With a red hot new album and forthcoming tour, it seems NSYNC is everywhere.
They're everywhere and it's bad. They're even up your ass with the NSYNC thong.
They aren't everywhere. I keep inviting them to my Friday Cocktail parties. Do they show? Nuhuh!
From MTV to the Oscars to right here in Teen Celebrity, the guys are working hard to please their demanding fan base.
Geez, they make 'em sound like escorts or something.
Their demanding fan base? You're right. Makes NSYNC sound like gigolos. And their fans like bored suburban housewives.
We caught up with the Orlando fivesome just as they released No Strings Attached and were about to embark on a month long promotional jaunt across America.
Fivesome? Jaunt? Gay.
Jaunt is *very* gay.
After firing off 20 questions which the boys graciously answered...
Would they have thrown shit around and smashed TV's? No. They're trained monkeys. Of course they'll be polite, until after the interview. Then Lance goes Keith Moon.
*Graciously* answered... that's so fifties. As though they've been to a finishing school. And what are they going to say? "You know what? I don't feel like answering your fucking questions today. Bring me some bitches to service me, then we'll talk. And who's got my coke spoon?"
Exactly! They're a boyband. They're not Scott Weiland or Liam Gallagher.
Too bad. That'd be entertaining.
Wouldn't it? When he was in Take That, was Robbie still the smartass?
Oh, yes. Rob has always been like this.
Dammit all. NSYNC needs someone like that. Even AJ is entertaining.
They have Chris. Chris is funny. But not nuts-nuts.
But he's not badass.
Like Chris would never go on a rampage.
Exactly!
...it became obvious to us that success hasn't changed NSYNC one bit.
Although Justin has 5 Benz's in his driveway and they all sport Rockstah Aviators. Don't tell me you sport Aviators for fun. NO. You're full of yourself. Double points if you wear a Rockstar t-shirt (coughjccough)
In fact, as you'll see, Justin, JC, Lance, Chris and Joey...
Why is Justin ALWAYS first?
...are the same fun and down to earth guys as they've always been.
And you've been a close personal friend since birth, or what? I mean really.
That's disgusting! Isn't there some sort of professional code of ethics journalists have to abide by? Even the ones who write for trashy teen mags?I mean really.
I don't think it applies to Teen Mags. They're taught to gush gush gush until the readers need fillings replaced.
Gross, man. Gross.
What are the differences between your debut album and No Strings Attached?
"We've moved away from the musically challenging pieces like I Need Love and Riddle."
"Well, we made them put JC's crap on this one. That's basically it."
Chris: No Strings Attached takes our music to the next level.
DUDE! If I had a penny for everytime I heard that expression...
We had a lot more creative control on this album.
You mean JC had a stranglehold on the bitch, Chris.
Justin: Everyone should know that NSA was created solely by NSYNC with no external opinions.
So LOU was responsible for Riddle! That fat bastard. He ruined my eardrums.
With no external opinions? So I guess we can only blame you, huh. Too bad. Would have thought you'd want to spread the blame a *little*. Egocentric fuck.
Lance: It feels like our first real album because we wrote and produced half of it.
You mean JC did. God, these people, stealing his cred.
I know! Poor Joshua. Lance? You wrote nothing. You produced nothing. Lay off. Go play with the ferret.
Dirk, the wonderferret!
I bet Lance carries him around in his pants.
I could see him putting it in a jacket pocket. Scaring little kids.
He probably got him to keep fans away.
Joey: It's a step above the first one. We added different beats here and there, different sounds to make it a little more edgy. But it still has NSYNC harmonies and sound.
NSYNC harmonies? As opposed to BSB harmonies? Oh, 'cause they all sound SO different. And Joey, that makes no sense. It sounds like you took the first CD and just added shit to it. JC doesn't comment here. Do you think he's pissed they took all his spotlight?
I bet he is. I bet they took him aside before the interview. "Look, C- there's no I in NSYNC. We're tired of it being all about YOU YOU YOU and your artistry. We're taking it back, man. You just sit there and look hot. *We're* gonna do the talkin'. And don't you DARE disagree with us. Or we'll fuck your pussy ass up good."
They did! He's unnaturally quiet in this interview. Usually he tries to act all eloquent and stuff.
Tries and act being the operative words.
You had a lot more to do with this recording creatively. How much have you all grown as musicians?
Lance: We are Executive Producers of this one and had to independently do this whole album.
Independently? So like, they left Transcon and RCA so they just were left hanging, recording this bitch out of Rip and AG's basement?
Or like in Lance's car. They're acting like they were all roughing it and shit.
Recording on a Fisher Price tape deck.
"And we had to make microphones out of old coke bottles. Lean times. Lean times. And Dirk did all the percussion. He was all we could afford."
Do you have a favorite song on your new album?
JC:
FINALLY! He speaks! The guys are all biting their nails, hoping he doesn't say "WELL, I personally like DG, NSA, etc etc, because I wrote them! Not these fuckers!"
We worked so hard on this album that it's impossible to just pick one.
The other four breathe sighs of relief. JC scowls. Could you get anymore trite with that answer?
"WE"? He must really be scared of them. I bet they got like Fred Durst to leave threatening messages on his machine. "Listen, Chasez, you slip up in that interview, you're gonna be FUCKED up, mother FUCKER! You need friends in this business."
Lance: I have three.
Do you? Do you really!? Oh, goodness me!
Bye Bye Bye, Promise...
Like the random shortening of the name. Please, Lance, you're forgetting the acronym system. It's TIPY or else.
...and Digital Getdown.
Lance likes DG just because he likes to hide on his laptop and go in gay porn chatrooms. Huddled by the green light of the screen, he chats as "Dirk", thanking Al Gore for inventing something that hides his WES.
But you know- he's lying. It makes me ill is his favorite. He told us so.
That fucker. Lying to us.
Actually, DG is like his nod to JC. "Baby, if you do good, I'll blow you tonight"
Awwww, sticking up for his bf. He pats JC's knee comfortingly as the guys admonish him.
Actually, he strokes it.
He does.
Individually, what have been your greatest accomplishments - personally or professionally?
For GOD'S sake! Who IS this interviewer?! They need to die.
Joey: I bought a new house.
"There is... a house... in Orlando.. they called the Rising Joe..."
A WHORE house! *snicker snicker*
Chris: I built a new house.
Oooo, he's MUCH better then Joey. He built his.
He built it, did he? Pshaw. Suuure.
I can see him getting Habitat For Humanity people coming to help him.
Yeah- he probably tricked Oprah into getting her Angel Network to build him a house. "Look! I'm small and pitiful! Build me a house!"
JC: Gritting my teeth and making it through this new album.
Because he lives with Rip and AG. He doesn't have any house comments. And this comment...he's dropping subtle hints that he did this whole album himself, mothafuckas! And THAT'S why his teeth are so fucked up.
"Because these bitches wouldn't admit that I'm a musical Jesus and it was a struggle every step of the way. I had to carry their loser asses."
Lance - Personally, I would say gaining so many great friends.
Hi Gwenyth! Call me later! *kiss kiss*
Matt! Over here! It's Lance! And Dirk!
Professionally, No Strings Attached.
It's not much of an accomplishment, Lance. We can't actually *hear* you anywhere on the damn album.
Where is Juju? Now he's silent.
You know Justin wanted to say "Nailing Britney/Nailing Britney" and they wouldn't let him. So he didn't get to speak.
What is the one thing, as a group, you have yet to accomplish?
Lance: Win a grammy.
Lance is the only one to speak here. I bet they all beat him up for speaking up first. They really wanted to say:
JC: Nailing Britney
Justin: Nailing Christina
Joey: Nailing Britney
Chris: Nailing Britney
Lance: Nailing Ricky (as an afterthought)
And then Justin goes "I've done him." And they all go "What?" And he's like "I'm Justin *fucking* Timberlake. I get around."
If you couldn't perform, what would you do?
JC: If I couldn't sing and dance, I'd write music.
Not songs. Music. Thanks, Jayce. We all know you're the artsy one. I bet they all glared at him at this point.
I bet they did. I bet Lance pulled his hand off his knee. He was like "You broke our agreement. You ain't gettin' none tonight. You're ass is sleeping on the couch."
Joey: I would act.
Jesus. Just...Jesus.
Can Joey actually act, though? I mean he always pretends like he can, but do we have any proof? Any at all?
Chris: I'd manage new artists and continue working on my clothing line.
God, they're so fucking...spoiled? I don't know how to say it. Like, I thought they'd be like "I'd be a teacher, I'd do this, yadda yadda..."
Justin: I'd write music, especially R&B.
"Because I iz GHETTO, yo! I beez writing shit wit ODB and Dre, yo!"
You'd be like writing shit for Em, wouldn't you. Suuure.
Lance: I'd be an astronaut.
Oh, Lancers. Lancers. Just...stop with these pipe dreams about being an astronaut. Just because you went to space camp...for god's sake, they give away sweepstakes to go to space camp. You fucker.
Lance! Shut up. Very few people can be astronauts. And I think there's a minimum height requirement, too. And NASA is really picky about eyes. I don't think you'd make it.
What is the downside of being in NSYNC?
"Uh, being in NSYNC?"
JC: No sleep.
Jesus! Get another favorite story from the writer, JC, we're sick of hearing about your sleeping patterns.
He *always* says that. Can't they put him on crystal meth?
He needs it. Jerome needs to hook him up.
He does. He just needs a speed IV feed or whatever.
Joey: No free time or sleep.
So NSYNC cuts into his girl picking up time? Joey, you wouldn't be getting half those chicks....
I mean, isn't he the guy out every night screwing chicks?
Exactly!
Sounds like a simple priority issue to me.
Yes it does.
Fewer chicks=more sleep. Hardly rocket science.
Whereas JC has no life and he's *still* sleepy. He needs help.
I think he has narcolepsy or something.
He could. Like he falls asleep when stressed. "Good evening New Yor- snoooooore"
Lance: No private life.
Oh, sob sob.
"But on the upside, I've got this ferret..."
The writer smiles from the corner.
I *love* our writer. Love him.
Me too!
What do Justin and Chris say?
Nothing. Justin doesn't see a bad side. He gets to be the hot one. And nail brit. His life is buttah, baby.
Justin: "People focus too much on my hot self and not on my beautiful spirit"
Chris doesn't see a downside either.
He's a short guy with a squeaky voice. What would he be if not for NSYNC?
Is it hard remaining level-headed? Lance: It could be, but we have great families and friends to keep us all down to earth.
PUKE
Which is why I have a 10 foot diamond encrusted cross. It keeps me down to earth.
Fucker.
"Actually, it's funny you should ask. I actually hired a guy to tell me when I was getting out of line. So far, it's going really well. I've told him to be completely honest with me and I'm sure the fact that I can fire him at any moment won't keep him from telling me the truth."
If you could change one thing about the business, what would it be?
Lance: The egos.
Glares at Justin, who strokes his jTr necklance and nods his head thuggishly.
Justin: The crooks.
Whoa. Bitter much?
Wow, Justin! Pissy little man. I like it. He's a bitch.
I bet he tried to have Lou fucked up.
I bet he did. But Lou bought his people off. He was like "I don't know what Timberlake paid you, but I'll double it!" And that's why Justin is pissed at the crooks. He's not talking about *Lou*. He's talking about the mob guys who sold out to him.
If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
If someone asked me this, I'd spend 10 minutes pondering it.
I wouldn't know what the fuck to say.
JC: Analytical
I actually like JC's answer. Analytical. Don't believe it, but I like it.
Joey: Optimistic
Chris: Sarcastic
Justin: Visionary
JC glares at him. And leaves the interview.
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NO. You made that up. Please tell me you made that up.
...
Visionary? I- I just....
Hot didn't work. So he said that.
Maybe... maybe he doesn't know what it means.
I dont' think he does.
Maybe he thinks visionary means like... cheerful. JC was the one who really said he was a visionary...that's why he was pissed at Justin. He stole his answer. And JC *does* know what it means. Because I bet he has one of those "Increase your WORD POWER!!!:" tapes and he plays it while he sleeps.
Justy and Chris probably have to sleep with earplugs in. JC mumbles stuff like "supercillious" all night.
I just cannot believe Justin said that. What a little prick. You can't say stuff like that about yourself. Didn't his momma ever tell him that?
He's horrible. I hate him.
Lance: Laid back. Wait, is that two words?
That's two words. So what Lance really sad is:
Lance: Laid
Of course, of course.
What can we expect from your upcoming concert tour?
Chris: The tour will be packed with high energy and lots of dancing.
Sounds like...oh, let's see. The first one. Get a new formula, dude.
"It's fast, it's furious, it's like a fireball comin' right atcha!"
Lance: Huge special effects and lots of energy.
Jesus Christ! Get a new answer. I mean really. There's no excuse.
"We'll be stripping and going the full monty. And we'll be having some hot girl-on-girl action, too."
Justin: The ideas we have are still being put together, but it's gonna be big and bad and better than the last tour.
Dear God, shut up, Hair Boy.