Tonight, I sat down and watched NSYNC on MTV's 100 Greatest Pop Songs Of All Time.
My GOD, I have never seen such a bored group of guys. Well, except for JC. Maybe he was really excited about his sweater or something. But really. That was defintely one of the weirdest things I've seen them do.
To begin with the strangeness, I'm watching with my mom, which is weird in itself. My mom...she's odd. She's not a fan of "those boys." But when we're in the car, and Bye Bye Bye comes on, she sings along. She also joined us in making fun of Britney Spears when she busted her ass on the Stronger Making of the Video.
It scares me.
Anyway, so Carson comes on. My mom's like "He's getting married. The girl's pretty ugly." Hahahaha! I tell her about the club kissing story. She's like "NO! I never heard that on Entertainment Tonight!" That's my mom.
I have told so many people about the club kissing story. And now I'm wondering if his fruity leanings had something to do with his leaving the Church. He needs to out himself. He'd be much more interesting if he had a tortured soul hiding under that smug exterior. Although I do wonder if he isn't swinging both ways because it's hip and trendy. He seems like the type.
And then we see...NSYNC. Busting through the door, totally full of entheusiasm and excitement.
Jesus, I've never seen an audience or group of 5 guys who would rather be anywhere else but MTV studios on that day. What, did Carson make certain sexual stipulations beforehand they weren't down with? Well, besides JC. Because he's all excited about his sweater and stuff.
Speaking of sweaters, let me give you the style rundown. Because you know you want it.
Lance - Oh for FUCK'S SAKE! Can't he just....look awful so I
can get past this little issue I'm having with him? Jeez, he's preppy
casual. I can SO dig it. Jesus, he must be sleeping with the wardrobe
people to get all the good outfits. See guys, you whore yourself out
like Lance, you get to consistently look good.
Survey says -
Very, very Goodsync. The fucker.
And the Mutation continues.
Justin - Why does he like his brown leather coats lately? CAMEL,
Juju! Camel! Not brown. Is this the same jacket he wore for the Christmas
Special coming up? But the rest of the outfit is nice. He keeps up with
the prep/cas theme.
Survey says - Ehhh...goodsync I guess. If
pushed.
Joey - Your mom is hot. I love him.
Survey says -
Goodsync.
Worryingly, I can completely see Joey on one of those "My man slept with my mom!" Springer shows. Totally.
Chris - He's Visor!Chris! Oh, how I love Visor!Chris. It's
almost as good as Glasses!Chris. Well, he has on glasses today. But
they're like...demented Oakley's. Let's hope those aren't off Fuman's
summer line. But the rest of the outfit is good. Red t-shirt. Nice
Pants. I like.
Survey says - Quite Goodsync, if you squint
and don't see his sunglasses.
And then...god...I just don't know what to say. Do I ever?
JC - For fuck's sake. I said these exact words as he walked out,
and my mom goes "What is that one boy wearing? My god..." There is a WOMAN
on his shirt. Who looks alot like Natasha from the Rocky and Bullwinkle
Cartoon. But it's like....crazy and colorful and green tones and I just
want to rip it off of him and beat him until he realizes that he is just
one big fashion Don't. Dude, who dressed him? Joey from Full House?
Fucker.
But his hair looks really good.
Survey says - Oh,
he's beyond Badsync now. BEYOND.
You know what? I'm thinking that we've picked the wrong drug for dear Josh. Acid. Definitely acid.
And then they get into the countdown. Dude, I bet they're pissed that Bye Bye Bye was so high on the list. What was it? 54? Morons. Lance probably wanted to kick some ass. "You fuckers! You told us we were #1! Screw The Jackson Five! We're the best band in the whole god damn world!"
But anyway. Carson talks about the lack of clothing on the Chili Peppers during shows, and asks the guys if they ever considered performing in a sock. JC doubles over, doing that embarassed laugh/bobing/ducking head thing he does so well. It's almost cute. But he has Natasha on his sweater. The fucker. Why was he so embarassed in the first place? He's 24. Being naked is something we deal with every day. Get over it, dude, and stop trying to act all innocent. You're not 10. But maybe he thought about Lance in a sock and just couldn't control himself.
Dude, dude. Picture JC. Now picture him naked. If I were that skinny, the thought of nudity would make me embarrassed, too.
Chris keeps trying to be funny and Carson just keeps shutting him down. Oh, this will be a FUN hour. Dude, I don't blame Carson. I'd do the same thing.
"Faith" is on the countdown and there's Miss Spears, commenting on how she loves George Michael's and Limp Bizkit's versions equally. Jesus Brit. Fred won't be writing about you in his next song, and George won't be whacking off to your picture in some bathroom if you pick one over the other. For fuck's sake, I can't even picture you listening to Limp's version of "Faith." I think Fred would be really disappointed in some way if you did.
I don't know. I think Fred secretly wants Brit. He's probably going to call
her later. "Hey, Fred Durst here. I heard you dig our song. So... you wanna
catch a movie sometime?" Or maybe he'll start bitching on her like he does
on that scaryASS phone message for Taproot. "Don't ever come to one of my
fucking shows because you'll get fucked UP, motherfucker!"
And DUDE! Have y'all ever seen that George interview where he's
asked how he knew he was gay, not bisexual? George: "Well, I slept with lots
of people. Lots and lots. Men, women, I didn't care. But eventually I realized
that it's not who you can get it up for, it's who you can get it up for
and LOVE." So I bet George could make the pages of Elle stick
together for Miz Spears.
And Britney is sort of a gay icon, isn't she? I bet she is.
Suddenly, the clip is over and NSYNC has miraculously gotten stools for Justin, and Chris, while JC, Joe, and Lance stand around, holding their microphones at their sides oddly. I'm not sure what's so weird about how they're holding the mics. It just pisses me off. Suddenly I'm filled with questions. Why is Justin sitting? Why not Lance? He's the next shortest. I mean, we all know why Chris is sitting. It's a twofold answer - he's old. And everyone knows old people can't stand for long times. And two - he's a fucking elf. But really, why does Justin get a seat?
"Get me mah stool, biznitch! Ah'z needs to back my azz up on some chair, not have my precious boo-tay standin' fo no hour! Dat's a direct vi-o-la-shun of mah insurance po-licy I'z gots out on mah azz."
And why are C, N, and Y standing? Perhaps Lance and JC have included Joe in their little tryst. Menage a three, anyone?
It works. Now I'm on the lookout for meaningful glances between all three.
That would be weird. But I can see it.
They pretend to like the Beatles. I only believe Chris, who witnessed the British Invasion firsthand. Dude, I bet he was the other guy on the grassy knoll.
It suddenly feels very surreal to see "Maybe I'm Amazed," one of my favorite songs of all time, on a countdown with NSYNC and Human League. Very, very surreal.
Cut back to the studio. Oh look. Justin's so incredibly bored that suddenly his shoes are more exciting then anything. I don't think he looks up for half of the show. Jesus.
They discuss Prince and JC emits a very weird laugh when Carson mentions P-man's asscheek pants.
For god's sake.
He keeps a pair just like them in the back of his closet and sometimes, late at night, when he's all alone, he'll pull them out and put them on. His hands shake and his palms sweat as he slides them up his legs and adjusts the holes in the back. Slowly, he moves towards the mirror. For a few brief, too brief moments, he revels in the beauty of his body, turning and turning to see every angle of his glorious self. Then the shame strikes and he falls to the ground, sobbing.
I have now realized that JC is not the only NSYNC member prone to spasms. In fact, everyone of them is a fidgeter, Chris especially. His bouncing leg is driving me insane. I will Justin to reach over and stop it. He doesn't. The fucker. But he's to busy staring at his shoes to see it and be annoyed anyway.
You know what? I think they had a fight before they came out. And Justin and Chris were on one side, and JC and Lance and Joey were on the other. That's why they're so quiet. That's why Justin and Chris are sitting. I bet it was about chicks. Joey wanted them to go to this brothel for some male bonding. But Justin and Chris, both being involved in committed, monogamous relationships, refused. And that pissed the other guys off. "You never spend time with us anymore! We're falling apart, man!"
Ahhh, the boyband debate. This will be fun. Justin proclaims loudly that they are NOT a band. They are a vocal group. Well, thanks J-Dawg. But what about your turn at being The Wonders during the last tour? Because that TOTALLY renders you all as musicians, totally. I'm expecting JC to pipe up and be like "Um, I'd like to point out that even though we do not play instruments onstage, I do play the guitar, drums, piano, and harmonica very well. I am also a very talented producer. If any groups would like to reach me, my number is 555 - SPAZ. Thank you."
I hate them so much. Remember Justice Potter
Stewart on pornography: "I may not be able to define it, but I know it when
I see it."
Boybands are like that. I can't define the paramaters that make you a boyband
or not. But I know them when I see them. NSYNC? Boyband. All the fucking way.
Why are all boybands so obsessed with convincing people that they aren't
boybands? It's hypocritical, it's false, it annoys me. Stop it.
Lance says that boybands are groups that were put together and cannot sing.
The Backstreet Boys?
Oh wait. Anyway. He brings up THE story again. Forget it Lancers. Or shall I call you....JAMES? Dude, the ruse is up. We've got ya'll figured out.
I have to crack up at Bono comparing Bob Dylan to "Bustin" Rhymes. Bono, I love you. But dude, something happened from here to Ireland.
Random crowd shot. Jesus. They look bored too! Fuck. I mean, if I was there, I wouldn't be psycho or anything. But I'd be...more animated.
Oh fuck. I'd be throwing myself at Lance. "Do me, you piece of sexual white chocolate! Do me!"
JC proudly proclaims that he is proud to be a POP artist. "Cause like, U2 had an album named Pop and stuff."
I may throw up.
I am filled with rage. I want to beat him. I want to rant and rave and write
essays explaining how he and U2 are not even in the same ballpark.
He defiles everything he touches.
But he's not done, and proceeds to wax philosophic on the world of pop music.
Carson ignores him and goes to Joey.
But JC...he's still not done, and cuts off Joey to keep talking.
Carson interrupts and brings up "Mmmm Bop."
Don't ask me. I don't get it either.
Maybe Carson was involved in the fight backstage. Like he wanted to go to the brothel, but JC didn't want him along 'cause Carson always touches him in inappropriate ways.
JC gives up trying to speak, and gets his sad "I'm at the VMA's and everyone is not letting me speak" face. I don't feel sorry for him.
How appropriate is it that Van Halen is on the countdown? And in David Lee Roth days? Ho pickers, indeed. I bet Joey takes lessons from DLR and has security round him up a harem of floor seat girls. "Dude, Dre, I wants me some blonde lovin' tonight!"
Here's a question: do you think Joey cards his hoes before screwing them? He should. Card them and only use his own condoms. I'm serious. Or he could end up with a pregnant seventeen-year-old suing him for a couple mill. I worry for him. I hope his mom or dad or whoever has told him this stuff and that he can think with the big head long enough to actually follow through.
I nearly fall out of my chair when JC says that the first thing most people learn when they play the keyboard is the intro to "Jump." I just...I just CANNOT imagine a pint size JC picking out the notes to that song. Never. But I guess I can't speak, because my dad taught me to play Smoke on the Water on a keyboard when I was 5.
Moving on.
This time around, JC is jumping on the mic to speak every five seconds. This is his turn to shine, I guess, because he's the "musical" one of the group. Dude, it's a countdown of the biggest pop songs of all time. It's not something important, like the good lists that VH1 has. But it's weird, because everyone else is incredibly silent. Besides Chris making stupid comments and Lance chiming in occasionally, they're all just sitting there, bored.
See? They had a fight.
Apparantly Carson and Justy are hitting it that week, because C Daly asks Justin several times to take them to break. I bet he got a special treat after the show for being such a good little VJ.
"And it'll be our special secret. Don't tell anyone, that's a good little boy."
Carson brings up lava lamps and the lava lamp story is brought up...again! Jesus. You hear one NSYNC story, you hear them all. It's like my uncle. Long car trips with him, and you'll hear the same stories like...5 times. Over my lifetime, I think I've heard the story of how he chased a suspect through downtown Reading and onto this train track 156 times. Anyway, Chris says that JC broke his, shooting him a venomous look. Damn Chris. They're tacky anyway. Unless you're a pimp or in college, no one should have a lava lamp.
I'm confused, however, because I thought the story went the other way around, and Chris broke JC's. Dude, I guess they're just recycling stories now and changing details to make them a LITTLE more interesting.
NSYNC, I'm on to you. I know there's some big conspiracy brewing just below the surface. I know it.
Dude, dude! I just figgered it out, yo. They have a guy who writes these
stories for them. He just sends them scripts of amusing anecdotes and they
memorize them. But the guy works for Paramount now and they haven't found a
new story writer so they have to recycle the old ones. I could help them out.
Amusing: Joey once wrapped JC in the underwear that gets thrown
onstage while he was sleeping.[JC shoots
Joey venomous look, other guys laugh, Joey looks embarrassed] Joey then
mentions that JC's mom walked in before JC had gotten it all off.
[pause for audience laughter, JC punches Joey lightly on shoulder]
Touching: There's a girl in Georgia who is alive only because Lance donated
bone marrow. [pause for audience to go all soft, guys clap and nod, clap and
nod. Lance clears throat self-
effacingly]
Lance talks about registering to be a donor and how important it is.
[pause as nine thousand pubescent girls rush out to register]
Sexy: During a Meet and Creep in Iowa, a girl hugged Justin and then
tweaked his nipple so hard he yelped. People looked at him funny. [pause,
duck head, look shy] Justin's nipples are really sensitive. [pause for
audience to go 'oooooh!'] Presenter asks if Britney knows about this. Justin
shakes head and refuses to answer. He says that he's a gentleman. [pause
for audience to be touched].
Chris makes a funny! He claims he was alive in 1965. Dude, but it's TRUE!
Carson doesn't laugh. "No, you weren't."
Shut DOWN!
Carson hates Chris.
Joe Levy is my hero. On stars who are like the Smokey Robinson's of today, he says: "Justin of NSYNC, when he's lucky and thinking about Britney *really* hard, can hit those soulful notes." *snort*
Eric Clapton and NSYNC on the same countdown. Surreal.
"Dancing Queen" is HIGHER then "Tears in Heaven"? Horrors. I'm suddenly very sad that only Carson was shown when he intro'd this song. I wanted Lance to talk about it. About how he listened to it and it changed his life. I find myself hoping that he'll comment after the video is over. Dammit! He doesn't.
They go to commercial, and Carson's like "We'll be back with more songs." "And Kate Hudson!" yells Justin. Dude, kid. She's 21. She's engaged to the lead singer of the Black Crowes. Give it up.
Carson shows a picture of Keith Richards and NSYNC. Now that's surreal. "How did he ever end up at that concert?" asks Cars. JC breaks out a British accent to explain. I don't even remember what he said. I just remembered this.
I
Wanted
To
Die.
That was just...lord.
You know what I just realized? If you put JC and Robbie Williams in the same room, Robbie would annihilate JC inside five or six minutes. He wouldn't touch him. He'd just slay him with his acerbic wit. I hope JC never breaks out the British accent around RW 'cause he'd get castrated.
I discover that Tim Miller, the sound dude for the NSA tour, is responsible for us listening to the Rolling Stones Bridges to Babylon Live CD at the concert. Good man. Good, good man, although I scared the teenies around me by yelling "Why are they playing GOOD music at a show like this? Do you know who this is? Do you!? This is the Stones!"
JC can certainly identify with the Stones, especially Mick. Not because they're both musicians, mind you. It's because they both have the tiniest waists I've ever seen. Believe me, I saw Mick's pants at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and I wanted to throw up right there. No human being is that skinny. But JC's certainly on his way there. *gasp* The Police with "Every Breath You Take." Sting puts JC to shame. I'm left wondering if JC will gush about how Sting is one of his favorite artists afterwards. Because god knows that we haven't heard that before or anything. Not that I mind people gushing about Sting or anything...
KD, your boy Jeff wins points with his kind words about Sting.
My GOD...Sting is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. Arms to die for. I know. I saw them up close. They put JC to shame. Even in his "good arm" days. Fuck how old he is. Because I definitely would.
Surreal moment 3...CCR on the same countdown as NSYNC. My dad would have a conniption right here. John, run. Fast.
"JC and I were just reminiscing about our CCR memories," chirps Carson.
You've gotta be fucking kidding me. JC does NOT have CCR memories. Fucker! Fucker! Fucker! He's not supposed to have CCR memories. Sure, they're kinda WT, with the southern fried rock tip, but STILL! It's classic rock! JC does not like classic rock. It's...wrong.
"I'm really into classic rock radio stations." crows JC.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
"I really like the Moody Blues and people like that."
I hate him. See what happens when you let JC speak, people? God, he sucks.
FUCKER! The MOODY BLUES?!?!?
For some reason, JC's favorite classic rock band being the Moody Blues just fits. I mean, fuck The Beatles and The Who and Fleetwood Mac. Because "Nights in White Satin" is where it's AT!
I want to throw up.
Is it just me, or do the guys flinch every time BSB is mentioned? I think Carson mentions that they're going to be on the 20-1 countdown tomorrow a lot more times than he should just to get a reaction.
And that's all. They leave, they all smile and finally look alive. "Hurray! Now we can go out and pick up hookers!"
JC gives his best crinkly eyed smile. I...oh my...
But then I see Natasha.
The fucker.