Suuuure they weren't. Look guys, we know that Big Poppa birthed ya'll from his Trans-Con womb, and your bullshit stories just aren't gonna work anymore. Because KD and I did the math.

It's amazing what you just accept and don't give a second thought to.

Fuckers.

But their little manufactured ditty of how they got together IS pretty funny. So allow us to rip on the NSYNC Bio from the International NSYNC Site.

KD's comments are in blue.

Which is cool, but not, because people think you're saying Kermit or something. I love how they explain what kismet is...geez...pandering to the teenies again. What's up with the random exclamation point? Does that make the word "poppier" or something?

I like how they say that *as far as the guys are concerned* it was kismet- leaving the authors of this story an ethical out should they need to maintain deniability in the future when the real story comes up.

They came together in a common city where none of them were born, but all of them seemed destined to live.

For god's sake. Destiny? They make Orlando seem like the Emerald City or something.

Dude. That's a really shitty sentence. Just thought I'd point it out.

JC Chasez came to Orlando, Florida to do a television show on the Disney Channel called the Mickey Mouse Club ("MMC").

You may remember him from such memorable roles as "Wipeout" from Emerald Cove. Nice. At least he kept some dignity and wasn't in The Party. And thanks for helping us with the acronym.

You know the JC Chasez name issue? How he'd really have to be Joshua Chasez Chasez for it to work? I think I've got it figured out. When he first met Joey in that underage nightclub, he said "Hi, I'm Joshua Scott Chasez" and it was hella noisy, so Joe went "What? Joshua Cott?" and JC tried to explain but it was too loud and he couldn't deal, so he just nodded. And then Joe decided that Joshua Cott (probably one of those WT names, he thought) was much too long and difficult to remember so he said "Okay, buddy. Mind if I call you JC?" and Josh caved. 'Cause he does that.

During the first year that he was here, he met Joey Fatone through a mutual friend and started hangin' out with him.

They enjoyed picking up chicks together and telling people that they were 21 to get into strip clubs.

I'm wondering about the mutual friend. Think that would be Jerome? I do. Like hangin', too. They weren't hanging. Hanging is for old fogeys. They were hangin. 'S coo', bruh.

Two years after JC started doing MMC, they added seven new cast members to the show, one of whom was Justin Timberlake. JC and Justin were cast together in several music numbers on the show and discovered that they had a really nice musical blend.

They also had an Emmy-worthy turn in a skit featuring JC, Justin, and Britney in a movie theatre. JC had a moving role as a moviegoer who is darted in the neck by Justin.

Okay, so JC did MMC for two years before Justin showed up, and then for two more years after that? He was on MMC for FOUR FUCKING YEARS? He was a teenaged male American. How humiliating is it to be prancing around with mouse ears on for four years? I'm amazed he ever gets laid, really.

In the mean time, Joey was busy going to school, doing plays and musicals, and landing a job at Universal Studios where he met another extremely musically talented employee named Chris Kirkpatrick.

While JC and Justy were over being Michael Eisner's bitches, Chris and Joey were slaving for the ghetto theme park. I wonder if they make fun of Joe because he was a lowly wolfman while they were on MMC. And I really thought that Chris worked at Disney in a barbershop quartet. Anyway. Another reason to doubt this story.

Question: how exactly did Joey get from Brooklyn to Orlando again? I smell a rat. Second, what kind of school was he going to? It better have been a magnet school because otherwise I'm not buying the plays and musicals story.

This is where WD's connections get to come into play! According to my roommate, whose friend moved to Orlando, she went to high school with Joey for a few years...she was a freshman when he was a senior. I guess he thanked the school's music teacher at some award ceremony. As for WHY he moved, I don't know. I have seen pictures of him in school productions of things. I think Before They Were Rock Stars had on a whole segment on them.

Well, after another 2 years, MMC ceased production, but by that time JC and Justin were bitten by the showbiz bug and they knew that they had to find another project to work on.

Because, you know, their acting skills were superb. It's too bad their stint on SNL didn't pan out.

You'd really think that JC would be "Fuck this showbiz stuff! I just spent four years on the Mickey Mouse Club- I'm outta here! I'm gonna hit the bars and pick up some hookers!"

They were working with the same vocal coach and writers in Nashville, Tennessee on separate solo projects when Justin was called to audition for a group, guess where....back in Orlando.

Because no successful boyband, with the exception of 98 Degrees, was formed outside of Orlando. Of course, 98 was also singing about "putting their head down there", but still. Dude, do you think this is where they met the elusive Jason too?

Could be. But I want to know how they ended up in Nashville. There are far too many holes in this story for my liking. Woodward and Bernstein would make a killing.

Well, that group didn't work out, but there was one guy that Justin really hit it off with, Chris Kirkpatrick.

WHY?! Why is a 14 year old hanging out with a 24 year old? I mean really. It's creepy. Almost pedophilish. Even if Chris' mentality is at that level, it's still weird. Plot loophole #1.

Big hole. We're being asked to believe that someone was auditioning Chris and Justin for the same group? Who was this person and are they still in the entertainment industry, that's what I'd like to know.

While in Orlando, the guys got together for a night on the town.

A night on the town. With a 24 year old, a 19 year old, and a 14 year old. Wow. I bet they were just painting the town red that night. Fuckers. This is where it really gets fishy.

Something's rotten in the kingdom of Denmark, indeed. I know Justin is "the mature one" and Chris isn't, but this is pushing the limits of credibility to a place where they've never gone before.

At a local dance club, Chris and JC ran into their old friend Joey and introduced him to Justin.

Loophole #2. So Justin was in this club too? What the hell? Where were they? Romper Room? Even if it was an under 21 night, there was no way Justy'd be getting in. Joey either, at 17. From what I heard, they met at Pleasure Island.

I'm going with Chuck E Cheese. I bet they threw Justin in the ball thing and told him it was a nightclub and he bought it. He was fourteen. What does he know?

The guys clicked instantly.

How convenient. It's like those fanfics, where an NSYNC member clicks instantly with the Mary Sue.

And of course they would tell us if they hated each other on sight.

In fact, they were so good together on the dance floor that everyone wanted to know what group they were in.

I can just see them, clearing the dance floor and bustin' out "The Worm." Slaves to the rhythm!

When I'm at a club and I see a group of men gettin' their swerve on, I don't go up and ask if they're in a group. I think "Gay." and move on.

Well, the seed had been planted. They got together to harmonize a little and check out their sound and of course it was the perfect blend.

Of course it would be. God, it's all so...saccharine and sweetness.

They make it sound like Taster's Choice.

A fine blend of arabica beans and crappiness.

The only thing that was missing was a good bass voice.

Who ya gonna call? Lance Bass!

The guys began to look around for the perfect person to round out the group.

This is where it gets even fishier, with the disappearing Jason. Poor guy. I feel for him.

Do we even know if this guy exists? I know he was mentioned in Rolling Stone, and I'm tempted to take it at face value, but...

Dude, never take anything at face value! That's how we got into this situation in the first place!

They checked out local high school and college chorus members before Justin decided to call up an old vocal coach of his in Memphis, who he knew coached several guys.

Gay guys, preferrably, he stated.

Questions. How exactly does one check out local high school and college chorus members? Do you just call up the school and go "Hi, I'm putting together a boyband- sorry, vocal harmony group, and I'm looking for a bass. Do you have any hot guys with deep voices just sitting around?".

Dude, that's creepy. If I were a choral director, I'd fear for my student's lives. But we are talking about WT country down there. I guess it fits.

Also, if Justin had a vocal coach in Memphis, we're talking pre-MMC days. And if Justin is now fourteen, he can't have been more than twelve when he started MMC. Which means this old vocal coach coached him when he was, oh, eleven.

Stop and think about that for a moment. How many eleven-year olds you know have a vocal coach? I'm getting some scary Jon-Benet Ramsey vibes here.

I pick up some major Jon-Benet here. I mean, he looks like he totally comes from a family that was all about the child stardom. One must remember Justin's vocal stint on Star Search, billed as Justin Randall. But really, why was he Justin RANDALL, and not Justin Timberlake? More weirdness.

He said "I only know of one person who may be the kind of guy that you're looking for. His name is Lance "Lansten" Bass. He is sixteen years old and he lives in Clinton, Mississippi."

And you know that's exactly how he said it too. Poor Lancers. It's like...he was sold on the black market or something. I wonder if he feels bad because he was just sloppy seconds. I mean, they had Jason as a first pick.

I find this exchange terribly amusing. That vocal coach really dazzled them with his off-the-cuff wit, didn't he?

Again, however, I have a burning question. Justin's vocal coach works in Memphis, Tennessee. We're expected to believe that he has coached Lance. Who lives in Clinton, Mississippi. Let me check the map on my wall.

Okay. Clinton is sort of next to Jackson. Which is a hell of a long way from Memphis. About, oh, two hundred miles.

And how does Justin's old vocal coach know Lance again? I'm not buying that he worked with him. I don't care how talented you are, your mom is not driving you two hundred miles to take singing lessons every week.

Lance was Poo-Foo. After this turn, Mama Bass figured that it was only the best coaches for her little boy.

And the same question I had with Justin: why does Lance even *have* a vocal coach? These boys are not normal. I'm becoming ever more convinced.

WT all the way. All the way.

Well the guys contacted Lance and asked him to come down for an audition. He flew down two days later. As soon as Lance opened his mouth to sing the guys knew that he was the one.

Shouldn't they at least have waited until he'd actually sung something before deciding he was the one?

And then his mouth did other things later to JC, and then he REALLY was in.

The rest, as they say, is history.

And they all lived happily ever after in Transcon happiness, or at least for 3 more years, until Big Poppa took all their money.

And you know they only rebelled because JC's allowance wasn't covering his drug needs anymore.

The five guys got together and it didn't take them long to figure out that JustiN, ChriS, JoeY, LansteN and JC were 'N SYNC.

They forget to mention that it took Momma Crunkness to come up with this cleverness. Jesus, that woman never rests, does she? NSYNC, Innosense...idea powerhouse. And of course, no mention of JasoN, the original second N.

That claim about their name annoys me so much. My intelligence is insulted at every turn by these morons.

You know what would be cool, though? If they'd kept Jason's N in, and they wrote it like this: NSYNCN. And they said "No, the last N is silent." It would be a cool tribute.

Now they have put together some dynamite sounds, some great original tunes, some really kickin' dance routines and their electric personalities to do the thing that they all love the most...entertain! There's only one thing left to do and that is for you to get 'N SYNC.

That has to be the funniest paragraph I've ever read. Fuck. How could JC's personality be described as "electric"? I mean, really. It's so Jimmy Walker. Dyn-O-mite!

Does anyone actually say that? Dynamite sounds? Great tunes? Kickin' dance routines? Hep cats! Gee Golly Willigers, Batman!

Check 'em out!

And a lot too, because they're still trying to re-coup the money they lost in the court battle with their sire, Lou Pearlman. Cha-ching!

I have one last question. You know how they're managed by Johnny Wright. Okay. He was with them when they were with Transcon. He's still with them. I don't get that. He manages them. Shouldn't he have said "Uh, boys- this deal you're signing? It sucks royal ass. Don't do it."

I don't understand how they're still with him.

I don't either. I mean, BSB wised up and left. You think NSYNC will haul off and be managed by The Firm too, soon?

I also don't understand how Momma Crunkness' nuevo projecto Innosense is still wit da Big Poppa. Are we gearing up for another round of Holes In The Story?

I'm with you, girl. So stay tuned for round deuce!

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