News
Oy! Forgot to add- new, fun game here at the Cafe. We know there are questions you're DYING to ask us, questions you need answered. Well, here's your chance. Email your question, whatever it is, to TheCrunkTruth@aol.com, and we'll answer it in our update.
No holds barred. And we promise to keep the identity of the questioners a secret. Honest.
Kisses,
New front page. Yay! I know y'all were growing bored with the old one.
And, check it, we finished Jeno's Jello Pool (Most Creative Name) prize. [i want the world to know] Well. That is to say, look for WD's comments soon. But. Yeah. It's *mostly* done, yo.
That would be about all, except for the fact that JC tips really really poorly (SURPRISE), Justin and Brit like to leave Joey to pick up 600 dollar tabs (Which he doesn't do), and, dude, it seems that Wade really is sneaking his outback ass into the group. Life is full of entertainment, no?
Later,
Updated 29 May 2001
I haven't updated since the 13th? I swear, NSYNC ate my brain. The fuckers. If you read my diary, you saw that things got a little...well, they got a little scary for awhile.
But I'm better now. I've calmed, I hate them for taking my money. I hate them for making me spend MORE money to see them in two weeks. The fuckers. They don't care. They take it, put on a nice show, and then expect you to want to spend MORE money just to do it all again.
Fucking WA, man. They need to stop taking lessons from Jerome. Because I need my hit, man. I need it really bad.
But if things couldn't get any worse, I got another email from JC this morning after they got into their hotel in Boston, wherein he threw a huge hissy at me for the sign that I made last night, and he pointed me towards the mounting evidence against [wa-ro] himself. Poor guy. He's really running scared.
Of course, I would be too, if they dressed me up like an evil banana in tight pants for the show.
Peace,
Updated 27 May 2001
WD saw some people sing and dance last night. Not that anyone cares about such things. But, anyway, look for her to jump in here with some thoughts about Wade and whatnot soon.
For now, go check out the new questions in the [guestbook] or whatever to entertain yourself.
KD
Updated 22 May 2001
Good ways to get the Cafe staffers to update:
Hey, at least you entertained us for like nine seconds, kid. Personally, I thought it was JC, and his finger slipped on the keyboard (BECAUSE IT WAS STICKY) but WD was convinced that imperious tone could be Justin, and Justin only.
So here're the goods: [flow it, show it].
And right about now, let's pause for the cause. We need to go to Vegas. You all know this. We need fundage to buy ourselves into secret brothels Joey will frequent and things! We'll be funny about it. You know we're good for it. C'mon, people! [i got to get paid]
One love,
Updated 13 May 2001
AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Somehow Joey with holes in his knee cracks me up. But this is a VERY SERIOUS MATTER (TM) people, as if it had been Justin or JC (ie The skinny cracked out herion addict ones) they could have snapped their leg. The teenie population rails in horror. Poor Joey. No one cares he's stapled up. They're glad that the NSYNC superstud is intact, legs and hairy forearms and all.
In all this to do, of course I got another email from JC, who does this when bad things happen. I usually can never understand what he writes, it's a lot of scribbles and him shouting about the pretty colors and the flying furniture, but I did understand the part where he screamed about [wade's journal.] Wow. I'm thinking that maybe this should be turned over to the proper authorities. Perhaps Melinda. She seems like she's on the up and up with all NSYNC haps, and I think that we could possibly see her take action in one to two months. Possibly three. I think.
Cheers!
Pop! Pop! Pop!
Justin says "Ice around my neck"! We like that a lot. And by like I mean "laugh really loudly at", of course.
It's all good. Joey. Love Machine. *snort*. Hey, your words, not ours. Retard.
For your viewing "pleasure": [what were you thinking?]. Look for WD to jump in there with some comments any day now.
Also, new section! It might just have one thing in it for awhile, though. So, okay, I didn't actually make a section. But maybe I will at some point. We'll call it Mini-rants. Because that's what they are. Something that pisses us off but doesn't warrant an entire essay. So. Yeah.
[shake ya ass (but watch yourself)]
.
And remember, if you're bored, you can check out what's going on in our brains over under the diaries. Just FYI.
Lata!
Updated 9 May 2001
Such an eventful couple of days.
First, we learn this:
NEW YORK (ENTERTAINMENT WIRE) - On July 24 Jive Recording artist *NSYNC will release Celebrity the follow up to their Diamond certified Jive debut album No Strings Attached. The first single "Pop" will be available via satellite on May 15 at 7:00 PM ET via the DG system. On May 28 MTV's Making The Video will debut the video.
"Pop" was co-written by Justin Timberlake and Wade Robson and co-produced by BT, Justin Timberlake and Wade Robson.
Celebrity has tracks written and/or produced by Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Max Martin, Rodney Jerkins, The Neptunes, Brian McKnight and Wade Robson.
*NSYNC will perform "Pop" on The Rosie O'Donnell Show (6/5), The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, (7/23) and The Today Show (8/20). In addition, MTV will preview "Pop," on TRL (5/10) and MTV will air an *NSYNC weekend on July 21 and 22.
Max motherfucking Martin! I heart his Swedish ass. The Neptunes. Have I told you lately how much I love them? Well, I do. They kick ass. Fuck all those other guys.
TRL, tomorrow, be there or be rectangular.
TRL, today, Dream was at #1. Those are our *girlz*. I'm proud.
Do you understand what this means? New music! That means more to mock! I love life. Love it.
Okay. What else was I going to say? Oh, yeah. A few things.
Okay. I think I'm done now.
Don't knock the hustle,
Updated 4 May 2001
Am I done YET? Since I have nothing to do today besides write a speech on hos and weed, I thought I'd get on the ball. So the new quotes are updated, and also the
[quote hall of fame]. So, go me!
We also had our winner in the lyric contest, Claire T. with her beautiful ditty, Smooth As Lip Balm. So a round of applause for her! All of the old entries are immortalized [here].
Let's see what other crap I can get updated today, in my bout of productiveness.
Later days,
Updated 1 May 2001
When did it get to be May, already? Fuck. My life is not on track. Or, at least, not on track with the prevailing calendar system.
So, NSYNC's new album is going to be full of two-step beats, which Justin describes as "R&B twice as fast", and I describe as "Ripping off Craig David", but, hey, whatever. I like Craig David. If you must steal, steal well.
In other news, we found this bit of oddness:
[no strings wu-tached]
Later,
Updated 29 April 2001
I'm so boring! This is horrid. Horrid, I tell you.
I updated with a few thoughts on NSYNC's [opening acts].
Someday, at some point, I will write about NSYNC again. I hope. Perhaps once the single comes out. Maybe? Yeah.
Later,
Updated 26 April 2001
Whoo! Where did *I* come from, man? I'm the missing link or something. But I'm back! So, yay. Not exactly bursting with faboo updates, but I did continue on with my review of [*n the mix]. If anyone was wondering, yes, I am only halfway finished. Jesus. This is bordering on whackjob territory right here.
KD may think she's retarded by liking Willa (who looks like Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly, no?) but I bet she doesn't know that she went by Mandah when she was with Nick and had a few songs on the Pokemon soundtrack. What is it with brainwashing pop and seizure inducing cartoons? It's some deal with the devil or something.
But she is not as pitiful as I, who DOES NOT FIND DAN FROM OTOWN UGLY. What is WRONG WITH ME? I'm clearly dillusional.
Wow. Anyway. And I will NOT be going to bed at 9 PM, you bitch.
We out.
You know how we've been yelling about OnPoint? Well, contrary to what many of our loyal readers seem to believe, we're not making it up. Really. Fine! Don't believe me. But we posted our interview with the bois
[here].
Do not bitch about the formatting. Those tables kicked my ASS for several hours straight.
In other news, voting for the lyrics contest (too lazy to code for a link... look on the front page, man.) closes when WD goes to bed on Friday night. So, you know, vote early. 'Cause she might hit the hay at like nine.
You know how I mentioned liking "More Than That"? Well. It gets worse. I now like Willa Ford/Ooh Ooh. How wrong is that? I know. Don't answer that question.
Much love to my people, the finger to The Man,
Updated 22 April 2001
The [finalists] in the Lyrics competition are up! Whoo! So go vote, people.
Have y'all spotted the neat-o mouseover on the front page? I made that. I, KD, taught myself to make mouseovers. Dude, I'd tell you how hard I rock, but, you know, that might make me sound immodest. However, I must pimp the OnPoint bois again. If you haven't been, you need to go now, because we're in the process of interviewing them and of course you want to know who they are before you read our amusing Q&A sessions.
You know what? Randomly, I love "More Than That". I know. Believe me.
Nick, you fat bastard, this is all your fucking fault.
Lamer.
Later,
Updated 21 April 2001
Self-Love Week- It's Not About Masturbation
We'll let you know what it *is* about. As soon as we decide.
I reviewed some more [madison square garden] for ya.
To be perfectly honest, I can't be bothered to be more amusing than that. Dunno. Sleepy.
G'night
Updated 19 April 2001
After a small meltdown, we're taking time for us. That's right. So spank your inner moppet and shock that damn monkey, stop dancing with yourself, and she bop your way on over for "Self-Love Week" which will be starting momentarily.
In much more exciting news, like all good humor sites out there, we've gotten ourselves patron saints. Three strapping bois who call Winter Park, FL their happy citrus home - Steve E., AK, and DL. They're [onpoint], they're funny, and with our help, they'll blow up big. So check them out. Ask Steve E. about his visor.
On an odd tip, does anyone know if we're linked at any Shonen Knife sites? There's one that keeps showing up in our stats, which is perplexing us. So fill us in, k?
Love and chocolate,
Updated 16 April 2001
Run, don't walk, over to [popgurls]. 'Cause they just went live. And they're all cool. And, yo, they interviewed us. We were v. happy about that. Still are.
Go. Now! Stop that. Close that porn site, loser! Go to popgurls.
Thank you,
Updated 12 April 2001
JC scared us so much with his threat to beat us if we didn't post up his hotness timeline that we got right on it.
Enjoy.
Oh, and the lyrics contest is closed. We'll let you know who the finalists are after our fabulous long weekend at the spa.
Huggggz,
Updated 11 April 2001
People change! So we updated our [crap about us]. I know y'all love it when we spread the ego.
Whoo with the lyrics entries!
Later,
Come on people! Fill my mailbox by 12 AM EST. Do it!
And all those who have taken pity on us, you know who you are, WE LOVE YOU!
Toodles,
Updated 9 April 2001
In the midst of an O-Town marathon, surrounded by shouts of "Give him some manlove, Paul!" by Katie, I got an email from JC saying:
"What the hell is this shit of doing a hotness window for Chris and not me? You better watch it, bitch, before I beat the shit out of you. Oh, by the way, do you like my hair?
Oh, and can I kick Ikiaka's ass?
Peace out!
Updated 8 April 2001
Yo, check it. So I'm at this dinner-party type thing, and the evening's winding down, and people are going out drinking. I'm sleepy, and I'm wearing cute strappy shoes. I'm not up for this gig. So, I cry off, and go home, and it's three in the morning, and I should go to bed.
But do I?
No! Of course not! Because I have some fucked up compulsive updating need.
I HATE NSYNC. HATE THEIR LOSER ASSES.
They made me sit down at the computer and mock them when I could have been sleeping! Those slutbags. But, as WD always says, "You gotta channel the anger, man."
And I tried.
I decided to talk about NSYNC's side projects. Well. I got stuck on Justin's. But maybe there'll be more. Not sure yet.
So, side projects. Some people are just never satisfied. I mean, if I were in a hyper-successful boyband, that would be enough. I'd just rest on my laurels, dude.
But not NSYNC. No. Never them. Those boys are busy.
Lance? Making a movie.
[justin timberlake's cross-over dribble]
Later, gator,
Updated 7 April 2001
It's productive day here at the Cafe. All for YOU, the loyal fans. Oh, by the way did I mention
[vegas 2001: are you game?]?
First up there's my contribution to the day, my review of
[god must have spent a little more time on you]. Wow. To hell with "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." They should change all typing lessons to having to type out "GMHSALMTOY."
Look for KD to jump in here soon.
Peace out!
Updated 6 April 2001
Have you all had a hankering for some good old updating fun? Want to take part in the update to end all updates? Want us to love your forever and consider you, instead of Joey Fatone Sr., our patron saint?
Well, you've come to the right place!
Check out
[vegas 2001: are you game?]. It's got everything. Charity. Gratitude. Begging.
And it's quick, easy, and fun! Says actual Cafe patron Zoe:
I just clicked on the button, and then it took me to the amazon site, and then I clicked on the other button, and it was done!
Do you hear that? Two clicks is all it takes!
Make the dream come true. Click today.
Love and a pocket fisherman,
Updated 4 April 2001
It's an ACTUAL update. I know! Try to contain your excitement. One of our Jello Pool Winners, Miz Rrrosa, requested sexy pictures of the morons. It's a long and arduous task, and we split it into five parts. Chris is up first:
[the kirkpatrick timeline].
In an unrelated aside, the new album will be titled Celebrity. One wonders what exactly they will have to say about it. It's vaguely frightening. Somehow one doubts there will be a "Stan" on there. And if JC rhymes "celebrity" with "me" and "see", someone is going to pay for my Vegas ticket. Ahahaha. Go, Jayce. Go!
And that's the latest,
Updated 3 April 2001
Just so you know, in our own weird, whacked out NSYNC webcircles, we are not celebs. Not in any way. We're delebs, and we don't think we're doing anything special. We're just trying to make each other laugh and make fun of NSYNC.
Just so you all know and I stop feeling so freaked out.
And if you IM me? For the love of god, just...don't believe everything I say, please.
I updated the
[quote hall of fame], and look for new quotes coming your way.
WD
Updated 29 March 2001
I wanted to watch Entertainment Tonight, well...tonight, because my mom turned me into this addict and I haven't watched in forever. And where else can you hear all about what people wore to the Oscar's, besides E News Daily and Access Hollywood and Extra and...
So anyway, I found it.
"You just want to watch it because NSYNC is going to be on," scoffs Katie.
"I don't! I swear! They're not even going to be on!"
Little did I know. Who shows up in the teaser? Puffycoat!Lance. The fuckers. What's with Joey's HAIR?! Ugly. Word on the streets is that they're playing Kevin and Rod. Will they also drive around in an old Ford pickup with a gun rack and an 8 point buck strapped to the roof?
Because I'd definitely pay 8 bucks to see that.
Where are the entries? C'mon people! Channel your inner JC! Head over to the
[idiot's guide] if you need some help getting inspired and...whatever you have to do to write songs about fires and God sending love and more God stuff.
Yeah.
I have a whole bunch of half written things just sort of sitting around. But since life has turned into this huge ordeal lately, I'll update when I damn well feel like it, yo!
I would also like to add that I do NOT hate the Britney Pepsi song/commercial. Bob Dole, you dirty old man. OH! And be sure to ask KD about the "How Do You Fit Through Doors?" email campaign we're waging.
Love and fruit snacks,
Updated 28 March 2001
Yeah, well. Update, schmupdate. I changed the front page. I was bored with Frightened!Lance. Now it's PrettyAsFuck!Lance. But. Okay. You can't have everything with the WESsy One. So now we have Joey and his gang of pretty bitches. Dude, if I ever go to jail, I want to bunk with the Ho. He would protect you from scary men named Javier.
It's SEX WEEK here at the Cafe. What does that mean? Well, among the delights we've got planned to tickle your tastebuds, first up is the JC Lyrics Tribute Competition. You, too, can be famous! Check it out
here.
Plus, we're releasing the Jello Pool results! Aren't you excited? Yeah.
Okay, a disclaimer is in order. We're fairly sure that Joey's kid was born on the 23rd of March, and was named Brianna, last name unknown. That would make her a girl, for all you slackers. But we're not positive. However, since we suspect that official confirmation will be a long time coming, we're going to go with the word on the street and announce the winners. Should official confirmation contradict the date rumored, we'll let you know, and, of course, ask the new date winner what they want us to write. 'Cause that was the prize, and all.
Moving on. Finally. And the winners are...
Read 'em and weep. Congratulations to our three winners, commiseration Paid to Blog Information
| Jersey City Map
| Beaded Necklace
| Merchant Accounts
| Cheap Wedding Invitations
i'm so cool that sometimes i hate myself
Updated 3 June 2001
WD&KD
KD
ain't nothin' going on but this sound, man
WD
in the time of chimpanzees i was a monkey
imagine a world where the girls, girls rule the earth
KD
i once got busy in a burger king bathroom
WD
bad boy baby, let's go
KD
baby have you got enough gas?
KD
every time i come around your city bling bling
WD
chewed you up and spat you out
KD
welcome to the great incredible paper chase
KD
i tend to cut myself off from things i shouldn't run from
WD
sorry, we don't serve miners here
KD
if rhyme was a drug, i'd sell it by the gram
KD
everybody's looking for that something
KD
dream a little dream of you
WD
wake up wendy, and smell the coffee
KD
you're the next contestant on catch your beat down
KD
clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here i am, stuck in the middle with you
KD
what's it all worth? can't take it with you under this earth
I'm sure you all know that our little
[lyrical tribute contest] ended yesterday. Well, technically, it did, but we're giving all you wonderful dan's an extra day to buzz in with your MOVING tributes.
WD
funny how your feet in dreams never touch the earth
Kisses!
JC
P.S. I updated my [diary]!"
WD
you CAN be replaced
Chris? Running a business.
Joey? Boinking porn stars.
JC? Hey… being a spaz is a full-time job.
Justin? Writing a book. Yes. You read that right, my friend.
KD
i bet she never had a backstreet guy
WD
that deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball
Your staffers
and the future is electric youth
KD
who makes steve guttenberg a star? we do, we do!
you got that look
WD
so you wait and you wait and you wait...and you wait and you wait and you wait
MEG
30th March
JEN E
Kal-EL Mxyzptlk (of course this is only if Joey gets to name the baby)
RRROSA
Twisly Fatone, born June 9 2001
The apple of his daddy's eye, he nonetheless grows up to love his uncle JC
the best. Twisly is whip-thin and gangly, but a surprisingly good dancer
(as long as you don't get too close). He graduates high school, which bores
him greatly, at 16, and after a brief stint at MIT (which ends with a
lawsuit and a gag order), he moves to Seattle where he works on a series of
brilliantly twisted independent albums and the occasional uncredited walk-on
in his dad's films.