But I must get instant gratification, so I'm positng it. So be afraid. Be very afraid. The foray into the world of music videos is always a scary one. And besides, there's the video for "For the Girl Who Has Everything."
Look for KD's comments in blue.
I sit down, ready to watch. I'm scared. This is why I let my McDonald's video sit for a week or so before watching. I turn it on.
"Dedicated to the memory of Denniz PoP" flashes across the screen. Aha, that songwriter guy. Nice to see that NSYNC beat BSB to the Denniz shoutout. And why does he spell his name this way? But the man is dead so...I'll shut up.
No, I was wondering too. But then you're talking about
a group of people who think it's perfectly acceptably
to replace the word "in" with "n" whenever you feel
like it.
We open to screaming girls. Good lord. One points to a pic of Lesbian!Lance. Honey! No! Don't do that. You should like Justin. Or JC. Not Flamer. It's not good for you. Soon you'll be listening to the Indigo Girls.
But is it Butch!Lesbian!Lance, or just Lesbian!Lance?
Because he went through that whole Ellen Degeneres
period, *and* that Anne Heche period. Thank God he's
in this Ricky Martin phase right now. Ain't nuthin'
wrong with bein' gay. But it's just, I don't know,
nice if you're being a gay *guy*. Remember that horny
teens have paid good money to see you do that hot body
roll.
We pan across lots of bad bangs and fashion choices. When was this video from again? And then I see it. Now THIS is how to get Justin to notice your sign. Scrawled in brightass silver glitter, it says "JUSTIN - DROP 'EM!" My GOD. I wonder if her mother knows she has this.
If it's mallrat turf, the mother probably made it for
her.
Cut to them performing in NYC....aha, the poor days when they were too big for malls but not big enough to move on to classier venues. This time they're in front of Macy's. This time they're in white Nike soccer jersey's and...WRISTBANDS? Good GOD.
I've always wondered about wristbands. How much do
your wrists sweat? Mine don't sweat much.
At least it's not the Fubu performance.
I speak too soon. We cut to the Fubu freaks. Ahhh, the Color-Coded System (TM) is in full effect. God, I remember the matching outfit days well. I'm not sure which is worse. Fashion freaks of today or the X-Files Clones of back then.
Yeah, that was on crack. The Color-Coded System (TM)
was worse than if they just all showed up in the same
thing. Uniforms I can handle, people showcasing the
gift of individuality within the system just scare the
crap out of me.
They launch into I Want You Back. Hooray. Let me jump for joy as I see the incredibly laughable dance moves. WHOO HOO! Lest we forget that these are the days when their dancing skills are definitely...lacking. The body roll that KD despises is fall down funny here.
Yes, it's awful. The worst bit? Watch Lance doing it.
He has no clue. He knows it's supposed to be sexy, but
he just can't get it there.
But my favorite move in IWYB is *not* the body roll,
delicious though it may be. No, no, my friends; it's
the Hindu Deity Move, where they stand in a row with
Justin at the front and wave their arms? We used to
get wasted and do it at parties and fall over laughing
and go puke in the bushes. Good times, and that move
just brings it all back.
I hate it. Hate it, I tell you.
Dude. Don't say that. Because I'm sure they tossed it
around.
Aha, another double-decker bus shot. What a surprise! Lance is next to JC. They're obviously lip-synching to I Want You Back (Jesus...I pity the people of New York for having to hear that song ten million times), but Lance is doing a total Tom Jones impersonation, while leaning on JC. Even back then they were getting their freak on.
"It's not unusual to be loved by anyone"? Or is it
more of a "What's new, Pussycat, WHOAH OHOH OH OHA"
moment?
It was a hybrid of both. I didn't want to throw panties.
More signs. These girls are creative bitches, let me tell you. My favorite? "Justin - What the dil?" Oh, see, there you go. Speak his language and he'll fall for you instantly.
I'm missing something essential about the signs, I
guess. I associate signs with demonstrations. Like you
hold one up that says "Recount now!" or "Ban the bomb"
or whatever. "Justin - What the dil?" doesn't do it
for me. Is he supposed to go out into the audience and
tell her what the dil is? Fuck.
AHAHA! They're in Sisqo dragon wear. Justin is the only one with no jacket on. Do we really want to see his underage/underdeveloped arms? Hell no. This is during the Steriods!JC time. Let him take off his dragon jacket.
Justin was on 'roids too. He had muscles, even back
then. Which weirds me out. I think Lou put him on HGH.
KD, you'll be happy to know that Joey looks....wow, he's hot. HOT I tell you. Damn.
See? He's not always an inbred freak.
They bust out the flips. Jesus CHRIS, they're retarded. Re-tar-ded. Who ever thought of that? They're like...cheerleaders on crack. Except we never did anything that bad.
I think NSYNC are androids or something. The human
body just isn't designed to do what they do with it.
It's not possible. Androids, or weird wetwiring and
shit. The Six Million Dollar Dudes!
JC sings from on top of the double-decker. Oh, he's really singing. He sounds...weird. Forceful? It doesn't sound like him, exactly, and for a minute I'm thrown. I can't quite explain it.
Now they all break it down in their Fubu gear. I'm shocked to see Justin and Chris, doing a familiar move...is it? Why yes! It's the "old school" breakdown from Just Got Paid. I can see them being like "Wade! Wade sir! We have this great move we've been practicing FOREVER! You have to let us put it in!" And Wade cracked his whip. And it was so.
He's Captain Picard. "Engage."
JC blows the crowd a kiss from atop his double decker perch. He's cute. His WWJD bracelet flops in the wind. Is it awful to say that those bracelets annoy me?
No. And as you know, I believe the WWJD movement to be
theologically flawed. But I won't get into that,
because it'd be serious, and you'd be shocked to see
me doing Serious!KD, and also it'd be boring as hell.
I hate it when men blow kisses. It's so Liberace.
And...the song ends. I'm not sure if I should be thankful, scared, or happy. Whatever. At least I don't have to see the wristbands anymore.
Cut to a photo shoot of the guys, I'm assuming in Macy's. Wherever it is,
they're being snapped left and right. I'm wondering how many of these
people Lou paid to show up. Of course, Lance is next to JC. JC has his
arm around Lance protectively and is shooting a cheshire cat grin.
You know, we always joke about Lance and JC being together. But I'm thinking
that they really are. They have a really domesticated vibe, like they've
been together for years.
Oh. They have.
I'm not saying that I'd know what to say if someone said "KD! Gun To Your
Head! Name your likes! Let's go!". BUT. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't say
sneakers.
Chris is next. Nice to see they tossed in a pic of him playing football,
because I had trouble believeing his short ass ever played. He likes...
records. So if you've never seen them before, he's the quirky one. Or
just a nerd, if you'd like. I go with nerd. No one LIKES records. Not
even Funkmaster Flex. Loser.
He played football? Touch football? Because I'm having trouble seeing
Chris holding his own in a pile-up. Although... remember that Rudy movie?
Maybe I should be thinking something like that. A small guy with a heart
the size of Montana. Sob.
I almost die when they show a pic of Adorableyoung!Lance, sticking out his
tongue at the camera. No WES here. I think he should scrunch up his eyes
in all pictures. At least it goes away. Lance's likes are....pictures and
old comic books. Pictures ? I can't even make the joke. It's just too
easy. It's like the Will and Grace comment. C'mon Lancers. Make me think
you're not flamey. Please? Uneducated people now know that Lance is the
gay one.
It's not just the ignorant people, dude.
And here's....Joey! And it's Joey doing a toe-touch. Oh my GOD, Joey.
Why weren't you on our cheering squad? Damn. He needs to stop doing that
shit. Let's say it all together, Joey likes superman memoribilia. Aha.
So now our living under a rock people know that he thinks he's someone with
superpowers. Supersperm, perhaps?
With which he will bust you out, in the manner of oldschool
The Sugarhill Gang, perhaps?
With all the others out of the way, it's time for JC. I'm scared.
Scared.
AHAHAHAHAH! They've used the picture where he either has no front teeth or
that gap between his teeth was once a lot wider. Poor boy. He's so proud.
Never again, honey. Never again. This is where his scary grin days
started. Damn Karen and Roy. They get him to show off his jack-o-lantern
smile and then this is what we get. JC likes Hard Rock Cafe menu's.
Yawn. Those who don't know NSYNC realize that JC is the one who thinks
he's musical. And he's a nerd too.
He is. That's exactly right. If he weren't an international pop superstah,
he would have no friends.
Actually, they're all nerds. Who likes those kinds of things? Losers.
God, they're boring.
Back to the photoshoot. God, JC looks happy. He's introducing his
girlfriend Lance to the world.
And then we head back to them performing in Fubu. Dammit! These random
cuts are annoying. They're instructing the crowd on how to "party like we
do." Apparantly, to party like they do, you must make lots of noises while
Justin does beatbox in the background. God, he must be great entertainment
when drunk. "Dude! Let me break out my Fat Boys records! I can do Wipeout
for ya'll!"
I'm liking it. Wasted!Justin. You're right. He would bust out random
beatboxin' moves and put on shows in his underwear.
Wasted!Joey is probably all emotional. "You're the best, man.
I love you. No, I do! Gimme a hug. I love you."
Wasted!Chris? I bet he builds shit. "Dude! Dude! We need all the mattresses
in the house! We're gonna make a trampoline!"
Wasted!JC? Sleeping in a corner. Boring ass.
Wasted!Lance? I think he's pretty much the same. Mainly because I think that
Lance is drunk most of the time, anyway.
Again they cut between the Nike and Fubu outfits. I notice Chris has on
batting gloves. Is this a prereq, that all boybands must wear hand and
arm gear that has nothing to do with the task at hand? (no pun intended)
I mean really. But the random cutting is perplexing. Did they do this
same routine twice around the city? How did they decide what to wear at
what point? Oddness.
They must have someone who's in charge of their Gear. "Step right up, boys!
Get your wristbands and batting gloves here!"
Next up? Band History, Lance's deep voice tells me as the uber!cheezy
graphic scrolls across the screen. JC breaks out his flamey voice to
say "history" and suddenly I have a Michael Jackson flash. Fuck. I notice
they're sitting at a baby grand bench. Good lord. Chris smashes his head
onto the keys for his shot. I love you, Chris. Although his hair is
distracting. This is when he liked the pigtails. My god. He was 26.
This is sad.
JC talks about how they got together. Blah blah story writer blah. He
touches his face randomly when he mentions that Chris got everyone
together. Is it a..signal? Who knows. I just know he can't stop
fidgeting. Jesus, he's got a lisp. Stop talking!
I just flashed to JC at a bridge tournament. "I've got spades, Edna, spades!
Remember the signal- tugging my left earlobe!"
As Justy speaks, there is a LINE DIAGRAM with each of their names,
connecting them. Good FUCKING God. He spouts off that he "immediately
called JC." Cut to JC baring his teeth at the camera. Oh, and we can
see why you called him right there. He tries to imitate Justin. "Yo,
we've been singin'!" I want to beat him.
Justin shows off the line diagram again. He makes an isocoles triangle
with Chris and JC.
Chris hams it up with the piano some more. I notice he's steering clear
of the SW story. Good choice, dude.
JC comes back. "I met Chris, and I felt like I knew him my whole life!"
Well that just REEKS of story writer. God. Then we launch into the club
story. JC talks about meeting Joey there. "He looked at me and he looked
at Chris and said 'What are YOU two doing here?'"
Jesus. It makes it sound like he caught Chris cheating on him. I knew
it. They were at a gay club. I KNEW IT! Either that or a really bad
pick-up line. Joey was like "Hey! That looks like barbershop quartet
boy! I've had a crush on him. But why is he with that Eisner bitch?"
Wow. You're right. It *was* a gay club. Dude. You've cracked the Club mystery.
And then we launch into the "we needed a bass" story. JOEY was the
lowest? Excuse me? Apparantly this was before voice changes because
I'm sure we all know of Joe's note in "Crazy For You." JC talks about
the harmonies and flits his arms around. Flamer. "That's where Justin
got ahold of...uh...Lance." He really does pause. See? He was all
about to say Jason. He got tripped up. The SW glared at him. Poor
kid.
I want to know why they kicked him out. Personally. Curious!KD in da house.
The line diagram has morphed into some fucked up pentagram. Oh, wait,
it is a pentagram/Dodge symbol. OH! Wait! Now it morphs into the
NSYNC star. Excuse me while I throw up.
At least it turns into the star. I was all "Wow- NSYNC are into Wicca and
shit. Who knew?". And scarily, I can see Chris as the High Priest.
JC is about to explain the five of them. He holds up five fingers.
I must rewind to take this all in. "These are your five pieces. It's
like your hand." Waves other hand over top, looks like he wants to say
something else really astounding. His face falls. "That's it."
...
I have nothing to say. Is he the dumbest man alive?
Fuck.
Take me away to part two
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