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This following was inspired by a number of events, not the least of which was the neighbours cow jumping into my swimming pool in the middle of the night. That, and the screwed net connection weren't connected other than that they happened at almost the same time.

Other embellishments added ..... Never let the truth get in the way of a good Yarn!

Stories

Living in the Country has moments of bliss but there are times when the bucholic nirvana takes on a shade of red around the edges.

Now those of you, dear readers, who are of the urban ilk, probably have this wonderful idyllic pastoral landscape floating in front of your minds eye with Bossie the bashful Bovine with large limpid long lashed brown eyes standing under the old Oak down by the barn, peacefully chewing her cud.....................?

The reality dear friends is somewhat less than idyllic, the peacful look in her eye is stupidity, the reason bossy looks bashful is cos she has just shat on your foot, or in my case the swimming pool, but I get ahead of myself. She stands under the oak tree because that is where I put her, and if you cast your minds eye up into the tree you will see this writer, perched on a high branch, an evil lear crossing his face, holding an extremely heavy anvil. Does he intend harm to this harmless Bovine you ask?......... YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN' HE DOES!!! Harmless!!?? HA!!! Now some among you may see visions of Wile E Coyote and shades of the Road Runner in this scenario. Why doesn't he just shoot the thing if he is so pissed off with it you say? A sporting chance maybe? An opportunity for the viewing audience to scream "RUN BOSSIE!!!" No, quite wrong. I do possess the means to effect a quick demise, but where's the satisfaction in that. No!! One must savor it, take the opportunity to pause and consider the purism of the justice of this moment while the 200 lb block of cast steel floats gracefully toward it's target......

And what did this Mobile Porterhouse Storage Facility do to deserve this venom, this most brutal of responses. Therein as they say lies the story. This particular pestilential pastoral pachyderm through a haze of stupidity, was obviously feeling a little trapped within it's domestic confines. Too much care and attention, too much food, too much of the good life, and so decided, that a burst for freedom was in order in the middle of the night.

The Beast belongs to a neighbour, a part time lifestyle Farmer who detected the escape in fairly short order as the Braindead Sausage in Waiting, affected it's burst for freedom at a liesurely pace past our Ranchers front window while he was watching TV. Realising the urgency of the situation and pausing only for last act, the credits and of course the station promos, our intrepid old McDonald set off into the night in pursuit of his errant live stock, the number of which had grown to five, because as any farmer will tell you Cows are like people in one way, they like to be stupid in groups!

Meanwhile in Casa Del Yorick, our yet to be aggrieved hero sits at his word processor conjuring another scene in the new, three years in construction, play, to rival the epics of shakespeare, the screenplay rites of which will render the word "work" into the realms of "unusual latin swear words". When suddenly the baying of the savage guard dogs, lunging at the ends of their chains, the household is thrown into confusion, our intrepid hero, in a moment of great sacrifice (He was in actuality in chat, I lied before but it made for a better story, greater sacrifice and all that) leaps to the ramparts to protect faith and family in time to see the afore-mentioned Bastard Bovines crash through a hedge with guard dogs, having broken their inadequate restraints, in hot pursuit (Our savage guardians had failed to turn the tide but then two Chihuahuas are hardly intimidating to 700 lbs of rampant stupidity) followed by a loudly cursing, heavy breathing, Farmer Brown.

One cannot over emphasise the seriousness of the situation that followed. Mayhem of Wagnerian proportions ensued, Dogs barking, cows mooing, people leaping around shouting and arms waving, some, in their ignorance, laughing uncontrollably when suddenly in the darkness, Bovinus ignoramus decided that a swim was all that she wanted and leapt into the swimming pool with a huge splash followed by two of her cronies............. I now have incontravertible proof that cows can swim without being taught. Also Cows, for those of you who are unfamliar with the habits of the Genus Bovine, when in moments of stress, they tend to relieve themselves of excess weight, usually in the form of what can only be described in polite company as excrement!!! Yes dear reader, this paean of animal intellect SHAT IN MY POOL!!! And it was obvious that the animal was too well fed! I leave the rest to your imagination.

But worse was to come. Not content with ruining my swimming pleasure for three days of a heatwave and 98% humidity, the animal once released from it's watery confines, proceeded to destroy all electric fences within a one kilometre radius, at some point in describing it's destructive path across the country side, an electric fence became earthed near a subterranean telephone cable resulting in a loud annoying CLICK.......CLICK.........CLICK in all the phone lines up and down our road. And yes, you guessed it, completely screwed my net connection, thus causing my sudden departure from chat and an enforced absence of three days until the problem was located and fixed. It is however unfortunate that I was unable to deliver the necessary justice to our Wayward Beasty, cos I was too busy laughing.

copyright G.Lauder Apr '99

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