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This one was inspired by "Steeleman", a denizen of Musicfandom . A bunch of music fanatics and what was once the busiest chat room on the net and probably one of the oldest, and the excellent Music Forums as well.

Steely has to be one of the most fanatical Metallers around. His knowledge of the genre is encyclopaedic, and he has one other trait that I like ... he's Passionate about that which he loves and is prepared to back everything he says with lots of table banging and loudly expounded opinion.

For Steely an old Kiwi White water kayakers warcry... "GO HARD OR GO HOME!"

Stories

One of the problems of appreciating music simply as an entity, existing of it's own individual quality, is that one is denied the opportunity to appreciate living as part of a one of the subcultures created by the sub classifications, otherwise known as "Genres".

This writer, always being of open and searching mind, decided in recent days that a study of one of these subcultures would be a worthwhile pursuit in the interests of greater understanding. To perhaps throw a different view on individual pieces of music, perhaps appreciate them more when viewed from a different angle.

The decision was made to study the subculture Ferrus Cranius for several reasons.

a) As has been noted by other students of musical anthropology, this genus is dominated by skinny white males, a description which would fit your correspondent quite aptly even on a good day and so he could fit in comfortably and unobstrusively. (Err. 1 but we shall return to this.)

b) Correspondence within music forums on the World Wide Web has been fervent, even passionate, in discussion of the type of music that this Genus follows. Many fans of the genre show encyclopaedic knowledge and willingness to burst forth with often studied, if somewhat loud, opinion on the subject, at the drop of a Strat. It followed then, some intelligent comment could be easily garnered from the followers.

and c) Your correspondents appreciation of some products of this particular genre would give a point of connection, a common ground from which to start ones study.

It was necessary at beginning of the exercise to to take on the correct visual appearance. Your correspondent went to great lengths observing and photographing the species in their natural habitat in order to obtain the most appropriate camouflage. (The reader should note that there does seem to be some local variations and so if they were to conduct their own study, it would be necessary to observe their local sub genus.)

The following items were, therefore, obtained at great personal risk

1) Footwear: These are generally pieces of equipment obviously discarded by basketball players as being far beyond their use by date. There were rumours that occasionally these items were purchased new, no evidence was found to substantiate this, in fact claimed "comfort " level seemed to be in direct proportion to the number of toes that could be freed from restraint.

2) Trousers : Almost exclusively of the black denim variety. Considerable importance is placed on the symbols that were branded on a small piece of leather attached to the waistband. It was however noticed that these "Brands" could rarely be seen as extreme age and state of disrepair of this item obviously shared equal importance.

3) Torso covering: Some variation was evident here although the common thread was a black cotton sack with displays of garish art work known as a T-shirt. The art work displayed identified the wearer as being either:
a) the follower of a particular group of musicians (Said artwork led one to believe that these musicians were unfortunately either dead, dying or had arisen from the dead ) or b) a drinker of a particular brand of fermented hops (The taste and colour of which, led one to believe that, it had, at some stage, passed through the urinary tract of some particularly unhygenic animal. The more unpleasant the flavour the greater the following) Small metallic containers of this beverage are consumed in such large quantities that the resulting bodily functions at any gathering of more than a dozen of these individuals would solve Las Vegas' water problems well into the new millenium. and 4) ( And this is where your correspondent came up against an almost insurmountable obstacle!) Hair: The longer and stragglier the better. Now unfortunately for my study, this writer has about as much hair as his Shakespearean namesake. Without this particular accoutrement participation in the ritual known as "Headbanging" (Which I must add, having participated at great personal risk, is as painful as it sounds) is well nigh impossible, not discounting the fact that one runs the risk of looking ridiculous in the extreme. However with the assistance of a kindly wig maker my study did not have to be abandoned at this point.

And so having obtained all the necessary items to allow easy blending (I had to settle for a "Lion Red" label being a local beverage, as it's rather difficult to obtain a black T- shirt with my favorite Red wine label printed on it, at least the colour was right) I ventured forth to a place of gathering.

The plan of attack was simple. Observe, imitate and having blended in, engage selected individuals in discourse.

Observations: The groups activity is in direct proportion to the loudness of the music, individuals leap about in a frenzied manner until the music stops at which point they immediately go in search of containers of the afore mentioned beverages, that match the artwork on their chests. When this has been located they immediately cease moving, except for lifting their elbows to apply the small tins to their mouths at regular intervals
(Studied readers will recognise that this is the complete opposite of the Genus classicus who are rendered into a state of total inactivity as soon as their music starts, the moment broken only by the occasional loud snore, then become hugely animated when the music stops, making strange noises like "Bravo" or "encore"until the musicians start up again, once more rendering the audience into a state of stupefication. This Genus will be the subject of a future study)
Approval of the musicians is decided in a strange way unique to the genus Ferrous Cranium. At some point in the proceedings the leading musician will stop making screaming noises at a microphone and throw him/herself at the audience. If their approval rating is high, the group will catch him/her and return them to the stage. The greater the approval the longer the return route. If however the approval rating is low, the crowd parts like the red sea and the poor unfortunate lands in a broken, bloodied mess on the concrete floor.

Males of the genus far out-number females so the mating rituals are extrememly competitive. The preamble is part of the headbanging Males point their heads at a selected female and shake it about violently, the object seems to be to release as much of a fine white flaky material from their scalps as possible. When the female has selected a number of possible mates they then progress to the second stage of the ritual which involves the amber beverage. The possibles sit in a circle furiously consuming the beverage until one of their number regurgitates the liquid and falls unconscious, the female will then display it's maternal instincts protecting comatose male from abuse by the remaining participants. She will protect him until such time as he awakes from the coma at which time, after much gesticulating and yelling by the female, they will often mate.

While this may sound an odd way of finding a mate, there is a certain logic to it. In rendering himself unconcious the male is testing the females ability as a protectiive mother and if the male can mate, after doing what is obviously considerable damage to himself, then the female has herself a good breeder.

Imitation: This part of my study was, unfortunately, not very successful. This genus are obviously made of sterner stuff than this writer, the head banging ritual induced headaches and nausea and an inability to focus ones eyes and the partaking of the amber beverage induced the same. My only conclusion is that they see this as reaching some kind of nirvana. This was supported by one unfortunate soul who had obviously not reached this state of bliss yelled out "I want Nirvana" and was immediately set upon and cast out from the throng.

Discourse: This was even more unsuccessful. Having considered myself sufficiently blended I attempted to communicate. I located a male individual who had obviously almost attained his blissful condition and engaged him in conversation. However I can only assume that on attaining the rapturous state, methods of communication change. On my approaching him he reverted to a language completely foreign to this writer. He yelled "Gizzabear" "Ozzeezgawd" and "Rappzux" then he regurgitated and collapsed. Having no wish to mate with this individual, I beat a hasty retreat.

It must be said that though "First Contact" was unsuccessful, my resolve has not dimmed. Obviously my methods will need some fine tuning, but this study is obviously far more important than I first supposed.

Copyright: G. Lauder Nov.98

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