Pop's 'N Sync Guys Make Movie Deal

Conveniently named bass singer Lance Bass has signed a deal with Miramax to make his first movie through his own production company. The movie, Bass says, will be called "On The Line". It's a romantic comedy in which Bass falls for a mystery girl he spots riding the Chicago el, attempts to woo, and finds obstacles of the usual boy-meets-girl scenario.

That fucker. He's so Hollywood I can't stand it. Five bucks says you never see this in a movie theatre in the continental US. Actually, five bucks says it never gets released. Ten bucks says the female lead is Meredith Edwards, or Britney, or someone else vaguely associated with NSYNC.

Fellow 'N Sync-er Joey Fatone also has a part in the movie.

Wow, I'm so surprised. I may have to lie down for a minute. Oh, this is just going to be a high-class product, isn't it? I'm picturing American Pie meets While You Were Sleeping. It's not a nice image. I'm just hoping that it's a gay love story, and that Joe is the love interest.

The deal was made yesterday afternoon at the Sundance Film Festival, where indie filmmakers were trying to sell their new product to distributors.

I'm pissed about that. This does not sound like an even vaguely indie production. And I can tell you right now that the scriptwriter is severely pissed that Lance got the lead. Don't ask me how I know. I just do.

'N Sync had a huge hit last year with their album No Strings Attached and the single "Bye Bye Bye," although they were by and large snubbed by the Grammy nominating committee. That hasn't stopped the group, however. They're in the studio right now, Bass reports, working on a new album which will be released June 1st.

"Bass Reports". That'd make an excellent CNN segment. "I'm Lance Bass, for Bass Reports, live from Atlanta. Thanks for joining us."

"The big difference is that we're writing a lot of the songs ourselves," 21-year-old, Mississippi-born Bass told me in his Southern drawl. "We'll have a couple of songs by Max Martin, who wrote 'Bye Bye Bye,' but mostly it will be us."

You know what? I have yet to hear Lance's famous Southern drawl. I have a fairly decent ear. I can hear JC's Maryland slur. Chris' PA r. But not Lance's Southern drawl. If he didn't mention Mississippi every two seconds, you'd think he was from San Fran.

This makes sense for the members of the group — they'll be able to earn publishing royalties which will make them even richer.

AHAHAHHAA. Classic snipe there. Just classic. Although, I wonder how this works... if JC writes a song, he owns the song, right? Not NSYNC as a whole? So doesn't JC get all the cash? And we all know that The Artistic One will be writing most of that shit.

The group is on a roll right now. They're performing with Aerosmith during the Super Bowl half time show next Sunday, collaborating on the world-famous rock band's "Walk this Way."

Okay. And this is the part that fucking got to me like a motherfucker. Over at the message board, I'm too lazy to quote myself verbatim right now, but I mentioned my fear that NSYNC and Aerosmith would be doing Walk this Way. I mentioned horrifying visions of Adidas and chunky chains. But in my heart, I was joking.

Looks like I called it, though. Those fuckers. I like that song. And I thought Steve and Joe would have more class than to allow NSYNC to rape and pillage an old-school classic. If they let Justin rap as he busts through a wall, I'm gonna kill someone. God. He must be thrilled. He finally gets to MC for a broader audience. I'm sure he's convinced that an exec at Death Row will be calling him up afterwards. Little bastard. Somehow I know this is all his fault.

The only, and I do mean only, upside to this TRAVESTY is that Justin will have to rap the line "I was a high school loser/Never made it with the ladies". Hehehe. I bet he makes Lance do it, though.

Which begs the question: WTW is not a one-man show. The Run parts are witten for at least two rappers. So whoooooo's it gonna be, boys? Who's gonna step up to the plate and help J-Dawg out? Lance? AHAHAH to that. Joey? Dunno. Could be, I suppose. JC? God, no. Which leaves Chris. Who, during JGP, strongly resembles Eminem's twelve-year-old "slow" nephew. I'm so scared. You have no idea. WD tried to comfort me by suggesting that maybe Run would actually show up. But I'm thinking, if Aerosmith's there, and Run DMC's there... what's NSYNC's part? They prance around like the nancy boys they are, shaking their asses and getting screams? Please. That's not comforting. That's worse.

And I tell you, if they break through a wall, that's IT. Right then, right there, I'm putting the smackdown. This shit cannot go on.

But Bass is sorry about the rivalry that's developed with another group, their Orlando-based former pals Backstreet Boys. Both groups are signed to the same music company, Zomba Music, which last year moved the Boys to Jive Records, the same label as 'N Sync. The result has been lawsuits and charges by the Boys that they have not received the same favorable treatment as 'N Sync .

"It's too bad," says Bass. "They've had some unfair things to happen to them, which has kind of made them act mean to us."

You know for Lance, Mr. Schmooze, that's the same as saying "Those motherfuckers take it up the ass, and not in the literal sense, which would be cool with me. I hope they die.". Soundin' a little pissy there, mama's boy.

Bass also had some criticism for the current crop of female singers who have incorporated lip-synching into their acts. We talked about Britney Spears' most recent embarrassing performance on the American Music Awards.

"It seems like all the girls have major lip-synching," he said, "and it's because there's so much dancing. Maybe because there are five of us, someone can always fill in a voice when we're dancing. But," he insisted to me, "we never lip-sync."

Maybe not. But you have backing tracks. I've seen you people live. You can only hear JC and Justin. And, it has to be said, it's kind of impressive that you can hear them, and that they don't sound horrible. Okay, so they actually sound pretty good. Man, that JC must have lungs like a bull elephant.

Anyway. You know this was taken out of context. Because they have to ask Justin's permission before they say anything about Britney. "Justin? May I talk about your woman?"

Final comment: you know how NSYNC did the Anthem at the World Series? And they got booed? Well, WD and I have the most selective bouts of sympathy. You're up there, you're trying your absolute best, and people are booing you. Sweaty sports fans whose brains are all down in their necks, who can't dance to save their lives, who can't sing a note, are BOOING you. That pissed us off. I mean, if I'd been there, I'd have been mocking them right up to the point the booing started, then I'd turn around and stare down the entire fucking section.

"I'd like to see YOU up there, big man. Can you sing? Can you? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP. That goes for you, too, Big Red. Don't make me come over there."

God. I suck. Sympathy for NSYNC. What does it all mean?

But still, I'm pissed. Ground rules, NSYNC people: