Name: Chris
Age: 29
Height: Short
Official nicknames: He doesn't seem to have any.
What we call him: Old Spice. Jesus Chris. The ethnic friend. Retard.
Current favorite moniker: The ethnic friend
Image: The crazy one. The funny one. The old one. The immature one. The one with the high voice. The one with the fewest fans.
What we really think: He's hysterical. He's random and we can get with that. He's the one you'd actually like.
What we really really think: The best humor is born in moments of deepest hysteria. He's not all fun, all the time.

Name: JC
Age: 24
Height: Average
Official nicknames: JC, Sleepy, Big Daddy.
What we call him: Boring Spice. Beaver Spice. Veiny Spice. Vein Boy. Crackhead. Spaz. Spazmaster J. Cracknuts. The Beav. Retard.
Current favorite moniker: The Beav.
Image: The talented one. The serious one. The one who'll have a career. The boring one. The responsible one.
What we really think: Jordan Knight on crack. Annoying as hell. His songs suck.
What we really really think: He has talent. He'll probably have a career. He sometimes borders on actual introspection. Not in his songs, mind you.

Name: Joey
Age: 23 (pause) Aquarius
Height: Tallish
Official nicknames: Superjoe
What we call him: Horny Spice. Hoey. Joseph. Hoseph. Joye. Joe. Retard.
Current favorite moniker: Hoey.
Image: The flirty one. The dumb one. The fat one.
What we really think: He's a dumb, chunky whore.
What we really really think: Not dumb. Not a rocket scientist, but not dumb. Also not fat. He's built like a man: big and burly and well-muscled. Next to the other girls, sure he looks chunky. On the whore issue, he's a twenty-three year old guy who has women crawling all over him. His reaction is completely normal. He gets a lot of play. Good for him. Stay safe, buddy. Remember, herpes is for life.

Name: Lance
Age: 21
Height: Shortish
Official nicknames: Lance. Lancesten.
What we call him: Flamer Spice. James. Flamer. Retard.
Current favorite moniker: Flamer.
Image: The gay one. The pretty one. The one with the sexy voice. The redneck.
What we really think: He's sleeping with JC.
What we really really think: He's sleeping with JC and Justin.

Name: Justin
Age: 19 WD's comment: Just so you know, KD wrote 21 first. Wishful thinking? Hell, yeah.
Height: Tall
Official nicknames: Juju, Justy, Curly
What we call him: Ghetto Spice. Justing. Justine. Juju. Infant. Retard.
Current favorite moniker: Infant
Image: The hot one. The arrogant bastard. The one who thinks he's black.
What we really think: He's an arrogant little bastard who thinks he's black.
What we really really think: Growing up in public isn't healthy and neither is he. He's nineteen. He's doing the best he can.

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